Jumping Tic Tac Toe

BabyGirl at 5 months and 5 days

She weighs only 14 pounds but is 23.5 inches long. She got her 4 month shots and took them like a trouper. I told the doctor of my concerns about her head still being wobbly, but of course she was holding it up with no problems at the appointment. She has been rolling over for months and is teething, reaching for objects, following things with her eyes, smiling, cooing and trying to laugh. She won't be going back for her 6 month shots until she is 7 months old. I am hoping she will catch up by then. BabyBoy was already up with his peers by this point. They were both the same birth weight. BabyGirl's eyes are different though, more slits than saucers. And her shit stinks infinitely more. I am thinking she has some kind of intestinal infection, as BabyBoy did early on and only got over after spending 6 days in the hospital on IV antibiotics. He has been mostly healthy ever since.

The Daughter, on the other hand, has now caught my sickness.

It happened, I ran into the Respite Family

The setting: The Cheerleader's high school graduation (more on that in a moment) at Mayberry's non air conditioned gym.

The Characters: Moi, The Daughter, Respite Mom, Respite Dad, and their Bio Child

We arrive at the entrance door at exactly the same moment. Respite Mom opens the door just as I am reaching for it. Our hands touch and we look up and notice one another. We both look at each another wondering just what in the hell brought the other to graduation. They know I don't have kids that go there. I know they don't have kids that go there. We stare not knowing what to say. I smile and say "hi!" and immediately regret not having sent a note or called them post drama to smooth things out. Respite Mom frowns and says "Go ahead." We enter the sweltering standing room only gym where we are forced to remain side by side for the entire hour, our noses constantly being assaulted in unison from 500 country folks packed in an inferno after a hard days work shoveling chicken shit. We don't say a word to one another for the entire time. We act like the other person doesn't exist. This was what I was afraid would happen. Awkward.

The Cheerleader managed to procrastinate on applying for college and filling out her FAFSA to the point of not having a plan now. Childhood frienemy blames it on lack of help. When I pointed out that both me, her SW, and her therapist all tried to get her to complete this stuff before leaving foster care, even going so far as to give her college catalogs, call in favors with faculty friends, and talk her through filling out the FAFSA, childhood frienemy said it was only because of HER helping The Cheerleader that she was even able to be where she is now. Of course. Did I mention that The Cheerleader is moving in with my childhood frienemy next week? Yeah.

Childhood frienemy's son started dating The Cheerleader right before she left foster care. I warned childhood frienemy about The Cheerleader's manipulating ways, her bad influence, etc. Childhood frienemy couldn't see it, still doesn't, to her it is all of us who has failed The Cheerleader. When I told her that they will have sex, childhood frienemy said "not my son. He knows better. He wouldn't do that to me." She only accepted it after the police caught them in the church parking lot making out. Even then she still left them at home alone saying that her son wouldn't dare disrespect her and have sex in her house. When I told her that The Cheerleader drank alcohol and partied and stuff, she didn't believe me. Recently her son was caught drinking alcohol and smoking pot. Guess who told ChildHood Frienemy? The Cheerleader did, of course. Because he broke up with her, and her way of getting back at him, was to tell his mother where he was really at and what he was really doing. So now, Childhood Frienemy thinks even more highly of The Cheerleader. She doesn't seem to realize that it was The Cheerleader who taught her son all these things. She doesn't seem to grasp the fact that The Cheerleader hid these things and lied to her about things all this time, until now, until it benefited The Cheerleader to share the information. Because now, the ONLY person that Childhood Frienemy's son is allowed to hang out with is The Cheerleader. Manipulation = successful.

The icing on the cake? Childhood Frienemy helped the Respite Family with their attempt at taking Jenny from me. Apparently Respite Dad is Childhood Frienemy's kids youth pastor. And for whatever reason, they all seem to think they are better parents than I.

