Dear Debt Collectors

Dear Annoying Assholes Who Call Our House At All Times of the Day and Night,

No matter how many times you call our phone, we will never be Margaret Doe. No matter how many times you call our phone, we will never be Fred Doe. Nor will we be David or Monique or Tiffany or Jason. This is the Jane & John Doe residence. We aren't even really kin to any of the Does. See, I explain this to you every time you call. I can understand that you are in India (no offense to India - love your funky deities and free range animals) and English isn't your first language, so maybe you can't understand me. I'm writing this to you in hopes your comprehension of English is better when written.

MIL had 4 kids with Mr Doe, not the one you are looking for and none of the kids are people you are looking for, but anyway she left him and the kids and hooked up with an Amish dude. They had my husband and his brother (who's also not a name you are calling about) and since Mr Amish could fuck a commoner, but he couldn't marry her or else he couldn't go live with God when he dies, he flew the coop and MIL gave those 2 kids the same last name as her first 4 kids. I know it's confusing. They make fun of my southern family tree with it's single branches and shit, but honestly, theirs is also messed up.

When you call and say "Is this Jane Doe?" and I reply "Yes." and then you go to telling me that we have an overdue debt of $1352.00 at such and such bank that we've never heard of and I tell you that you are Fing crazy. Don't then think it's okay to say "Well, aren't you David Doe's wife?" You should lead with that. Start by asking to speak to David Doe or his wife. I know your job sucks and so I'll be nice to you when I tell you that you can mark our number off your list and keep calling all the rest of the Does in the phone book. I know that's what you are doing. I could tell when you called me last week. And the week before. And the week before that.

Don't call here saying you are from a monument company needing some information about Tiffany Doe's headstone. I'd gladly give you the information if I knew who the hell she was. You do get bonus points for creativity though.

Margaret Doe seems to have a bad habit of writing bad checks. I think she must be caught sometimes because the calls stop for a while, then we get local calls, then they stop, then nationwide calls. I guess that means shes on the run. If you call here one more time demanding that I am in fact Margaret Doe, calling me a liar when I tell you that isn't my name, I may just hunt you down and kill you. I have anger issues and I'm really good at hiding dead bodies.

So in closing, we Jane & John Doe, pay our bills on time all the time. We sometimes even pay them early. We've been known to pay things off years in advance. And though our last name is Doe, we aren't kin to all of them. We aren't even kin to any of them. Please stop calling our house. Especially at 2am when you'd know better than to call if you weren't in India. Thanks so much.

Hope You Die a Slow Painful Death And Stop Calling Our House,
The Jane & John Doe Family