Proper Soccer Attire

She wore this to soccer practice. For games I make her wear a uniform. Cause I'm mean like that. But really, who doesn't want to rock shin guards with a dress?

My Playlist

I couldn't sleep last night so I made one of those PlayList thingys that every Tom, Dick, and Harry seems to have on their blog. Though I only recently realized this when I happened to have the sound turned on and got the shit scared out of me by blasting music on someone's blog. My playlist is at the bottom of this page and it won't start automatically. Your welcome. Hit the play button and go on about your day because there are a hundred plus songs. Would've been more but they didn't have others I listen to. If you have little ears listening, I would suggest you skip some of the songs. Peanut Butter ain't fo' kids.

Sweet, Sweet, Melissa

Do you all remember TheDaughter's classmate Melissa? Well they are in the same class again this year. I suspect the teacher or parent involvement coordinator or counselor or someone is intentionally placing them together each year.

This summer Melissa's 14 year old sister called me back about a playdate. We were camping at the time and so I told her once we were back home, we would get together. Once we were home, I called and left messages but they never again returned my calls.

The school had orientation one night and I got to introduce myself to Melissa's dad and try to strike up a conversation. I had spoken with him a few years ago when the kids were in kindergarten, but he didn't remember. Anyway, they were there for all of five minutes before leaving. The teacher hadn't even started talking, nor had she handed out the required information packet, but dad was acting shifty and they left. The school donated Melissa a backpack and I bought her school supplies and paid the donation and technology fee for her (I think this is why the school makes sure Melissa and my daughter stay in the same classroom).

On the first day of school I walked TheDaughter in to her classroom. Melissa wasn't there. She rides the school bus, so she should have already been in the classroom. Immediately I started thinking through the possible reasons she wasn't there. Maybe her sister ran away again and Melissa is having to get herself up in the morning and get to the school bus. Perhaps she missed the bus. I hope not because her dad punishes her for this by making her do yard work. Being alone in the house at 7 years old and having all that responsibility is too much, in my opinion, and so I don't think he should punish her, but anyway. Maybe dad is having a hard time / on something / etc and sent the kids to a relative in another state (where they stay for several weeks during the summer). Maybe Melissa was there in the school wandering the halls unable to find her classroom, which is on the 2nd floor this year way at the end of the hall, turn a corner, and then you are there. Maybe she is sick.

I wrote that last month. Turns out Melissa was running late, but made it to school okay. We invited her to TheDaughter's birthday party and she actually got to attend. We had rented a birthday party place and they just dropped Melissa off and left, which was fine because there were enough adults there to supervise. When her dad came to pick Melissa up, we were outside standing near the door (because the party place had another birthday group following ours) and he walked right past us. Once we got his attention, he blurted out that Melissa could spend the weekend with TheDaughter. This was in reply to a letter I had written to him the previous school year, one in which he never replied. More odd behavior.

Then Melissa's dad began to let her call TheDaughter on the phone to chat and before I knew it, Melissa was spending the night with us every weekend. This works great because it gives TheDaughter a playmate so I don't have to play Barbies for a gazillion mindnumbing hours. Instead I can sit in front of the TV for a gazillion mindnumbing hours. Besides, it makes it a lot easier to give her clothing and other items she needs (remember we were buying her things for every conceivable holiday - Happy Labor Day, here's a pair of PJs! - and sending them via school bookbag). This year's teacher isn't supportive of ... well, anything really, but especially not okay with 1)me , 2) me volunteering, and 3) me buying items for the needy. So anyway, it was all working out great. I was holding my breath and crossing my fingers hopping TheDaughter didn't ask to stay the night at Melissa's house.

Then she asked but I diverted. Hey! Spend the night at Grandma's and Grandpa's instead! Or let's have Melissa over here again so her dad can have a break, he doesn't have family supports like I do (yes, mine are a joke, but at least I have sporadic help - he has none). And then I had to pull out the "No. You can't because I said so."