Anyway, back to The Cheerleader's graduation. I didn't get an invitation, but went anyway. Her mom is in jail again so wasn't there, but both sides of her gradparents were there plus her distant cousins through marriage that she lived with before entering foster care, and her father was allowed a pass from prison to attend her graduation. As soon as the graduation was over, they all left. The Cheerleader said she didn't have anything to do now, so of course Childhood Frienemy invited her over to spend the night (yes, with her son there in the same house). The car that she kept saying was promised to her upon graduation? Didn't happen. Because it wasn't promised. I asked the grandparent that The Cheerleader kept saying was going to buy it, and he said no way would he buy The Cheerleader a car due to her wrecking the first one, getting multiple speeding tickets, sneaking out of the house, lying and manipulating, etc. Basically, he's got her number. So guess who is going to try and find her a car? Yep, Childhood Frienemy. They are two peas in a pod, apparently.

Also found out that Shadow was telling everyone that I yelled at her, was mean to her, and that she was afraid of me. So, all that drama that I couldn't figure out before? Maybe was more her fault than The Cheerleaders, though I'll never know for sure.

Right now I am sick again. Body aches, fever, sinus stuff, nausea, stiff neck, extreme fatigue. Got a big meeting in the morning and then I'm going to the doctor.

Dear Census People

Dear Census People AKA The Government,

Even though it annoyed me, and asked stupid-ass questions that are none of your business, I answered the first census form. It took more than 10 minutes, by the way. Then, when the second identical form came, I filled it out too. The answers were the same, funny how that works. So why is it then that you sent a person out to my house to ask me the same goddamned questions? Not only did the dude come out to my house 3 times in 3 days, but he also called and left messages twice per day each day. I was out of town. Didn't realize the census was so life threateningly important. Besides, didn't you get the first two forms you had me fill out and send in? I hope you enjoy the information from the census dude. He got the info from one of our neighbors that doesn't know us. He also can't spell for shit. Even when I said A as in Alpha, B as in Bravo, C as in Charlie, etc. And instead of writing down the city as Smallville, he wrote Smallsville. He messed up the ages too. When I said Jenny was born in 1995, he said "So she was 4 on April 1st." I laughed and said "Sure." Because, really? The dude pissed me off and wasted 30 fucking minutes of my time. He said it would only take 2 to 3 minutes. But I'm warning you, if you send me yet another census form or gosh forbid another idiot worker to my house, I will hunt you down and shove it up your ass.

Kisses

P.S. That same guy called the house again today (a week later). He'll "just take 2 to 3 minutes" of my time (when I told him that he had already returned my call and been to the house and filled out my form, he couldn't recall any of it - dementia much?)... Maybe you should look into firing him. Just sayin.

Changing #12's name

So Jaime just isn't working for #12's name. Yes, I got all your complaints. We will now call her Jenny, but only if y'all promise to say it in your best Forrest Gump voice. Okay? Thanks for playing.

Hey, we're still at war

You know shit in Iraq is like a field day. Like a resort. Going on a fucking vacation. Upgrading. Meanwhile Afghanistan hasn't changed much since 2001. Just thought I'd let you know. That is all.

She's here to stay

By noon on Monday CPS had made the decision that Jenny is here to stay. They felt that something manipulative might be going on (ya think?). They also said teenagers would eat the respite family for lunch. I agree. They are young and inexperienced with fostering. But also, CPS didn't have any concerns with my home or my parenting. I can't tell you how good it was to hear that. Now, that doesn't mean they won't dislike me tomorrow, but for today, we're BFF.

Jenny threw fits, cried, pouted, and tried to control the situation but I refused to engage. By Monday morning she had calmed down enough to talk it out. That's when she was finally able to articulate some things. Like the fact she was scared of me. Or scared of talking to me. She also said respite mom was "scared to death" of me. I got that impression too, but what a bold move she made to have been so fearful of me, no? Also, Jenny talked about how busy they were over there and so she wasn't ruminating all day long. I explained how she was essentially on vacation, with new things and experiences, plus they had a busy schedule that weekend with their daughter's dance recital and practice plus all the farm duties that have to be completed each day. I pointed out how they dropped their foster kids off somewhere else just so they could pay Jenny some attention and how it wouldn't be like that all the time. The honeymoon would've ended after a couple of weeks. But, in an effort to show her that I care, we sat down and made a schedule of events, chores, and appointments for Jenny to help her get through each day. I'll drop her and my sister off at the community pool one day per week. Another day she will have voice lessons. Another a visit with her mom and sister. Either Friday or Saturday, but not both, she can either go skating, bowling, or go to the movies. I piled on the chores, because she asked for them, and she happily worked through them only stopping to watch soap operas in her room for a few hours. All was good again.

