See, I'm not a stone-cold meanie. Today after running my own errands, purchasing groceries and gas, dropping by the lawyers office, taking one kid to a sibling visit, another to storytime, and yet another to a playdate, I transported BirthParents to hither and yon. Paid their pharmacy bill. Bought them groceries. Got kerosene. Took them out to eat. Gave a gift card. And even mediated their spats. Come join me at Martyrs-R-Us where your damned if you do and damned if you don't.
No really, we had a couple of tense conversations where we talked about hard topics and set some boundaries. For example, BirthDad went to grab BabyGirl's carseat and carry her inside someone's trailer that I didn't know, without me, and I said that it was best for her to stay in the van where it was warm. He got a little mad but there was a boundary identified. We agreed to one phone call or text every other day. And I asserted that I will transport them for visits and seeking employment, nothing else. I gave them a copy of my little booklet that has foodbanks and other places of assistance. Already I feel better; less guilty, more proactive which means I can focus on taking care of the kids, which is what I really want to do.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
My Baby Mama is driving me nuts
10:00 PM she calls wanting me to come pick her up and take her home. Like I'm supposed to wake up and then load up 4 kids and go out into the 20 degree weather, drive all that way, take her home, then be guilted into giving her more money. You know money for drugs kerosene and groceries.
Lets go backwards, like that episode of Seinfeld.
6:00 PM phone is ringing as I'm holding newborn and making her bottle while 22 month old is sitting on my feet holding onto my legs riding along like a monkey and 6 year old is standing by my side asking me to open her DVD she got for Christmas. I laugh thinking even if BirthMom could see what was happening in our house, she would still pester the shit out of me.
She calls to let me know she made it to the hospital. She is in the ER but there is a long wait. She's "just letting me know" but says it like she is expecting me to come get her when she is done.
4:39 PM she calls from her neighbors phone, again. Still at Health Dept getting birth certificate for adoption.
3:52 PM calls from neighbors phone, but I'm at the Health Dept so don't answer.
3:01 PM sends a text message from neighbors phone. Can't get in touch with SW, can't get ride to Post Office, "or nothing"
2:57 PM she calls from her neighbors phone saying she still needs a ride to the hospital.
2:19 PM calls again complaining, crying, hinting, begging. I tell her to let me get off the phone and think about what we might can do for her without looking like we are bribing them or buying them off. Go talk to The Husband about what to do.
1:44 PM, sends text message from Some Other Person's phone saying she still hasn't been able to get a ride to post office to get certified letters. Assumes the letters are from CPS regarding BabyGirl.
1:41 PM calls from a phone number that I don't recognize. This is some other person she knows who allows her to use their phone. I don't answer.
10:27 AM she calls for the first time of the day. She's using someone's phone that she hasn't called me from before. We talk for 20 minutes. During this time she cries, threatens to kill herself, gets mad that I'm not helping her like the previous adoptive person did, insinuates that CPS paperwork they got in the mail says we are unfit due to abuse and neglect (it means the previous adoptive person, not us), and blatantly asks for money. Says she is in pain and needs more pain medication. I mention that she has gone through two Rx's for pain pills in 14 days, both prescriptions were for a 30 day supply, so 60 highly addictive pain pills in two weeks. She alludes to someone stealing her pills. I ask if she is taking her depokate and she says it isn't working but doesn't say if she is taking it or not. She goes on and on about needing a ride to the ER or money and a ride to a walk-in clinic and some money for kerosene because they are freezing. I ask if BirthDad can't get a job working with someone who lives in the trailer park that has a vehicle. Excuses, excuses, excuses. Not once did she ask about the kids.
Hey, at least she let us sleep in this morning.
Lets go backwards, like that episode of Seinfeld.
6:00 PM phone is ringing as I'm holding newborn and making her bottle while 22 month old is sitting on my feet holding onto my legs riding along like a monkey and 6 year old is standing by my side asking me to open her DVD she got for Christmas. I laugh thinking even if BirthMom could see what was happening in our house, she would still pester the shit out of me.
She calls to let me know she made it to the hospital. She is in the ER but there is a long wait. She's "just letting me know" but says it like she is expecting me to come get her when she is done.
4:39 PM she calls from her neighbors phone, again. Still at Health Dept getting birth certificate for adoption.
3:52 PM calls from neighbors phone, but I'm at the Health Dept so don't answer.
3:01 PM sends a text message from neighbors phone. Can't get in touch with SW, can't get ride to Post Office, "or nothing"
2:57 PM she calls from her neighbors phone saying she still needs a ride to the hospital.
2:19 PM calls again complaining, crying, hinting, begging. I tell her to let me get off the phone and think about what we might can do for her without looking like we are bribing them or buying them off. Go talk to The Husband about what to do.
1:44 PM, sends text message from Some Other Person's phone saying she still hasn't been able to get a ride to post office to get certified letters. Assumes the letters are from CPS regarding BabyGirl.
1:41 PM calls from a phone number that I don't recognize. This is some other person she knows who allows her to use their phone. I don't answer.
10:27 AM she calls for the first time of the day. She's using someone's phone that she hasn't called me from before. We talk for 20 minutes. During this time she cries, threatens to kill herself, gets mad that I'm not helping her like the previous adoptive person did, insinuates that CPS paperwork they got in the mail says we are unfit due to abuse and neglect (it means the previous adoptive person, not us), and blatantly asks for money. Says she is in pain and needs more pain medication. I mention that she has gone through two Rx's for pain pills in 14 days, both prescriptions were for a 30 day supply, so 60 highly addictive pain pills in two weeks. She alludes to someone stealing her pills. I ask if she is taking her depokate and she says it isn't working but doesn't say if she is taking it or not. She goes on and on about needing a ride to the ER or money and a ride to a walk-in clinic and some money for kerosene because they are freezing. I ask if BirthDad can't get a job working with someone who lives in the trailer park that has a vehicle. Excuses, excuses, excuses. Not once did she ask about the kids.
Hey, at least she let us sleep in this morning.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Today
Today The Husband needed some help hanging sheet rock (we are building in our back deck to make a playroom for the kids) and we asked Shadow to help hold it while The Husband drilled screws, and Shadow said "Wow, how long have you guys been working on this?" I looked at her blankly then asked what she meant. She hadn't even realized there was a back deck. She has lived here for more than a month. You look out over the back deck while eating at the dinning room table, which we do every meal day after day week after week month after month.
She hurt The Daughter's feelings today. Then Shadow gave BabyBoy a cookie without asking permission first. And later took him into her bedroom and closed the door, when she knows this is against house rules. While getting out of the shower I thought I heard BabyGirl crying so I hurried down the hallway only to find Shadow standing over BabyGirl's bassinet. When Shadow saw me she backed away and then I went to pick BabyGirl up and there was a blanket over her face. I confronted her and she claimed to have been looking for the pacifier. While we were eating lunch she brought me her Twilight books that were from Santa and asked me to write to her from me in the inside cover. I said "They weren't from me." and she replied "Well, Santa isn't here." The Daughter was confused and so I told Shadow to go to her room. I can't explain it, but she does little things that are sneaky and mean.
I started vomiting on Christmas Eve and spent Christmas Day fighting off the phenergen induced sleep. Today I feel better. BabyGirl has had diarrhea for two days. The Husband has yet to get her on our insurance. She's almost two weeks old! I think I'll just take her to the doc on Monday and pay out of pocket. The Daughter seems to have a cold or strep or something again.