This past weekend Melissa called during TheDaughter's soccer game and asked if I would come pick her and her 14 year old sister up and let them spend the night. When we got there, their dad pushed them out the door and said simply "Bye". Melissa's sister was a PITA. She talked nonstop, telling what I'm sure were lies, but some may not have been. It involved her boyfriend who is 16, lives alone, doesn't work and doesn't go to school (deals drugs for money). This is the person she runs away to live with from time to time. Stories of her doing drugs. Information about their mother running away from rehab and living on the streets (this part is confirmed true). History of moving around, instability, CPS intervention, etc. And the most unnerving was when she said that Melissa's dad (the sister's stepdad) is currently doing drugs. Maybe it's a lie. Maybe it explains his behavior as of late? The sister is in SpecEd classes. Every story she told sounded made up. She had this friend who, just a year ago today, died. Everything she told me about happening, happened just a few months ago (even the stuff that I know happened last year or the year before that). She instigated arguments with the kids. She would say real loud "Melissa give me back my Nintendo DS!" and from the other room I would say "Melissa, you have to ask permission to play with your sister's toys." Melissa's sister would then burst out laughing and Melissa and TheDaughter would say "But we didn't touch her DS." She was doing that just to get them in trouble. She would sneak BabyBoy junk food when I told him he had to eat his dinner first before treats. When I got onto her, she either stared at me with evil eyes or acted like I wasn't speaking. It was frustrating. I took them home early.

I am afraid if I don't let her sister come over again, that Melissa won't be allowed to spend the night anymore. But if her dad is using, even if it is only pot, then Melissa could benefit from being out of the house.

What would you do?

The new baby

I keep being asked if we are going to get BabyBoy and BabyGirl's latest sibling. The short answer is no. The long answer is ...

The birthparents left the state even though BirthMom was on probation. They did this so they could attempt to keep this baby. It is #7 for them together. Like the first few of their kids, this one will probably be raised for a few years in bad conditions, witnessing instability, mental illness, drug use, and being beaten and neglected before CPS is able to have enough of a reason to remove the child. Maybe though, they will be able to be stable, seek help for mental health issues, and stay clean long enough to raise this child normally. If not, and this child goes into foster care, it will be in another state. One where the birth parents do not have a record. Meaning they will have a case plan to work, as opposed to getting No Reasonable Efforts and TPR like here in this state. And because they tend to live in the land of denial, even if the child were to go up for adoption there, they would still think they had a chance at getting him/her back, and therefor wouldn't notify anyone in this state.

Because I made the BirthParents mad by having boundaries, they will not willingly place another child with me. And I'm pretty sure the local CPS would try to find a way to justify not placing this baby with me.

I've had both BabyBoy and BabyGirl from the hospital. They were both 2 days old when they came here to live. They have been loved and cared for and nurtured. I wore them in a sling. I fed on demand. I responded immediately to their cries. They have had a stable environment in which to grow. Yet, they both have issues. Partly because of genetics but also partly because of drugs and alcohol.

The BirthParent's 4th child was born addicted to meth. Within 2 months BabyBoy was conceived. BirthMom claims to have gotten clean when she found out she was pregnant with BabyBoy, but that means she was on drugs when he was first developing. I didn't even think to ask her about alcohol. But she told me about drinking alcohol with BabyGirl. When I mentioned how that was harmful, they looked at me like I had lost my mind. They have no desire to stop the behaviors that harm their children. And they certainly have absolutely no intention of stopping making babies. This child, number seven, won't be their last. They will keep procreating and moving around until they get to keep a child or four.

And I can understand that. I want a large family too. So I wish them all the best, truly I do, and hope for everyone's sake that they are able to be stable and provide a good environment for the rest of the kids.

What to do with your kid's artwork, part 1

Are you completely overwhelmed with all of the artwork your kids produce? Do you dread the school year paper accumulation? Is your fridge covered in random bits of paper adorned with cute scribbles, traced handprints, and faces drawn in all colors of the rainbow? Do you secretly throw your kid's artwork in the trash at night just so you wont end up in an episode of Hoarders? If that's you, then you've got to follow this probably sporadic series of post on what to do with your kids artwork.



First up, use it as wrapping paper! Pictured here is artwork by TheDaughter wrapping a birthday present for TheDaughter. How ingenous, right? The great part is she feels special, everyone gets to see her artwork and it is documented in photographs, but then she rips into it and we get to throw it in the trash. No mommy guilt required.

Whose going to Orlando?