Until today when she had counseling. The counselor apparently spent time bring up The Cheerleader's view of living here, which included that I was a mean bitch who made her clean toilets with a toothbrush while chained to the wall only stopping to eat a few bread crumbs and taking sips of toilet water. So much for confidentiality and focusing on the current foster kid. The counselor gave tips on how we can work on bonding. We are, or were, already bonded. The counselor is one of those straight out of college, no experience as a parent, believes everything teenagers tell her, and wants to take the foster kids home with her because she loves them so, kind of person. Yeah, total PITA.

And then the SW came for a homevisit in order to officially tell Jenny she wasn't moving homes. Jenny began crying which made it seem like she was super sad, when in reality she had been fine, busy, smiling, and singing all day long. She finally realized she wasn't going home to her mother until the next court date in 90 days. So she is stuck with us all summer. Boo hoo.

Soon she will be tested for SpecEd and get a PsychEval. Her school records indicate that the last grade completed was 5th, not 6th like we previously thought. I'm leaving out a whole bunch of stuff because I'm tired, but for the most part it's all good. I'm trying to figure out how to repair things with the respite family. For political reasons, yes, but also because they live near my parents in a very small town and we are bound to run into one another. Seems a better idea to be proactive in circumventing any potential awkwardness.

Getting Rich

Do you remember the girl who was cutting herself? The one who was selectively mute, masturbated in front of the kids, and refused to eat and bathe? I think her blog name was Chelsea. Got her board payment today. $62.47

Remember her sister Layla? Emaciated, unbathed, and also disturbed? Board payment $15.62

On the upside, at least they didn't cost me anything in food or water. Ba Da Boom

And so that's how I'm getting rich being a foster parent.

Why I can't go away for a break without kids

This is the exact email I just sent to CPS, well with locations and names blogified.

Hello All,

As you know, I have been at the UnNamedPlace in AnyTownUSA. You would know this because I had to ask for respite for Jenny. It was my first time using respite and we've been fostering for 3 years. Jenny is our 12th placement and she is not our first teenager. I was very picky about who I choose for respite because I care a great deal about Jenny. I would have preferred for her to stay with my parents like the other kids did, but was able to get her to stay with people I grew up around who live nearby my parents. This was a good thing. So imagine my surprise when only hours after I left on Thursday, Jenny, her bio mother, and respite mom began contacting CPS in order to have Jenny moved to the respite home on a permanent basis.

I suspected something was going on, but nobody would tell me what. I didn't know they wanted her to move in with them until I got home this afternoon and went to try and pick her up (she was resistant). That's when I found out that Jenny asked if she could move in with them and that her biological mother in addition to the respite mother had been attempting to contact both SW and SW's supervisor. Both were unavailable apparently.

I should back track. Jenny has not expressed her unhappiness at being in my home until this point. She has spoken with her worker and GAL and said she is fine here but wanted to be home with her mom. I think she even said she liked it here though you'd have to ask them for a direct quote. She has gone shopping with us and I've bought her hundreds of dollars worth of clothing and shoes and makeup. She watches TV in her room, listens to music in her room, texts on her phone, jumps on the trampoline, plays with the kids, talks with me, does chores with me, watches TV with me, plays board games with us all as a family, etc. She was sad the first week she lived here, and she cried daily, but after visits started with her mother, she stopped crying. This is pretty typical for children in care - to be sad until they start having regular contact with family. From the beginning, both Jenny and her mother asked me what they could do to get back together sooner. I coached Jenny's mom through the process of looking for a job and even referred her to specific places of employment (for example the drycleaners job - i found the info on state employment website and passed it on to her), told her how to get a court appointed attorney, told her she couldn't have Jenny's sister, boyfriend, etc living there because they too have an open case with CPS, told her she has to get clean and stay that way, gave her info on section 8 housing, etc. Basically I told her what was probably going to be in her case plan given at the ISP, but I gave her the information a week or two before she would have gotten it from CPS at the meeting. This is why she was so much ahead of the game at the ISP, by the way.