And BirthMom called to let me know her head is hurting and the medication isn't working and they ran out of kerosene at 2pm and they are freezing. She didn't ask about the kids. She did hint that she needed a ride to the post office and the doctor and the store. She also said a friend of a friend of a SW said none of her kids should have ever been taken from her and that she should fight it. That her case should have been transferred to whatever county she requested. And she got "some kind of official papers" from CPS saying their previous placement wasn't fit due to abuse and neglect that was founded and she thought that meant us (it was previous adoptive person, not us). It's all a little dance ... hint for what you want, if it is denied then hint at allegations and/or threats, then follow up with complaints and more hinting. I'm sorry but their first kid was picked up 8 years ago. Two years ago when I met them they were saying "When we get back on our feet, we will _______". It's been two years and they are using the same line. At the 72 hour hearing they failed drug tests. It has been 8 years. Get it together already. I am not personally responsible for your upkeep and supporting your habits. Sure, I wanted to be able to help my kid's birth parents but enough is enough. I'm done.
The kids have been playing with all the Christmas presents. Since it's so cold outside, they've been riding bikes up and down the hallway and around the coffee table in the living room. I'm ready for the playroom to be completed.
The Aftermath
Let's just say bringing BabyGirl home didn't exactly get the welcoming that I thought it would. My dad said "You're fucking up." My Mom said "We are worried you are biting off more than you can chew." The Husband said "You were already stressed and now this." And everyone else seems to expect me to keep on going full steam as if I'm not taking care of a newborn.
The Birth Parents call on average 4 times per day. They want minute by minute updates, mostly on BabyGirl not so much on BabyBoy. They hint for money (i've given $$$ twice and transported them 4 times and bought groceries once). They talk about me adopting them as adults. They tell me that their friends think I'm hot. The Birth Dad goes on to say he thinks I'm hot. He calls me his BabyMama. Says next time he'll just skip Birth Mom and come to me. He has started kissing me on the cheek when we depart. When I attempt to assert some boundaries, they freak out and think something is wrong or that I'm mad.
Birth Mom had some complications and had to go back into the hospital (she was in pain, needed another Rx for more pain meds). They called me saying they didn't have any money, clothes, toiletries, or food and needed me to bring them stuff plus take them home afterwards (and i did). I tried to explain that I have 4 kids and a long ass list of tasks to get accomplished ASAP and I couldn't just drag the kids out into the freezing cold to drive an hour one way to the hospital, entertain the kids during the wait, and then drive the Birth Parents home and back an hour's drive to our home again. Birth Mom was admitted, kept overnight, and I picked them up the next day. Took them to pharmacy, etc. rinse & repeat.
Christmas Eve we went to pick up the Birth Parents and do a visit with them. We went to look at christmas lights. Gave them gifts, then took them back home. All these visits are of our own accord. Not court ordered or anything like that. Don't judge too harshly. I want the kids to have a relationship with their Birth Parents, but I also need some space. I'm just venting.
You know what I was doing when they first called asking me to come to the hospital? I was at my parents house wrapping presents for my mom and addressing her christmas cards. She was too busy getting ready to go deer hunting. And by the way, would I also bring dessert to the christmas eve thing and some other dessert to the christmas day thing. And if we want turkey I should cook and bring that as well. And it didn't matter that I had all 4 kids with me and a ton of places to be ... she needed help and I was expected to be there.
That same day the foster parent association president called to say she wanted to get a last minute newsletter out for the month of December. We don't normally do one this month. The secretary couldn't be bothered, of course. The president was too busy cleaning. The treasurer's computer was messed up. So it came down to me. Only at 10pm I finally got to sit down and type something up. Then I had to hand address 90+ envelopes, buy stamps for them, and drive to the post office (with 4 kids in tow) to mail them off.
I had to pull BabyBoy out of daycare. He only went two days a week while I volunteered, but it cost $110 per week. That was $440 per month which was actually more than the board payment. We paid for diapers, clothes, etc out of pocket plus some of the daycare cost came out of pocket as well. But I can't afford for him to continue going now. I'm not working. No more funds. Budget has to be trimmed for new additions to family.
Meanwhile I haven't taken BabyGirl to the doctor yet because we don't have papers to get her on our insurance (got them on a holiday so insurance and company HR not open). The Daughter is going to have surgery and The Husband is talking about changing jobs to one with NO INSURANCE. She needs to see the dentist really bad (adult teeth coming in, baby teeth not ready to come out). The dental insurance still hasn't paid for my routine cleaning back 6 months ago. Our bank account is bone dry. The house repairs are in a half undone state. The dishwasher door keeps sticking. The microwave door won't open. The refrigerator ice dispenser keeps clogging. The security light won't work. The phone line needs replacing. The driveway is completely washed out. The laundry is backed up. The house is cluttered and disorganized. I've not had a full nights sleep in weeks.
And Shadow is annoying the shit out of me. In one day she told The Daughter about santa not being real on 3 separate occasions. Each time I would tell her to zip it, explain why, ask her if she understood, and then sit on my hands so that I wouldn't strangle her. Seriously she would look confused, blush, smile mischievously, then act like she understood but then she would say something AGAIN. She totally freaked out when The Husband began working night shift. She said it was because she was scared to sleep without him in the house. I think it was because she was upset she couldn't falsely accuse him or us of something. She said that whole thing about all blacks looking alike, again (said Russell from survivor looked like guy from twilight movies). She went on to make fun of gays (i said "I would appreciate it if you could watch what you say. You are offending me. I'm bisexual."). I'll probably go to hell for saying this, or at the very least get Worst Foster Parent of the Year Award, but I think I might slightly dislike her.
If I share even a small snippet of my struggle with anyone, they start the whole "I told you so" line.
A long time ago I was sitting on the couch watching the kids play with The Husband and a girl baby name came to me. It wasn't something we had discussed before. Right then and there I knew we would have a baby girl. I took clomid again. We went at it like rabbits. I didn't get pregnant. Then I got a feeling that maybe we were supposed to adopt this girl with the name that just came to me. When BabyBoy's Birth Parents got pregnant again I thought maybe this was her. The whole time I was sure she was pregnant with a girl. I felt at ease about the whole situation because I felt this baby girl was to join our family. And sure enough Birth Parents had a girl and she joined our family and I could not be happier that she did.
This post is scattered, can you tell? LOL
Not one person IRL has said "Congratulations". Not one person has said "What can I do to help?" Instead they ask if the other kids are jealous. They ask if I can handle all these kids by myself.
BabyBoy is jealous, yes. Mostly because he doesn't want to let go of his bottles. The Daughter is too. She can't stand for me to pay attention to anyone else for even a second. This is normal. It shall pass. We will find a new normal. A new routine. We'll be working efficiently again in the near future. Be happy for us. Celebrate with us.
Adoption petitions are filed on both kids!
In one week we went from having one permanent kid to having three permanent kids. And you know what? I'm not done.
The Birth Parents call on average 4 times per day. They want minute by minute updates, mostly on BabyGirl not so much on BabyBoy. They hint for money (i've given $$$ twice and transported them 4 times and bought groceries once). They talk about me adopting them as adults. They tell me that their friends think I'm hot. The Birth Dad goes on to say he thinks I'm hot. He calls me his BabyMama. Says next time he'll just skip Birth Mom and come to me. He has started kissing me on the cheek when we depart. When I attempt to assert some boundaries, they freak out and think something is wrong or that I'm mad.