How many of you are going to Corey's shindig in Orlando? Because I'm thinking of going and want someone to room with (I'm a tight wad and want the cheapest room rate - $75 for 4 four days and 3 nights people!). Apparently I'm not yet old enough to, you know, go by myself like a big girl. So let me know. We could fill one villa and have a blast! Or totally get on one another's nerves all weekend. Whichever.

And she crawls

BabyGirl has been doing the inchworm for a few weeks, but recently started crawling normally. Here's a video of her doing the inchworm. All that black crumb / dirt looking stuff in the carpet is Oreos. TheDaughter was eating oreos in the floor while I was taking pictures & video of BabyGirl learning to crawl. She'll be 9 months tomorrow.

A Heart of Stone

Can I get a drum roll please?

After how many months of waiting? Here are the results from my Echocardiagram.

Study Indications: History of coronary artery disease (Hmm, that's news to me. You would think I would know if I had a history of something, right?)
Study Quality: This was a technically difficult study with suboptimal views. (What this really means is that my fun bags got in the way. Apparently 2D M-Mode Color Doppler machines can't see through saline.)
ECG Rhymth: Resting bradycardic HR less than 60bpm. (no shit sherlock)
Aortic Root: The aortic root was of normal dimensions
Left Ventricle: The left ventricle size is normal. Left ventricular wall thickness is normal. The calculated left ventricular ejection fraction is 66%. (What? My heart is off ejaculating without using protection? Really, I have no idea what percentage of ejection fraction is considered normal. Is 66% good or bad?)
Left Atrium: The left atrial size is normal.
Right Ventricle: The right ventricle is mildly enlarged measuring between 34-37mm. Mild dense opacities suggestive of mild calcification of visceral and parietal pericardium but only at the apex of the RV free wall. (Dude, I have a heart of stone. I'm so cool!)
Right Atrium: The right atrium was not well visualized (those damn fun bags again)
Mass: No intracardiac mass seen
Thrombus: No thrombus visualized
Pericardium: No significant pericardial effusion.
Aortic Valve: The aortic valve is trileaflet and appear structurally normal
Mitral Valve: The mitral valve is normal.
Tricuspid Valve: The tricuspid valve appears structurally normal. Trace/mild (physiologic) regurgitation.
Pulmonic Valve: Pulmonic valve appears structurally normal, physiologic degree of pulmonic regurgitation.

I still don't have copies of my stress test or EKG. Here's the thing, the cardiologist here is a jerk. And he has the worst bedside manner of any doctor I have ever met. But I'm finally getting another cardiologist. The asshole and I had such a confrontation this week that he suggested I go somewhere else. You know what did him in? I asked questions. You aren't supposed to ask God questions, you know, it pisses him off. And this cardiologist thinks he is the God of Hearts.

First day I went to him (after waiting forever for an appointment), they did an EKG but all he would tell me was that I had "slight irregularities". He asked personal questions that had nothing to do with my heart or my health (about adoption, my motivations, my intentions for fostering, etc). He did a lipid panel on me even though I wasn't fasting. He gave me free samples of a blood pressure lowering medication called Bystolic. I was to take 5mg once per day and increase it to twice per day if needed. There was no informational leaflet, no instructions from the doctor on side effects, and when I asked him if it would react with all my other medications (aspirin, potassium, iron, multivitamin, metformin, etc) he said "I am aware of what medications you take." I asked what kind of BP lowering medication Bystolic was (beta blocker, etc.) and he said "Take this and see if it works." He didn't spend a lot of time with me and he didn't seem to like to answer questions. Not because he didn't know the answers, but because he is the doctor and I am the patient and I should obey. He is male and I am female, and should obey. Meanwhile, my heart rate was 40 and my BP was 184 and I didn't know that was serious enough to go to the ER.

What I later learned was that when you do go to the ER, they call Dr Jerk because he is the only cardiologist in town. But anyway, the next day I had a stress test. I had only been on Bystolic for less than 24 hours, but my BP wasn't down so Dr Jerk added a medication called Valturna. Again, it was free samples, 14 days worth. I would have to wait another three weeks to get the results of the stress test.

Two weeks from the day of the stress test, I had an echocardiagram. For that whole two weeks I felt like shit. My throat felt like a pill was stuck in it. My chest was tight and felt like it was on fire. I couldn't breathe normal. My head often felt like someone was beating me with a baseball bat. And, the fatigue was debilitating.