When visits started, I supervised. I spent from 10am to 2pm doing the visit, volunteered to do them regularly, etc. I advocated for Jenny in the ISP meeting. I calmed her fears, I hugged and comforted her, etc. But, I was a parent, not a friend. I made the mistake of being a friend instead of a parent to my first foster kid. I learned the hard way.

So on Wednesday when Jenny took the house key without my permission and locked the door and left with a transportation worker, and I couldn't get back in the house and had to drive down to Jenny in order to retrieve my house key, I got onto Jenny. I just talked to her and told her that she wasn't allowed to take the house key without permission. Nothing earth-shattering, but she wasn't supposed to be rewarded for it either.

Then she went to respite the next day. And she went skating. I hadn't let her go skating since she moved here because she keeps wanting to go with a boy named Rory who lives in Skanks R Us trailer park. He is her ex boyfriend, someone who I feel is a bad influence on her, and who she has said that has smoked pot although she claims he no longer does. At respite though, they had a family member who went skating with her, and the respite dad has a police friend who watched out for the girls while they were skating. I felt comfortable with her going under those circumstances and gave my permission. The next day, my mom was scheduled to pick Jenny up at 2pm. I suspected something was up when Jenny sent me a text saying respite dad had bought her a ticket to attend a recital with their family. I called and canceled my mom from going to get Jenny. I was to be home at 5pm. By the time I got here, respite dad was asking for Jenny to stay another night. Jenny was being elusive in conversation and respite mom wouldn't speak to me (she doesn't like confrontation). That's when I found out that they had been trying to get her to move there (but didn't want to have to tell me).

Jenny says that her and respite mom are now best friends. I can understand that, but
you have to be a parent, not a best friend. Jenny's mom has been Jenny's "friend" and Jenny needs a mother figure. When you are close in age to the foster child, and you are a peer-like friend, it is harder to be an authority figure when the occasion ultimately arises when you have to set boundaries and rules and dole out consequences. I tried to explain this to the respite mom, but she was rather offended. I get that. I was highly offended to come home to find out that the people I trusted, and actually requested by name, have made inquires to obtain the foster child that is currently placed in my home.

Jenny is using buzzwords like "I'm happier there" and "I feel more at home there" which if true, and aren't some form of manipulation, would be reason to reassess the situation. After all, this is supposed to be all about the children and doing what is in their best interest. My kids and I are very attached to Jenny and want what is best for her. Obviously we care. We've been trying to get her reunited with her bio mom ASAP. And even though I am hurt at the actions of the respite family, they are good people. As always, I will respect whatever decision CPS makes in the situation.

In our home Jenny has rules and chores. Some of the rules she repeatedly violates and I have to issue warnings and reminders. For example, there are no phone calls in or out after 8pm, yet her mother calls her after 8pm regularly and they talk on the phone for hours. On weekdays I expect her to have lights out and TV and radio off at 10pm, but at least 3 or 4 times per week I have to go knock on the door after midnight and tell her to turn it all off because I can't sleep with all the noise. At respite there aren't rules and chores because it's like a sleepover or a vacation. It is fun. And you make friends. And that is great because then you have a place to go for future respite and you may even go to church with the respite family one Sunday or go to a birthday party or something like that. It's great to expand your support base.

I can tell you this though, I'll never use respite again.

Sincerely,
Mothering4Money

Court, follow up on #12

People are typically packed into the courtroom like sardines. It is standing room only. There's a long docket and the judge has to take breaks to wet his whistle, or something. You get to hear everyone's business because they call names and have hearings in front of everybody and their mama. As a foster parent, you are rarely if ever acknowledged as being present. So rather than waste my time and pay big bucks for a babysitter, I chose not to attend Jenny's latest court hearing. But here's her case update.

Jenny's mom showed up with her court appointed attorney and shocked CPS. The next court date was supposed to be in 90 days. Visits were supposed to be supervised. Now, the next court date is in 30 days and visits are unsupervised more frequent. Funny how that works.