Birth Mom had some complications and had to go back into the hospital (she was in pain, needed another Rx for more pain meds). They called me saying they didn't have any money, clothes, toiletries, or food and needed me to bring them stuff plus take them home afterwards (and i did). I tried to explain that I have 4 kids and a long ass list of tasks to get accomplished ASAP and I couldn't just drag the kids out into the freezing cold to drive an hour one way to the hospital, entertain the kids during the wait, and then drive the Birth Parents home and back an hour's drive to our home again. Birth Mom was admitted, kept overnight, and I picked them up the next day. Took them to pharmacy, etc. rinse & repeat.
Christmas Eve we went to pick up the Birth Parents and do a visit with them. We went to look at christmas lights. Gave them gifts, then took them back home. All these visits are of our own accord. Not court ordered or anything like that. Don't judge too harshly. I want the kids to have a relationship with their Birth Parents, but I also need some space. I'm just venting.
You know what I was doing when they first called asking me to come to the hospital? I was at my parents house wrapping presents for my mom and addressing her christmas cards. She was too busy getting ready to go deer hunting. And by the way, would I also bring dessert to the christmas eve thing and some other dessert to the christmas day thing. And if we want turkey I should cook and bring that as well. And it didn't matter that I had all 4 kids with me and a ton of places to be ... she needed help and I was expected to be there.
That same day the foster parent association president called to say she wanted to get a last minute newsletter out for the month of December. We don't normally do one this month. The secretary couldn't be bothered, of course. The president was too busy cleaning. The treasurer's computer was messed up. So it came down to me. Only at 10pm I finally got to sit down and type something up. Then I had to hand address 90+ envelopes, buy stamps for them, and drive to the post office (with 4 kids in tow) to mail them off.
I had to pull BabyBoy out of daycare. He only went two days a week while I volunteered, but it cost $110 per week. That was $440 per month which was actually more than the board payment. We paid for diapers, clothes, etc out of pocket plus some of the daycare cost came out of pocket as well. But I can't afford for him to continue going now. I'm not working. No more funds. Budget has to be trimmed for new additions to family.
Meanwhile I haven't taken BabyGirl to the doctor yet because we don't have papers to get her on our insurance (got them on a holiday so insurance and company HR not open). The Daughter is going to have surgery and The Husband is talking about changing jobs to one with NO INSURANCE. She needs to see the dentist really bad (adult teeth coming in, baby teeth not ready to come out). The dental insurance still hasn't paid for my routine cleaning back 6 months ago. Our bank account is bone dry. The house repairs are in a half undone state. The dishwasher door keeps sticking. The microwave door won't open. The refrigerator ice dispenser keeps clogging. The security light won't work. The phone line needs replacing. The driveway is completely washed out. The laundry is backed up. The house is cluttered and disorganized. I've not had a full nights sleep in weeks.
And Shadow is annoying the shit out of me. In one day she told The Daughter about santa not being real on 3 separate occasions. Each time I would tell her to zip it, explain why, ask her if she understood, and then sit on my hands so that I wouldn't strangle her. Seriously she would look confused, blush, smile mischievously, then act like she understood but then she would say something AGAIN. She totally freaked out when The Husband began working night shift. She said it was because she was scared to sleep without him in the house. I think it was because she was upset she couldn't falsely accuse him or us of something. She said that whole thing about all blacks looking alike, again (said Russell from survivor looked like guy from twilight movies). She went on to make fun of gays (i said "I would appreciate it if you could watch what you say. You are offending me. I'm bisexual."). I'll probably go to hell for saying this, or at the very least get Worst Foster Parent of the Year Award, but I think I might slightly dislike her.
If I share even a small snippet of my struggle with anyone, they start the whole "I told you so" line.
A long time ago I was sitting on the couch watching the kids play with The Husband and a girl baby name came to me. It wasn't something we had discussed before. Right then and there I knew we would have a baby girl. I took clomid again. We went at it like rabbits. I didn't get pregnant. Then I got a feeling that maybe we were supposed to adopt this girl with the name that just came to me. When BabyBoy's Birth Parents got pregnant again I thought maybe this was her. The whole time I was sure she was pregnant with a girl. I felt at ease about the whole situation because I felt this baby girl was to join our family. And sure enough Birth Parents had a girl and she joined our family and I could not be happier that she did.
This post is scattered, can you tell? LOL
Not one person IRL has said "Congratulations". Not one person has said "What can I do to help?" Instead they ask if the other kids are jealous. They ask if I can handle all these kids by myself.
BabyBoy is jealous, yes. Mostly because he doesn't want to let go of his bottles. The Daughter is too. She can't stand for me to pay attention to anyone else for even a second. This is normal. It shall pass. We will find a new normal. A new routine. We'll be working efficiently again in the near future. Be happy for us. Celebrate with us.
Adoption petitions are filed on both kids!
In one week we went from having one permanent kid to having three permanent kids. And you know what? I'm not done.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
The Hearing & The Visit
Things have been hectic around our house lately, what with The Husband's work schedule, our home repairs, the kid's activities, holiday events, and then this whole thing with BabyBoy's sibling. I was nervous about the 72 hour hearing but kept reminding myself that either way the baby was with us for now. The hearing went fine and the lawyer is doing his thing to get things taken care of in a timely manner.
Birth Parents voluntarily signed over legal custody to us thereby preventing the new baby from being in foster care. CPS withdrew their legal stuff meaning they have no control over this situation at all.
The previous adoptive mom left the Birth Parents at the court house (i should mention that her unsuitability was due to sexual abuse of a minor, kidnapping, and other stuff that would have shown up on the homestudy had they even done one). She got mad while we were in court and just left them there with no way home. We had already planned to have a visit after court but I didn't want to provide transportation for them as I needed to go pick up BabyBoy from daycare and didn't want them seeing where he was located. This is because they have a history of trying to take the kids from school. But as I was driving to the visit destination, the Birth Parents called my cell. There were going to have to walk about a mile or two in the pouring cold rain to the visit and then walk the 15 miles back to their home. I went and picked them up. We visited for a few hours where they fed BabyBoy icecream (he is lactose intolerant), gave him sweet tea out of their own cup (didn't want him drinking after anyone - and no sugar and caffeine!), repeatedly tried to get BB to call them Mom and Dad, and again walked out of my sight while holding the kids. Then they needed a ride home, of course.
I knew they didn't have electricity but I was not prepared for the living conditions. No heat, no water, no electricity, no food, etc. The trailer is rusted and dilapidated and has no installation or underpinning. On the way there, they saw someone driving a big truck, said it was Birth Dad's uncle and wanted me to stop and show him the kids. Asked for me to stop by two places where they used to work to show them the kids. Then wanted to take the kids into another trailer where one of their friends lived to show them the kids. I said no to all accounts but let their friend come out and see the kids inside the vehicle. While their friend was with BirthMom looking at the new baby, BirthDad took the bottle of Rx pain pills that BirthMom got for having a baby and sold them to some guy WITH ME RIGHT THERE. They proceeded to hint for money and have called about 4 times per day since, each time hinting for money. They also talk about moving to our road. The hospital nurse wasn't careful when she got my DL and wrote down my info ... Birth Dad read it and now knows where we live. He has a history of hiding in the bushes at the other kid's home and trying to abduct them. He also has a history of physically assaulting the other foster/adoptive mom that has the first 4 kids. He also has a history of shooting at SWs, doing drugs, and domestic violence. I'm all for monthly visits at a neutral location, but I do NOT want them living within walking distance of our home. Our safe place.