I went to bed at 8:30pm and slept until 6:30am, got up and took TheDaughter to school, came home fed the other kids breakfast and I took a nap. I would wake up to the kids wanting lunch, so I fed them and put them down for nap, and I would sleep until time to pick TheDaughter up from school. As soon as we got home, I would crash on the couch. Once, I had to pull over on the way home from school to rest so that I wouldn't fall asleep and wreck with the kids in the car. I would sleep until the kids woke me asking for dinner, then would feed them and bathe them and put them to bed and fall asleep immediately. Rinse and repeat. One weekend my parents let the kids spend the night and I slept the entire time. I got up to eat and pee, but that was all. I was still tired when my parents brought the kids home the next day. I thought maybe my anemia had kicked itself up a notch, but my mom said it was probably a side effect of the medication. Sure enough, Dr Google said it was.

But, my blood pressure was down in the normal range. A couple of times it dropped to the 90s but it was when I took the Valturna on an empty stomach. Then of course, I ran out of Valturna and didn't have another appointment for a while, so I just kept taking the Bystolic and hoped for the best. The fatigue lessened and there were a few days where I felt almost back to my normal self. Then the Bystolic samples ran out and I had to use the Rx Dr Jerk gave me which was for 10mg pills instead of 5mg pills. Immediately I felt like poo again. My BP would be high all day and night except for about an hour after I took the 10mg of Bystolic and then my BP would drop fast and low. And I got a new ailment ... leg pain. Severe burning and pain in my right leg on the inside of my thigh where your main artery is. And my foot began to tingle like I had been sitting on it and it fell asleep.

So my appointment finally came where I was supposed to get results of all my tests. The first thing the doctor asked me was a sex related question. Again, it was none of his business and wasn't relevant to my heart in any way, shape, form, or fashion. I was trying to tell him about running out of Valturna and how the high dose of Bystolic wasn't working for me but he cut me off. Then I had the nerve to ask him questions about both medications. This time I was armed with the informational pamphlets from the pharmacy. The Bystolic paper says not to take it if you have diabetes, which I do, or a low heart rate, which I do, because it lowers both via the medication which would be DANGEROUS. I didn't even say "neglectful" which was what I was thinking, but Dr Jerk just said "The first day you were here we just knew we had to get your BP down." But there are Bystolic advertisements all over the office, so I'm sure he gets freebies and kickbacks for prescribing it (hence the reason he wrote a Rx for Bystolic for when I ran out of the samples but didn't write a script for the Valturna). Anyway, then I asked what was wrong with me and he said "Let me pull up your report. I haven't looked at it yet."

That kind of irritated me because I expected him to actually know what was wrong at that appointment. I had gone through all the test. I had taken medication. I had waited patiently trying not to freak out. He said the stress test looked good. I told him that I was hurting like a MoFo during that test (remember my blood pressure got well over 200 during the stress test - they were even concerned that day) but refused to show weakness. I asked about the Echo and he said it was mostly normal too. So then I was confused. Here I am with all these problems and Dr Jerk was saying nothing was wrong.

So I began asking specific questions like "Will I need a pacemaker for the Bradychardia?" and "If there is nothing wrong with my heart, then why does it hurt so freaking bad?" and "What would make my blood pressure be so high then?". The question that made him laugh, and subsequently made me snap, was "Could I have a blood clot in my leg? And could all of this trace back to that birth control pill I took for one week? Because it was that weekend when I visited CrazyTown and all of this crap and headaches and chest pain began." He LAUGHED at me and told me that I needed to "calm down" and "focus". He kept laughing and saying "You just need to calm down." Like I had caused all my problems by being the kind of person who advocates for their own health. I told him off and he told me off. Then I went to have the doppler thing on my legs. And guess what? I have a blood clot in my right leg.

Only the tech said that Dr Jerk wouldn't give me the results of the test until next month when I come back for my next appointment. She said it wasn't in the large part where it would be dangerous if it went to my heart or brain, so they wouldn't do anything about it anyway. I self medicated by adding an extra dose of aspirin (now taking two doses of 81mg OTC aspirin).