Her SW seemed to be on the ball, doing everything by the book, but has since proven herself to be kinda flaky? Absent minded? Not sure what to call it. She lost the paper she took notes when she came out for a homevist. She couldn't remember what time visits were supposed to be and had to ask me. She didn't think to do an internet search for the fax number to the last school Jenny attended. She sent a second clothing voucher which was great for Jenny. I guess maybe she forgot about the first one. Or maybe just realized Jenny needed more stuff. Some SW's won't give a voucher at all, even if the kid stinks and has nothing but the clothes on their back. They act like you are asking them for money from their own pocket.

Anyway, looks like Jenny will be going home during the summer rather than after school starts. Her mom passed her drug test and appears to be working towards obtaining employment. She still isn't calling as much. But maybe that is due to the fact that they are having visits now so she doesn't feel the need to scramble so much to find ways to call?

ISP (Individualized Service Plan) Meeting

So many of these things are done informally, that I was quite shocked when we attended a formal one. Seriously, we once got a copy of an ISP that said it was done via phone call. The call, on my part at least, did not exist, but the SW had marked my signature as being "signature authorized via phone ISP". Another time we were sitting in the living room floor playing with the kids, petting the cat, and chatting. Only later did the worker pull out a paper for us to sign, stating we just had an ISP meeting. So when Jenny's worker asked for me to attend the meeting at CPS, I was impressed.

You are supposed to have an ISP within so many hours of a child entering care, and again after any moves or other changes. That time table was not met in this case, but most everything else was. A very clear case plan was laid out for Jenny's Mom. She has to attend drug court, get a job, and provide stable housing. She already signed up for drug court, got a court appointed attorney, and applied for jobs because I told her those were probably the things she would need to do. I told her it would look good if she had already taken the initiative to get those things done before we had the ISP meeting. CPS didn't mandate parenting classes or counseling, which I thought they would, so I'm guessing they were happy with mom's progress.

We're having 4 hour visits once per week, with me supervising (we've also informally been having other visits where we all go out to eat together). CPS is providing transportation to and from the visits for Jenny's Mom. They are also providing transportation for her to apply for jobs, go to interviews, go to court, go to drug testing, and go to housing and medical appointments. They gave her applications for state insurance, foodstamps, housing, etc. When she gets a job, they will provide transportation to and from work for the first two weeks until she gets a paycheck. Then she will have the money to pay for public transportation. When she gets into Section 8 housing, her rent will be $1 per month and CPS will pay to have her utilities turned on. CPS took down info of all relatives and friends of the family to potentially set up a safety plan and get Jenny out of foster care (unfortunately every single person has either a criminal background and/or lost custody of their kids and/or has CPS involvement currently). As her drug levels go down (pot takes 30 days to get out of the system), visits will increase to unsupervised and then overnight. The goal is to transition her home in 3 months or less.

We all walked away from the meeting optimistic which is why it was so confusing when Jenny's Mom went MIA. She went from calling twice per day to not calling at all. She's called Jenny's sister from two separate men's phones but when Jenny calls the number, her mom has left the premises. Today one guy said to call back after 2pm when he took his wife to work as that was when her mom came over. I put a stop to that. From now on, Jenny isn't allowed to call anyone but her sister and mother's phones directly. If they call her from a number that isn't theirs, then she can answer, but she can't go calling up every Tom, Dick, and Harry looking for her mom and pissing off wives everywhere.

But that's off topic.

ISP's are to list the child's strengths and needs and the parent's steps of action needed to obtain custody again. Jenny is enrolled in the ILP (Independent Living Program) now and is set up to have extracurricular activities and such paid for by CPS. They are working on getting her transcripts from out of state and calling to find a summer school for her locally. I'm trying to find her a doctor that is taking new patients and scheduling her other appointments like dental and counseling. Jenny is making her a list of things she wants to do during the summer before she goes home (go to the beach, swim in our pool, get picture ID, go on vacation, etc). We've already been around town looking for her a job (hard for a 15 year old who can't get a work permit because she hasn't been to school in 3 years). She is inquiring about singing lessons. She is reading all my old issues of MS magazine (squee!!!). She is studying for her drivers permit. Essentially, Jenny is making the best of the situation.