So we have legal guardianship of the new baby and BabyBoy's adoptive placement meeting isset for next week done and there is talk of doing both adoptions at the same time. I can't believe something good is actually happening. I keep expecting something to go wrong or something bad to happen like it usually does. I'm holding my breath, crossing my fingers, and calling in favors in hopes things continue to go forward in a positive, smooth, quick manner. Then, I'm considering the possibility of no longer fostering.
Birth Parents voluntarily signed over legal custody to us thereby preventing the new baby from being in foster care. CPS withdrew their legal stuff meaning they have no control over this situation at all.
The previous adoptive mom left the Birth Parents at the court house (i should mention that her unsuitability was due to sexual abuse of a minor, kidnapping, and other stuff that would have shown up on the homestudy had they even done one). She got mad while we were in court and just left them there with no way home. We had already planned to have a visit after court but I didn't want to provide transportation for them as I needed to go pick up BabyBoy from daycare and didn't want them seeing where he was located. This is because they have a history of trying to take the kids from school. But as I was driving to the visit destination, the Birth Parents called my cell. There were going to have to walk about a mile or two in the pouring cold rain to the visit and then walk the 15 miles back to their home. I went and picked them up. We visited for a few hours where they fed BabyBoy icecream (he is lactose intolerant), gave him sweet tea out of their own cup (didn't want him drinking after anyone - and no sugar and caffeine!), repeatedly tried to get BB to call them Mom and Dad, and again walked out of my sight while holding the kids. Then they needed a ride home, of course.
I knew they didn't have electricity but I was not prepared for the living conditions. No heat, no water, no electricity, no food, etc. The trailer is rusted and dilapidated and has no installation or underpinning. On the way there, they saw someone driving a big truck, said it was Birth Dad's uncle and wanted me to stop and show him the kids. Asked for me to stop by two places where they used to work to show them the kids. Then wanted to take the kids into another trailer where one of their friends lived to show them the kids. I said no to all accounts but let their friend come out and see the kids inside the vehicle. While their friend was with BirthMom looking at the new baby, BirthDad took the bottle of Rx pain pills that BirthMom got for having a baby and sold them to some guy WITH ME RIGHT THERE. They proceeded to hint for money and have called about 4 times per day since, each time hinting for money. They also talk about moving to our road. The hospital nurse wasn't careful when she got my DL and wrote down my info ... Birth Dad read it and now knows where we live. He has a history of hiding in the bushes at the other kid's home and trying to abduct them. He also has a history of physically assaulting the other foster/adoptive mom that has the first 4 kids. He also has a history of shooting at SWs, doing drugs, and domestic violence. I'm all for monthly visits at a neutral location, but I do NOT want them living within walking distance of our home. Our safe place.
So we have legal guardianship of the new baby and BabyBoy's adoptive placement meeting is
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
The Days of Our Lives
The next morning I began calling the hospital in order to have a plant or balloon or something sent to BirthMom's room only they didn't have enough volunteers and kept telling me to call back in an hour. I wanted to get something positive to the BirthMom before she got the bad news. Several attempts later and the SW called to tell me the Birth Parents had been notified that the adoptive mom was not a sufficient placement and that the baby would be going into foster care. I hung up the phone and got in the shower for this day was the one where The Daughter was to go far away to a doctor that might be taking her tonsils and adenoids out. With one leg shaved and the other furry, I got out of the shower to answer the phone. It was the Birth Parents asking me to take the new baby in foster care. They said the SW told them that they could work a plan and get her back. I told them what the SW had just told me which was they would ask for No Reasonable Efforts just like with BabyBoy and would seek TPR ASAP. We discussed private adoption. I let them know that I was to be at the hospital at 7pm the next day to take the baby home.
But first I had to drop some papers off at CPS regarding BabyBoy's adoption. That's when I found out that our placement meeting was canceled. They were vague about scheduling another meeting. They said they were "uncomfortable" going forward without all of BabyBoy's medical records. You know, records they said they had months ago. I went to the pediatrician and retrieved the medical records for them. They also said the new baby could be adopted right away, then reneged and said she would have to be in foster care for 3 months AND we would have to be reassessed to see if we could handle all of the kids. When I asked if we could privately adopt her, they encouraged me to get a board payment on her and get the zero subsidy like BabyBoy is getting. And the final blow, they said they would refuse to let us use our homestudy through CPS in order to adopt the new baby. Oh, and by the way, if I couldn't get to the hospital in just a few hours to pick up the new baby, they'd have to "make other arrangements". It all felt ... sketchy.
So I lawyered up.
Wait, let me back track a little. While I was waiting to see the lady who needed the paperwork, the CPS Director saw me and began trying to convince me to become the Foster Parent Association President. You know the drill, they tell you wonderful positive things about yourself in order totrick talk you into doing something that you don't want to do. And I used that opportunity to let him know that apparently The Women In Charge didn't feel the same way about me as he does. This lead to me filling him in on our situation. I kind of implied that he would be more likely to get me to do what he wanted (be president) if he were to do what I wanted (make BabyBoy's adoption happen without any further delays as it's been 1 year since TPR).
Then I went home and called the lawyer whose open house Christmas party I recently attended on behalf of the Foster Parent Association. The party where I drank too much "naughty punch" and hobnobbed with all the judges, business owners, lawyers, GAL's, directors of organizations, law enforcement, and politicians in this county. Turns out all this thankless volunteering finally paid off. Within 4 hours the lawyer met me at the hospital with paperwork and had already done the politics dance with both CPS SW's and lawyers and the adoptive mom's lawyer. The BirthParents signed a revocation of the Pre Birth Consent and took home papers about legal guardianship. And I took home the new baby via CPS pickup order.
I'm leaving out all the drama about the BirthParent's not having a ride home. Hospital SW not allowing us to leave together thereby preventing me from taking them home. CPS threatening me by saying if I took them home it would be endangering both me and the baby. The rent a cop who couldn't hurt anything but a skeeter he was so skinny but escorted me and baby out of the building for our safety. Taking The Daughter to visit the new baby and her crying saying how sad it was that the Birth Parents were loosing their baby. Having BirthDad take The Daughter and BabyBoy out of my sight to get vending machine food and how unbelievably freaking nervous that made me.
But first I had to drop some papers off at CPS regarding BabyBoy's adoption. That's when I found out that our placement meeting was canceled. They were vague about scheduling another meeting. They said they were "uncomfortable" going forward without all of BabyBoy's medical records. You know, records they said they had months ago. I went to the pediatrician and retrieved the medical records for them. They also said the new baby could be adopted right away, then reneged and said she would have to be in foster care for 3 months AND we would have to be reassessed to see if we could handle all of the kids. When I asked if we could privately adopt her, they encouraged me to get a board payment on her and get the zero subsidy like BabyBoy is getting. And the final blow, they said they would refuse to let us use our homestudy through CPS in order to adopt the new baby. Oh, and by the way, if I couldn't get to the hospital in just a few hours to pick up the new baby, they'd have to "make other arrangements". It all felt ... sketchy.
So I lawyered up.