And then I requested copies of my paperwork so I could start seeing another cardiologist. I'll have to drive 2 hours, but damn if I'll ever see Dr Jerk again. He referred me to an endocrinologist because he thinks I have an adrenal glad issue. I showed him my test results from where my OBGYN checked all that hormone stuff because we thought I might be perimenopausal. Dr Jerk said my OBGYN wouldn't be able to read the test results closely enough to tell if I had a problem or not, and that I needed to see an endocrinologist, which I will do, but not the person he suggested. I'll see the endo that my doctor recommends, who is also 2 hours away.

Dr Jerk said I shouldn't get a pacemaker until after I get my diabetes and blood pressure under control, yet he declined to look at my booklet where I chart all my finger pricks 8 times per day. He said "When you hear hooves, you should think of horses not zebras, but you? You are a zebra." And Dr jerk can't figure out zebras apparently, so he treats them like shit and passes them off to another doctor.

Dude, my head hurts!

I'm sorry, this blogging thing is being neglected. I don't want it to be, but lately I have no choice. My head hurts. If feels like someone is poking my brain with their finger. Sometimes they use an ice pick. Other times they use a mallet. The location changes but mostly the sides and back. And then there is that whole thing where my heart doesn't want to beat. I mean, it's convinced 30ish beats per minute is enough and anything else is overtime and therefore requires extra payment. Probably payment in years off my time on this Earth. Which totally sucks because I don't wanna die. Like, I spent so many years kinda hating my own existence, and then when the Emo / teen angst years were over, like last year, I decided I wasn't ready afterall. You know, because I have kids and I want to see them grow up.

And speaking of kids, a new one may be joining us tonight. She just got kicked out of the group home and they have nowhere else for her to go. She has major attitude and curses people out. This is just what they are telling me, who knows what is being left unsaid (like when they asked me to take a sibling group of 3 yesterday and left out that two of the kids have ADHD, ODD, and Psychosis but because they are ages 4 and 5 they don't qualify for therapeutic care or group homes because they are "too young to have severe mental health issues"). She's been in care for over a year but hasn't had a Psch Eval. Mom's in rehab. Older sister ran away from group home, got picked up and put in jail, then released from foster care. CPS said "You know they all live together up around that bad neighborhood. They'll all kin to each other somehow. So I think we released her to an aunt or something. But they all live together." Did I mention she is African American? Yeah, gotta love the racism/prejudism in the south. Not.

Oh wait, I should backtrack.

I started planning my funeral so Darwin or my parents wouldn't have to. Every time someone dies, my parents have to deal with the burial arrangements, and I don't want them to have to go through that with me. Besides, I have to get it done now because I won't be able to control things once I'm worm food. And it's all about the control. And then one day I no longer felt a sense of impending doom. Instead I felt that my adoption journey was most certainly not complete. That didn't make sense to me, to adopt again, since I have one foot in the grave already, but if I have learned anything in the past few years, it is to listen to my inner voice and follow my instinct / gut reaction. Without a doubt I felt that I was to adopt a black girl. A baby girl. And something told me that my cousin would be the birth mother, maybe? IDK.

And then CPS called about a black girl. Only she is 14 and not going to be eligible for adoption. So, I started to question myself. Was this a sign? Is this her and I just misread the age? Do I accept the placement? WTF! Why does this shit happen at the most inopportune times (my echo is in the morning)?

Then my aunt called and said that my cousin had a baby and they are living in a shelter in a state further west from here. But the baby is a boy and white. And her BabyDaddy is the same one from her last child and they are still together.

Could it be that my gut is confused from the lack of oxygenated blood? Or that I am reading things wrong because of my health shit?

What does it matter anyway, I can't take care of more kids with my blood pressure bouncing around like it's on some kind of trampoline or something. Seriously? When your BP dips to 90 or below, you feel WEIRD. A different kind of weird from when it is 184, but still weird. And sometimes my vision gets so blurry that I can't see, which isn't related to my sugar which has been completely normal and level, even though I'm not taking the Metformin right now. So I'm kinda thinking there is something going on in my brain, not just in my heart, though obviously there too (great, now I have that Wizard of Oz song in my head ... If I only had a brain).

But anyway, yeah, I feel like poo and can't promise to post regularly for a while. I hope you all understand.