Next up, court.

How the visit went

After my last post, I decided to go ahead and try another visit. I know if I were in the Birth Mom's shoes and it were my bio kids, I would hope the adoptive mother would let me see the kids. Of course I wouldn't be all drugged out and stuff, but I'm trying to be kind and considerate (I know, it's so not like me. Har Dee Har Har).

I would first like to restate that both BabyBoy and BabyGirl have been with us since they were two days old. BabyBoy did NOT have visits with the BirthParents AT ALL until AFTER WE ADOPTED HIM. He was two years old at this time. He did not know them. There were two court dates where they got to see BabyBoy, at the 72 hour hearing in February 2008 (he was 3 days old) and again at the last TPR hearing in January 2009 (he was about to turn one). My point is that this isn't a situation where a BirthParent had their bio child for a long time and then did visits for a few years and then after adoption no longer got to visit. Not the case at all. They are essentially strangers to BabyBoy.

After BabyGirl was born, we did visits twice a week. That was not what was agreed to, but the BirthParents manipulated the situation. They needed money, food, transportation, etc and so I would be driving to them with kids in tow several times per week. This was broken up by periods of a week or so where BirthDad would go on a tirade and demand visits stop. Or he would threaten me and I would say no more visits until they respected boundaries. Then the visits were once a week. They were supposed to be once per month. Anyway almost two months ago the visits stopped due to all the stuff I talked about in the last post (go read the links to get the whole story). BabyGirl is only 4 months old, so they had visits for roughly 2 months of her life. It was during this two months that BabyBoy also had visits with the BirthParents.

Today, the Birth Parents showed up with friends. This violated one boundary. They were not clean (meaning BirthDad smoked a little weed before the visit to chill out). This violated another. They tried to feed BabyBoy ice cream, even after I asked them not to for like the gazillionth time (he's lactose intolerant). They let their friend hold BabyGirl. This friend wasn't clean. And by that I mean the not bathed kind. BirthDad gave BabyGirl soda and when I saw and stopped him he got mad. Yelling mad. They critiqued my parenting (the kids sound congested, the kids seem to be sick, the kids feel feverish, the kids don't seem to want to eat, the kids are eating too much, OMG the baby won't burp take her to the ER now, etc). BirthDad consistently called BirthMom "mom" and he kept grabbing BabyBoy and hugging & kissing him saying "i love you". This frightened BabyBoy. Remember this was a stranger touching him against his will. BirthMom kept correcting BabyBoy when he called me mom. She would say "That's myrealname, I'm your mom."

Normally I would have cut the whole thing short and left, but Jenny (new girl AKA #12) was having a visit with her mom and it was to last from 10 to 1. I was there to supervise it. The Birth Parent's friends didn't leave because they were the providers of transportation and apparently also of a residence. Birth Parents burned down the trailer park where they were living, making meth. Birth Dad lost his job that he had only had for a few weeks, when he was in jail. So they are sleeping on the couch at a friends trailer "until they get back on their feet". BirthMom is still working at her fast food location and apparently doing well there.

And then BirthDad said "Come July, I'm going to hire a good lawyer and get my kids back. All my kids." I think he is expecting to get some inheritance money on his birthday, but I'm not sure if this is his wishful thinking or reality. I do know that he won't stand a chance of getting the ones back that he tortured by holding their heads in the toilet, or the ones he held a knife to their necks, or the ones he beat so badly the bruises are documented in pictures. You know, the case that CPS gave them over 9 years to work out before finally terminating just before BabyBoy's termination last year. And really I'm not too worried about it because he is mostly all talk and no action. Like that cabin in Montana that he says they own. Or the triple wide trailer on several acres right on the beach in the Florida that they also own. Or how he shot out the radiator in a social workers car once. Oh wait, that one is actually true.

I won't be doing anymore visits.