Wait, let me back track a little. While I was waiting to see the lady who needed the paperwork, the CPS Director saw me and began trying to convince me to become the Foster Parent Association President. You know the drill, they tell you wonderful positive things about yourself in order to
Then I went home and called the lawyer whose open house Christmas party I recently attended on behalf of the Foster Parent Association. The party where I drank too much "naughty punch" and hobnobbed with all the judges, business owners, lawyers, GAL's, directors of organizations, law enforcement, and politicians in this county. Turns out all this thankless volunteering finally paid off. Within 4 hours the lawyer met me at the hospital with paperwork and had already done the politics dance with both CPS SW's and lawyers and the adoptive mom's lawyer. The BirthParents signed a revocation of the Pre Birth Consent and took home papers about legal guardianship. And I took home the new baby via CPS pickup order.
I'm leaving out all the drama about the BirthParent's not having a ride home. Hospital SW not allowing us to leave together thereby preventing me from taking them home. CPS threatening me by saying if I took them home it would be endangering both me and the baby. The rent a cop who couldn't hurt anything but a skeeter he was so skinny but escorted me and baby out of the building for our safety. Taking The Daughter to visit the new baby and her crying saying how sad it was that the Birth Parents were loosing their baby. Having BirthDad take The Daughter and BabyBoy out of my sight to get vending machine food and how unbelievably freaking nervous that made me.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The Birth
Not wanting to show up to the hospital empty handed, I stopped by Target to pick up a few things. After seemingly forever, I decided on a pack of onsies, a pack of socks, a pack of hairbows, two disposable cameras, and some chocolate for BirthMom. It was a good thing too because they hadn't brought any clothes for the baby. They hadn't even thought about what she might wear going home. When BabyBoy and I arrived, BirthMom had been in labor for 7 hours which was atypical for her, and it seemed we were in for a long wait. I had to start calling to arrange afterschool care of the other kids since The Husband's work schedule lately is 12 hour shifts 7 days a week. Meanwhile BabyBoy ran right to BirthDad like he had been with him every day.
There was a level of awkwardness in the room that I can't sufficiently explain.
BirthMom was in pain because her epidural was wearing off. BirthDad was taking BabyBoy out of the room and out of my sight, without asking my permission. Adoptive Mom and her adult daughter were sizing me up. I was trying not to reveal what I knew, but not lie if asked specific questions. And the hours slowly crept by. With every contraction BirthMom had, the baby's heart beat dropped significantly. Sometimes below 60 bpm. It was enough to make nurses run in and check the tape. This went on for hours. Finally they helped clear the way for the baby and as she was crowning the doctor walked in to catch her. The nurses really do all the work. It was amazing to witness a birth but it was odd to be staring at another woman's VaJayJay while being embraced by the adoptive mom and chasing down BabyBoy. At one point BB walked right up to BirthMom's lady town area arranged in stirrups and just stared. I had to get close in order to get him. Let's just say we all bonded that day.
When the baby came out she was blue and silent. The Birth Parents didn't seem the least bit concerned. Everyone was snapping photographs and saying congratulations while I was huddled next to the nurse with the baby going "breathe, breathe, breathe come on BREATHE". Nurse 1 called to Nurse 2 to try and find a heart beat. They were professional but obviously concerned. Then they started CPR. The doctor asked if he needed to call NICU (he was delivering the afterbirth). I kept thinking too much time was passing without her breathing. During the months leading up to this moment I had envisioned several different scenarios of how this whole thing might go down, but never did I imagine the baby might die.
Finally, she turned pink and Nurse 2 left Nurse 1 to clean up and take care of eye drops and such. I felt a sense of relief and then anger. I became furious at BirthMom for not seeking medical care throughout her pregnancy. For not eating properly. For smoking cigarettes the whole time. For drinking "just a little vodka" in her orange juice "on occasion". For taking pain pills. For inducing three whole weeks before her due date just because she didn't want to tear. For having 6 babies knowing she can't take care of any of them. For refusing birth control after having this one, saying naively that they might get to keep the next one. And so I took BabyBoy and we went home.
There was a level of awkwardness in the room that I can't sufficiently explain.
BirthMom was in pain because her epidural was wearing off. BirthDad was taking BabyBoy out of the room and out of my sight, without asking my permission. Adoptive Mom and her adult daughter were sizing me up. I was trying not to reveal what I knew, but not lie if asked specific questions. And the hours slowly crept by. With every contraction BirthMom had, the baby's heart beat dropped significantly. Sometimes below 60 bpm. It was enough to make nurses run in and check the tape. This went on for hours. Finally they helped clear the way for the baby and as she was crowning the doctor walked in to catch her. The nurses really do all the work. It was amazing to witness a birth but it was odd to be staring at another woman's VaJayJay while being embraced by the adoptive mom and chasing down BabyBoy. At one point BB walked right up to BirthMom's lady town area arranged in stirrups and just stared. I had to get close in order to get him. Let's just say we all bonded that day.
When the baby came out she was blue and silent. The Birth Parents didn't seem the least bit concerned. Everyone was snapping photographs and saying congratulations while I was huddled next to the nurse with the baby going "breathe, breathe, breathe come on BREATHE". Nurse 1 called to Nurse 2 to try and find a heart beat. They were professional but obviously concerned. Then they started CPR. The doctor asked if he needed to call NICU (he was delivering the afterbirth). I kept thinking too much time was passing without her breathing. During the months leading up to this moment I had envisioned several different scenarios of how this whole thing might go down, but never did I imagine the baby might die.
Finally, she turned pink and Nurse 2 left Nurse 1 to clean up and take care of eye drops and such. I felt a sense of relief and then anger. I became furious at BirthMom for not seeking medical care throughout her pregnancy. For not eating properly. For smoking cigarettes the whole time. For drinking "just a little vodka" in her orange juice "on occasion". For taking pain pills. For inducing three whole weeks before her due date just because she didn't want to tear. For having 6 babies knowing she can't take care of any of them. For refusing birth control after having this one, saying naively that they might get to keep the next one. And so I took BabyBoy and we went home.
Monday, December 21, 2009
The Dilemma
Being a Mandatory Reporter means I have to call and report things, but my distrust of CPS and the system in general make me not want to call and report things. Enter internal conflict. This is what I was struggling with sitting there on the side of the road after the phone call with BabyBoy's BirthMom.
I already knew they had issued a pickup order. They had already been in contact with the hospital SW and everything. But they had also told me that the Birth Parents would be allowed to safety plan and/or privately adopt without CPS intervention and since they had already found an adoptive placement then it was all a moot point. Right?
I had to make sure I could take BabyBoy to the hospital for the birth. If I took him and CPS did a pickup while I was there, I may have gotten into trouble or worse had BabyBoy picked up too. There is a legal document that states BabyBoy's birth parents are not to have visits and whatnot and since BB is still in foster care I have to go by their crap. So I called his worker to get it approved and let her know they had found someone to adopt and not to worry.
And then I juggled and canceled stuff and rescheduled appointments and jumped through hoops to arrange for BabyBoy to see his sibling be born.
Then BB's worker called me back. She found out that the Birth Parents did a Pre Birth Consent, which can be revoked, and CPS felt the Birth Parents were intending to revoke it and leave the state which would leave them with custody of their newest child. Also, the person they chose was one of the ones who had contacted CPS before. She was the one who had 5 counts of somethingorother against her. Meaning CPS put the pick up order back into effect due to the adoptive person's potential to place the new baby in danger. And, by the way, would we be willing to foster the new baby?
I already knew they had issued a pickup order. They had already been in contact with the hospital SW and everything. But they had also told me that the Birth Parents would be allowed to safety plan and/or privately adopt without CPS intervention and since they had already found an adoptive placement then it was all a moot point. Right?