Rethinking Open Adoption

I always thought an open adoption was the best way to go. I have a cousin who was adopted (well kinda - long story for another post) but it was hidden from her until she was around 17. When she found out, she was horribly upset. Suddenly she wasn't sure who she was. Her whole life was a lie. She's never been the same since. And so I knew that if I ever adopted, that I would be honest from the get-go.

And then I adopted.

For the most part I still wanted an open relationship with BabyBoy and BabyGirl's birth parents. Even when Birth Dad started out breaking previously agreed upon terms about what the kids would call them, then Birth Mom started in with the hinting, then it got worse. Of course they worked their way up to critiquing my parenting and asking for money. By the time BabyGirl was one month old, I had given them BabyBoy's last board payment and tried to help them as much as I could. They kept pushing boundaries, asking for money, and possibly doing drugs. BirthDad started texting dramatic suicide hints and they gave out my phone number as their own. As if things couldn't get any weirder, Birth Dad then began threatening me with a restraining order and I started doubting that the whole open adoption thing was going to work. But BirthMom still wanted to see the kids, so I tried but Birth Dad upped the controlling , angry, manipulative, unstable nature of his interactions and so I postponed. I think that was March 21st.

April 4th Birth Mom texts Happy Easter to the kids, using someone else's phone.

April 13th Birth Mom texts, again from someone's phone, that they are in my city and was just wondering if I would meet them for a few minutes so they could see the kids. Oh geeze let me drop everything and run meet you like nothing bad/harmful/hurtful ever happened.

April 17th Birth Dad calls collect from the local city jail. I didn't accept the calls. Yes, plural, he called twice.

April 24th Birth Dad texts from their own phone this time "Hey girl, it's BirthDad. I'm sorry I been acting like an ass loosing my mom and uncle and aunt and my kids and not working hit me the wrong way to much to deal with at one time and i took my anger out on the people I love the most. But I'm back on track now I make 10 bucks an hour new job we got new place to live in the country and I got my mom's tombstone i got to go set it today and again, I'm really sorry for everything. Give babys hugs and kisses and I love them."

That same day Birth Mom called and sent text messages. She sent me their new mailing address and said she has learned all parts of the specific fast food location where she works. She went on to make sure I got BirthDad's text apologizing and then started in asking when we could do a visit. I was thinking about how to reiterate the rules and boundaries for a visit when I received a text saying they were in my city again.

"We are at Such and Such Place in Your City. Call me. Checking on getting married up here. Want y'all there. Would like to have Baby Boy as ring bearer if ok."

I thought they got married before. Apparently not. How do I feel about Baby Boy being in their wedding? Can we do visits without them repeating all those things from the past few months? Will they become even more unstable and erratic? How angry are they going to be when they find out we changed Baby Girl's name? Will they tell Baby Boy to call them Mom and Dad like they've been doing, in direct conflict with what we had agreed on, which was that the kids would call them by their first names. Are they capable of respecting us and our boundaries? Am I putting the kids in danger by being around the Birth Parents? Is this open relationship going to work at all?

I don't know.

I look at those birth certificates that have our names listed, completely erased of their real birth history and I feel sad for the loss. But when we get a new foster kid and she treats all the kids like they are mine until she finds out otherwise and then reverts to paying more attention to the foster/adopted kids, just like everyone before her, I start to wonder if maybe we shouldn't tell people. If we didn't tell, nobody would know because it says right there on the birth certificate that I gave birth to them. When the kids get older, will they scream at me that I'm not their real mom? Will they reject everything I teach them in favor of living the not-so-great lifestyle of their birth parents? Can all of that be avoided by just not telling them about being adopted? Not subjecting them to the Birth Parents influence?

It's not as easy as I once thought.

Of course I'll tell the kids about being adopted. It's part of their story. And I'll tell them about their Birth Parents and show them pictures, but I can't keep riding this roller coaster of on-again off-again erratic behavior. The complete disregard for boundaries, and the threatening behavior is scary. This is not a coparenting situation. Do I empathize with them? Yes. Does my heart break for them? Yes. Can I understand how badly they want to see their birth children and how horrible it must feel to have given birth to 6 kids and not have any of them to raise? Yeah, I know it must suck ass. So there you have it, the answers aren't always so easy.

May Flowers