I had to make sure I could take BabyBoy to the hospital for the birth. If I took him and CPS did a pickup while I was there, I may have gotten into trouble or worse had BabyBoy picked up too. There is a legal document that states BabyBoy's birth parents are not to have visits and whatnot and since BB is still in foster care I have to go by their crap. So I called his worker to get it approved and let her know they had found someone to adopt and not to worry.
And then I juggled and canceled stuff and rescheduled appointments and jumped through hoops to arrange for BabyBoy to see his sibling be born.
Then BB's worker called me back. She found out that the Birth Parents did a Pre Birth Consent, which can be revoked, and CPS felt the Birth Parents were intending to revoke it and leave the state which would leave them with custody of their newest child. Also, the person they chose was one of the ones who had contacted CPS before. She was the one who had 5 counts of somethingorother against her. Meaning CPS put the pick up order back into effect due to the adoptive person's potential to place the new baby in danger. And, by the way, would we be willing to foster the new baby?
The Phone Call
In my pursuit of BabyBoy's birth parents, I contacted their last known places of employment. BirthMom's places of employment really as BirthDad doesn't really work. Sure, he's going to go back to work as soon as _____ fill in the blank. So this one place I went into and left a picture of BabyBoy along with my cell phone number. The people there said they had "no idea how to contact" BirthMom as she had quit "months ago". The way they looked and acted let me know otherwise, but when more time passed I began to wonder if maybe they weren't telling the truth afterall. Then one afternoon during possibly the busiest week of the holiday season I got a phone call. BirthMom had been meaning to go by and pick up the picture of BabyBoy that THEY HAD CALLED AND TOLD HER ABOUT and she had just got it and called me right away. See, she was getting ready to head to the hospital in order to be induced the following day.
I think I may have held my breath too long as I didn't know what to say to that.
The baby wasn't due until January. BirthMom continues to have her babies weeks early, all by induction, and they come out tiny and struggling. But I knew she didn't want a lecture on leaving her buns in the oven until proper baking time. Instead I said congratulations.
Somehow we moved on to talking about the adoptive mom and how they knew her and how that whole thing was going. I admit to being sad when BirthMom told me they had already "done the adoption" but felt better when she assured me that the adoptive mom wanted the new baby and BabyBoy to know one another. Selfishly I asked if they had considered me and they both replied that they had but didn't know how to contact me. They claimed to have asked the SW for my information, but the SW said they did not. I understood why they chose who they did once more information was revealed. They were staying with this woman and her family most of the time as they didn't have electricity, water, heat, a stove or refrigerator, nor a washer and dryer at their own place. They didn't have income or transportation and didn't get signed up for WIC or any other assistance. They expected to get to see the baby on a near daily basis. So, sitting there on the side of the road at the edge of the Staples parking lot, I made my peace with it.
Before we hung up, BirthMom invited me to bring BabyBoy to the birth of his sibling. I jumped at the chance to be there. I could already envision pictures of BabyBoy with his new baby sister and their Birth Parents. Is it a normal family portrait? No, but it was a picture I wanted for his baby book nonetheless.
But before we could go to the hospital, there was one call I had to make for I knew something that the birth parents did not.
I think I may have held my breath too long as I didn't know what to say to that.
The baby wasn't due until January. BirthMom continues to have her babies weeks early, all by induction, and they come out tiny and struggling. But I knew she didn't want a lecture on leaving her buns in the oven until proper baking time. Instead I said congratulations.
Somehow we moved on to talking about the adoptive mom and how they knew her and how that whole thing was going. I admit to being sad when BirthMom told me they had already "done the adoption" but felt better when she assured me that the adoptive mom wanted the new baby and BabyBoy to know one another. Selfishly I asked if they had considered me and they both replied that they had but didn't know how to contact me. They claimed to have asked the SW for my information, but the SW said they did not. I understood why they chose who they did once more information was revealed. They were staying with this woman and her family most of the time as they didn't have electricity, water, heat, a stove or refrigerator, nor a washer and dryer at their own place. They didn't have income or transportation and didn't get signed up for WIC or any other assistance. They expected to get to see the baby on a near daily basis. So, sitting there on the side of the road at the edge of the Staples parking lot, I made my peace with it.
Before we hung up, BirthMom invited me to bring BabyBoy to the birth of his sibling. I jumped at the chance to be there. I could already envision pictures of BabyBoy with his new baby sister and their Birth Parents. Is it a normal family portrait? No, but it was a picture I wanted for his baby book nonetheless.
But before we could go to the hospital, there was one call I had to make for I knew something that the birth parents did not.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Breaking News
BirthMom called. She is having the baby in the morning. It's a girl, just as I thought. From there it gets complicated. I'll have to tell that story later.
Monday, December 14, 2009
The Week In Review
Shadow is ... Shadow, though less shadowy. She defies me in small subtle ways. Like, she will do her chore (with TONS of reminders by me) which is vacuuming, but she won't empty the canister. Or she will empty it but not take it apart to wash it so I'll find it sitting beside the sink with wet hairy gunk all over it. Meanwhile every time we are around another foster parent, she is their BFF. Can't get enough of them. They are the greatest mom EVAR. At an event recently, she hung out with an 11 year old. Shadow kept saying "I can't believe I look just like Swimmer* and she is only 11!" and I wanted to say "I can't believe you act just like Swimmer* who is ONLY 11!"
Shadow and I had a talk where I told her that she needs testing. She thought it was so bizarre that I could read her so well as to notice that she focuses on a guy and obsesses to a stalkerish level. She obsesses about getting tested now and whatever I said 5 minutes ago. She thinks The Husband and I are hilarious together and goes way WAY out of her way to let us know this. She is mean to The Daughter. She is weird to BabyBoy. She has begun to show serious signs of the sneaky ... which is actually more age appropriate than almost anything else she had done. So, yay.
Another foster parent who substitutes at Shadows school has been asking Shadow to come live with her. She also used to work at the place where Shadow received counseling (she will be going somewhere new now) and has been telling Shadow information that the counselor gave the foster parent about Shadow. Hello, break of confidentiality rules! This is the same foster parent who said our 2nd teenager got pregnant while living here. Although she didn't get pregnant here, nor after, and still has never been pregnant. But CPS won't do anything about this foster parent because her relative is a SW. And her husband is a detective. And they go to a popular church. Meaning, she can make up shit and spread rumors and not a damn thing will be done about it. Instead everyone will think she is a saint who shits fairy dust. Also, she told Shadow about the stuff that happened concerning me and The Husband and BabyBoy ... stuff that this foster parent should NEVER have known about ... and had NO BUSINESS telling our new foster kid.
In other news, I've been busting my ass doing foster parent association stuff and not a damn soul has noticed. People assume it's someone else doing all the work. The last two meetings have had only 3 or 4 people show up. I spent 2 hours calling all foster parents about the Christmas party and sent it out in the newsletter and emailed it and put it on our website and yet still they didn't RSVP. My sister and I spent 4 hours decorating for the party and putting up our own trees for the Santa picture backdrop and then I made a Christmas song CD and bought gifts for 36 kids. My sister and I spent another 2+ hours wrapping said gifts and labeling them by age and family since we weren't allowed to have their names or something. And yet other foster parents think I'm too young to be the VP or too inexperienced or too rude or whatever. They apparently don't think I'm capable of doing all the shit I've been doing.
The association president is stepping down. She wants me to move up. I said no. I already plan the meetings, get guest speakers, order the food, buy the drinks and plates and such, clean up afterwards, ensure that childcare is provided, and run the meetings when the president can't be there. Oh, and run our website. But I also have been taking minutes, writing the newsletter, and sending thank you cards because our 1st secretary quit and the 2nd one doesn't do her job. But I'm the last to hear information. They make decisions without including me. I hear about them going out to dinner after the fact (though they did invite me on a couple of occasions and I had a blast). And I walked up on the secretary talking about me at the christmas party. I'm done. My term ends in May and then I'll just be a regular ole foster parent who doesn't get involved in the association.
The adoption is supposedly going forward yet we've not heard from BabyBoy's worker. I've called and emailed. She still hasn't gotten his daycare assistance taken care of from back in August when I was working.
Update on this - "placement meeting" supposedly happening soon. BabyBoy's worker finally got the daycare assistance submitted but did it starting Dec 1st instead of back in August when I was working, so guess what? They won't go back and pay. She is such a blankety blank blank.
Another worker told me that we aren't going to get BabyBoy's sibling. This is the same one who warned me that BB's worker was on her way to remove him from before and that allowed me enough time to figure out how to stop it all. She said normally they place a baby with its sibling but every situation can be treated differently according to politics and other stuff. Basically CPS is hand picking who they want to adopt BabyBoy's sibling.
The kids have colds.
Update on this - The Daughter had Strep with vomit. Three doctor visits, one shot, and a bunch of exhaustion later she is still sick. She missed 4 of the 5 days of school. Last year she had Strep 3 separate times in October, 3 times in November, 1 in December, 1 in January, and 1 in April. Each time we would have to do two separate antibiotics. Each time I would have to bug the shit out of the doctor to get The Daugher well. She missed an insane amount of school last year. This time the doctor thought a shot would do the trick. Mom doesn't have her MD so what the fuck does she know? The shot didn't do the trick. We're going to a pediatric ENT way far away at a special hospital this week. She has to miss more school just before the big holiday break. The Daughter gets to fall further behind her peers again this year. Why? Because doctor's won't fucking listen to me.
I went way over budget on Christmas gifts. Still no job. Volunteering has even been cut short due to kid's being sick.
I may not make it through Christmas Break without using respite days for Shadow (and I've never used respite before). I think about disrupting almost every day. She went to a friend's house one day last week because I had a dog and pony foster parent thing to attend and didn't want to leave Shadow home with The Husband. She came home 45 minutes past curfew. Then she didn't apologize or seem concerned in the least. I often wonder if she even has a conscience. She doesn't act anything like the previous 3 teenagers we've parented. She has decided she wants to work with polar bears after college. Why? Because the polar bear is The Husband's favorite animal. Then she said she would like to have a job like his. I told her what to study in college in order to get that job. She said she wasn't interested in that. She said she wants to go ROTC and then be in the Army and kick doors. I told her she couldn't kick doors as they don't let females do that. Closest you can get is MP. She was disappointed that she couldn't be in The Husband's old unit. Still said she was going Army until we told her that meant she couldn't just say no to deployments because they interfered with her holiday plans. So then she decided she would just wrestle alligators like they do on TV. She actually asked me what she needed to study in college in order to get a job wrestling alligators. I asked her if she would actually touch an alligator and she said "No Way!" and then I had to break the news to her that in order to wrestle an alligator, she might actually have to touch it. *Gasp* Now she has decided she will be an interior designer even though she has no clue what this consists of. She also wants to feed the animals in a zoo. That's a job she won't even do here at home. Poor kitty would starve if I didn't occasionally feed her.
We went to see the movie The Princess and the Frog at the drive inn theater and Shadow spent more time staring at The Husband than she did watching the movie. And she would CONSTANTLY say "this part coming up is my favorite part" or "this song is my favorite" or "I love this song. It's my favorite!". She also did that through the movie Old Dogs and I finally said to her "I'm sorry, have you watched this movie before?" because OMG she drives me crazy!!!!!
While I was writing this CPS called to ask why The Husband didn't sign our last financial statement. Umm, because he was in Iraq. Remember?
So back to Shadow. Her worker is back from maternity leave but has yet to make any contact with me whatsoever. The supervisor took 3 weeks to reply to an email and phone calls regarding important school related stuff. Then, they made the check out to the wrong school. Shadow was supposed to be done with the classes by Dec 18th and CPS can't even get the payment in before that date. Shadow took the Grad Exams again. Not sure if she passed. Only one more chance. She may not graduate.
Local foster parents are dropping like flies. False allegations are running rampant. CPS is dictating who can come to events and who can't even though they don't run the association. If I wasn't so committed to the kids, I don't think I could keep doing this.
*Swimmer is not this person's real name.
Shadow and I had a talk where I told her that she needs testing. She thought it was so bizarre that I could read her so well as to notice that she focuses on a guy and obsesses to a stalkerish level. She obsesses about getting tested now and whatever I said 5 minutes ago. She thinks The Husband and I are hilarious together and goes way WAY out of her way to let us know this. She is mean to The Daughter. She is weird to BabyBoy. She has begun to show serious signs of the sneaky ... which is actually more age appropriate than almost anything else she had done. So, yay.
Another foster parent who substitutes at Shadows school has been asking Shadow to come live with her. She also used to work at the place where Shadow received counseling (she will be going somewhere new now) and has been telling Shadow information that the counselor gave the foster parent about Shadow. Hello, break of confidentiality rules! This is the same foster parent who said our 2nd teenager got pregnant while living here. Although she didn't get pregnant here, nor after, and still has never been pregnant. But CPS won't do anything about this foster parent because her relative is a SW. And her husband is a detective. And they go to a popular church. Meaning, she can make up shit and spread rumors and not a damn thing will be done about it. Instead everyone will think she is a saint who shits fairy dust. Also, she told Shadow about the stuff that happened concerning me and The Husband and BabyBoy ... stuff that this foster parent should NEVER have known about ... and had NO BUSINESS telling our new foster kid.
In other news, I've been busting my ass doing foster parent association stuff and not a damn soul has noticed. People assume it's someone else doing all the work. The last two meetings have had only 3 or 4 people show up. I spent 2 hours calling all foster parents about the Christmas party and sent it out in the newsletter and emailed it and put it on our website and yet still they didn't RSVP. My sister and I spent 4 hours decorating for the party and putting up our own trees for the Santa picture backdrop and then I made a Christmas song CD and bought gifts for 36 kids. My sister and I spent another 2+ hours wrapping said gifts and labeling them by age and family since we weren't allowed to have their names or something. And yet other foster parents think I'm too young to be the VP or too inexperienced or too rude or whatever. They apparently don't think I'm capable of doing all the shit I've been doing.
The association president is stepping down. She wants me to move up. I said no. I already plan the meetings, get guest speakers, order the food, buy the drinks and plates and such, clean up afterwards, ensure that childcare is provided, and run the meetings when the president can't be there. Oh, and run our website. But I also have been taking minutes, writing the newsletter, and sending thank you cards because our 1st secretary quit and the 2nd one doesn't do her job. But I'm the last to hear information. They make decisions without including me. I hear about them going out to dinner after the fact (though they did invite me on a couple of occasions and I had a blast). And I walked up on the secretary talking about me at the christmas party. I'm done. My term ends in May and then I'll just be a regular ole foster parent who doesn't get involved in the association.
The adoption is supposedly going forward yet we've not heard from BabyBoy's worker. I've called and emailed. She still hasn't gotten his daycare assistance taken care of from back in August when I was working.
Update on this - "placement meeting" supposedly happening soon. BabyBoy's worker finally got the daycare assistance submitted but did it starting Dec 1st instead of back in August when I was working, so guess what? They won't go back and pay. She is such a blankety blank blank.
Another worker told me that we aren't going to get BabyBoy's sibling. This is the same one who warned me that BB's worker was on her way to remove him from before and that allowed me enough time to figure out how to stop it all. She said normally they place a baby with its sibling but every situation can be treated differently according to politics and other stuff. Basically CPS is hand picking who they want to adopt BabyBoy's sibling.
The kids have colds.
Update on this - The Daughter had Strep with vomit. Three doctor visits, one shot, and a bunch of exhaustion later she is still sick. She missed 4 of the 5 days of school. Last year she had Strep 3 separate times in October, 3 times in November, 1 in December, 1 in January, and 1 in April. Each time we would have to do two separate antibiotics. Each time I would have to bug the shit out of the doctor to get The Daugher well. She missed an insane amount of school last year. This time the doctor thought a shot would do the trick. Mom doesn't have her MD so what the fuck does she know? The shot didn't do the trick. We're going to a pediatric ENT way far away at a special hospital this week. She has to miss more school just before the big holiday break. The Daughter gets to fall further behind her peers again this year. Why? Because doctor's won't fucking listen to me.
I went way over budget on Christmas gifts. Still no job. Volunteering has even been cut short due to kid's being sick.
I may not make it through Christmas Break without using respite days for Shadow (and I've never used respite before). I think about disrupting almost every day. She went to a friend's house one day last week because I had a dog and pony foster parent thing to attend and didn't want to leave Shadow home with The Husband. She came home 45 minutes past curfew. Then she didn't apologize or seem concerned in the least. I often wonder if she even has a conscience. She doesn't act anything like the previous 3 teenagers we've parented. She has decided she wants to work with polar bears after college. Why? Because the polar bear is The Husband's favorite animal. Then she said she would like to have a job like his. I told her what to study in college in order to get that job. She said she wasn't interested in that. She said she wants to go ROTC and then be in the Army and kick doors. I told her she couldn't kick doors as they don't let females do that. Closest you can get is MP. She was disappointed that she couldn't be in The Husband's old unit. Still said she was going Army until we told her that meant she couldn't just say no to deployments because they interfered with her holiday plans. So then she decided she would just wrestle alligators like they do on TV. She actually asked me what she needed to study in college in order to get a job wrestling alligators. I asked her if she would actually touch an alligator and she said "No Way!" and then I had to break the news to her that in order to wrestle an alligator, she might actually have to touch it. *Gasp* Now she has decided she will be an interior designer even though she has no clue what this consists of. She also wants to feed the animals in a zoo. That's a job she won't even do here at home. Poor kitty would starve if I didn't occasionally feed her.
We went to see the movie The Princess and the Frog at the drive inn theater and Shadow spent more time staring at The Husband than she did watching the movie. And she would CONSTANTLY say "this part coming up is my favorite part" or "this song is my favorite" or "I love this song. It's my favorite!". She also did that through the movie Old Dogs and I finally said to her "I'm sorry, have you watched this movie before?" because OMG she drives me crazy!!!!!
While I was writing this CPS called to ask why The Husband didn't sign our last financial statement. Umm, because he was in Iraq. Remember?
So back to Shadow. Her worker is back from maternity leave but has yet to make any contact with me whatsoever. The supervisor took 3 weeks to reply to an email and phone calls regarding important school related stuff. Then, they made the check out to the wrong school. Shadow was supposed to be done with the classes by Dec 18th and CPS can't even get the payment in before that date. Shadow took the Grad Exams again. Not sure if she passed. Only one more chance. She may not graduate.
Local foster parents are dropping like flies. False allegations are running rampant. CPS is dictating who can come to events and who can't even though they don't run the association. If I wasn't so committed to the kids, I don't think I could keep doing this.
*Swimmer is not this person's real name.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Benda Who?
Apparently you've gotta be like 38 years old to make anything with this Bendaroo shit. Seriously, it's so hard. Fo Realz!
Come on, you know you wanna go buy some
Bendaroos
. Would make a great Christmas present ... for the grown ass man older kid in your life.
Come on, you know you wanna go buy some
Bendaroos. Would make a great Christmas present ... for the
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Blogging Anonymously, or trying to
I write the details that I do, because of perceived anonymity. I don't use real names. I don't post pictures of foster kids. I don't reveal our location. In fact I have been intentionally misleading about where we live. This is the only way I can get away with being honest about our experience fostering & adopting through the state.
When going through classes, we were told you can't even tell your friends you are a foster parent. It is supposed to be a secret. Sharing this information is a breach of confidentiality. Yet I'm sure all our friends wonder why we have a plethora of kids come and go like there is a revolving door to our lives.
In classes the SW tells you that you have to draw strength and resources from the community, but you can't reveal that you are a foster parent. That's like calling to ask for a donation for a charity but you can't reveal which charity. Nobody's going to take you seriously and you sure as shit won't get a donation. A doctor can more readily diagnose a child if they know the child's previous circumstances. If I take a kid to the therapist and say s/he is my bio kid neuro-typical and nurtured since birth but is exhibiting all kinds of behaviors, the RADs and FAEs and ODD and so on and so forth might go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed.
My point is that I feel it is important to say we are foster parents. It is important to share our story. Maybe from reading about our journey, others won't go into this whole thing being as naive as we once were. Maybe others can learn how to navigate this fucked up system, this includes birth parents. I want to help birth parents too. But I can't continue to blog here if my identity is revealed. If you know my real name, please don't post it in comments. If you know where we live, please don't share that with others. And I ask that you also not allude to our personal information on your own blog as all someone has to do is Google M4$ and your post will come up as well. Thank you for understanding.
Recently Outed but Hoping it Gets Deleted,
Mothering4Money
When going through classes, we were told you can't even tell your friends you are a foster parent. It is supposed to be a secret. Sharing this information is a breach of confidentiality. Yet I'm sure all our friends wonder why we have a plethora of kids come and go like there is a revolving door to our lives.
In classes the SW tells you that you have to draw strength and resources from the community, but you can't reveal that you are a foster parent. That's like calling to ask for a donation for a charity but you can't reveal which charity. Nobody's going to take you seriously and you sure as shit won't get a donation. A doctor can more readily diagnose a child if they know the child's previous circumstances. If I take a kid to the therapist and say s/he is my bio kid neuro-typical and nurtured since birth but is exhibiting all kinds of behaviors, the RADs and FAEs and ODD and so on and so forth might go undiagnosed or misdiagnosed.
My point is that I feel it is important to say we are foster parents. It is important to share our story. Maybe from reading about our journey, others won't go into this whole thing being as naive as we once were. Maybe others can learn how to navigate this fucked up system, this includes birth parents. I want to help birth parents too. But I can't continue to blog here if my identity is revealed. If you know my real name, please don't post it in comments. If you know where we live, please don't share that with others. And I ask that you also not allude to our personal information on your own blog as all someone has to do is Google M4$ and your post will come up as well. Thank you for understanding.
Recently Outed but Hoping it Gets Deleted,
Mothering4Money
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