Meet Rachel

My sister went with us to the kid's section the other day. On the way there she began to tell me about a new voice she has started hearing. It started after she broke up with that boy who was living with her and using her. The voice's name is Rachel. When she hears Rachel, she says her arms are longer, her hair a different color, etc. I explained that this is a delusion and as long as she realizes it as such and can control it, knowing at all times who she really is, her real given birth name, that she is okay. But at any time if she begins to think she is Rachel all the time, looses control over the voices, or hears them more frequently, that she needs a med change.

Then at the kid's section she began to wave her arms around yelling "This place sucks!" which drew attention from both the adults and the children at the museum. I tried to get her to calm down and go upstairs to the adult exhibits. She refused at first, wanting to go home NOW, but finally left the kids area and went to the adult area. Increasingly I felt uneasy with my sister's behavior so decided to leave early. The kids were not happy about it, but we went to get my sister and leave, only she wasn't upstairs. I asked people if they saw her. I checked the bathrooms. I checked all the exhibits. I looked outside. I looked in the buildings next door. Finally we had to get the museum security to look for my sister. They found her in the main office upstairs, an employee only place, sitting at someone's desk writing a letter from Me to You. They are other voices she hears that have "true love". I was afraid she wouldn't leave without a scene, but we managed to get home safely. I then turned around and took the kids to the library summer reading program, but what I really wanted to do was curl up in the fetal position and rock myself to sleep.

Fast forward to this weekend when we were all camping. My sister had several occasions where she would start freaking out and saying "I'm RealName and I'm in control." She would play "jokes" on people that weren't really jokes. Once she explained why she did whatever and why it was funny in her head, we were able to see what she was trying to do, but it involved so many of the voices that only she can hear that we didn't initially get it. She mumbled to herself almost constantly. She made inappropriate comments. She is sleeping a lot during the day and not so much at night. She is eating massive quantities of food. For example, at one sitting she ate several containers of ice cream. Half gallon containers. The most alarming behavior to me is her aggression. Not all schizophrenics are aggressive, but my sister is. And she likes to be agrressive with me. When she gets like this, I worry about my kids. They know her as their aunt. An aunt they can trust. But all she has to do is hear a voice that tells her to harm someone, or drown someone, or whatever and she'll do it when in this state.

Once again, she needs a med change. Once again, she doesn't think she does.

Homevisit # 16 for BabyBoy

After canceling twice, the new worker finally came out today. I continue to find all interactions with this person awkward and irritating. She said that she asked the old worker to not say anything to me yet, and was aggravated that she did. This worker wanted to blindside me. The old worker cared enough about us to not do that. This worker cares only about making her adoption quota. And there is a quota to meet. They've adopted 30 kids already this year and have to do at least 35 more before October. I am appalled. Who made this law? Why did they make a law stating that each department has to meet a specific adoption quota each year? Did this person or these people not realize the conflict of interest potential? What happened to the reunification goal they promote in GPS classes? How can you focus on reunifying if you have to, by law, put a certian number of kids up for adoption per year? Maybe I'm missing something. Maybe I'll find out more information as I research and it will make sense. Maybe some scientist somewhere has figured out how to make pigs grow wings and fly.

BabyBoy is 16 months old. He learned to say water this weekend. He would point to the lake and say "WaWa". Thankfully he didn't try to go swimming by himself, but he did like playing in the ashes of the unused fire pit. I would tell him no, and while looking me right in the eye, he would sit down in the old ashes. My parents fed him sausage and eggs and other things that made his poop extra nasty. Of course I was the designated diaper changer. He fell asleep every time we went out on the boat, but refused to nap while at camp. BabyBoy is growing so fast. He is like a chunk of lead now. A chunk of lead with a buddah belly. He is adorable.

This new worker told me that BabyBoy's siblings have ADHD and anger and depression issues. One of his siblings has a history of harming animals. This in addition to the kidney problems that I already knew about. I don't know why they waited so long to tell me this. I suspected issues in BabyBoy because of his defiance, extreme tantrums, and head banging but was hoping that proper parenting from an early age might help lessen the severity of his genetically predisposed issues. Time will tell I guess.

I still overshared at the homevist. I have got to stop doing that. She asked lots of questions and tried to make out like she understood what all went down recently. She made out like she was for us adopting, like she thought we were fine, etc. But yet she would say something else that betrayed her fake niceness. I know you are supposed to be tactful, that it is considered the polite way of communicating with the world, but I hate it. I would much rather people just say what they mean. Be completely honest and upfront and don't word things so that you can technically not be lying but also not be hurting anyone's feelings.

They being CPS had to hurry up and adopt BabyBoy out to someone, like now. They couldn't wait on The Husband to get home. They needed his contact info ASAP. I gave it to them and it's now week 2 and they haven't contacted him. Today the worker said that the email they are writing has to be approved by multiple people, probably including a lawyer, and then The Husband has to call them on the phone in order for the adoption to go forward. And then, then they have decided to just wait until he gets back to do anything else. You know because just a few weeks ago they couldnt' wait. They had to use BabyBoy to meet their 65 kid adoption quota but now they have decided to go after other kids and let BabyBoy's case ride for a few months. So much of this drama had to do with this new worker not caring about BabyBoy and his attachment to our family, but instead caring only about the numbers ... and money.

You have to understand that up until this point we have only fostered. Our kids have either aged out of the system, been emancipated, reunified with family, or been adopted by the person who had their sibling after 5 years of unsuccessfully working for reunification. Every TPR I've witnessed has been justified. Most of the workers we've dealt with have actually cared about the kids. I've been supportive to the workers, the department, the birth families, and the kids. I've documented every cent spent on the kids in order to show where the board payment is allocated. We take the kids all kind of places and try to give them lots of positive experiences. I send monthly reports of pictures and such to the workers and the birth family. We've done all this because we knew from the beginning that we weren't their favorite foster parents. We knew we had to go above and beyond to prove ourselves. Yet we defend the system because it is supposed to protect the children. This makes the 3rd worker that I've been less than pleased with. This is the first worker that makes me feel dirty. The first time I've felt the local system is horribly flawed. Where do you go from here?

The Joys of Fostering

This is why I love fostering. You get to witness children of all ages experience their first of many different things. With a younger child it may be first foods, first steps, first words and with older children it may be first time following through on a goal, first A in school, or first time traveling out of the state. The Cheerleader recently experienced her first camel ride, her first giraffe feeding, and her first trip to the aquarium. The week-long smile on her face was so wide it made my heart swell with happiness. Adding to the joy of watching kids experience their firsts, is getting to watch The Daughter hold their hands both literally and figuratively through the process. "This is how you hold the giraffe food." Said the 5 year old to the 17 year old, and "Here is where you sit on the camel so you don't fall off." I took pictures until the batteries went dead and then I continued taking snapshots in my mind. BabyBoy and The Daughter rode the carousel 9 times, one was enough to make me queasy. Together they unearthed a Basilosaurus fossil and herded sheep into the corral, working cooperatively as brother and sister.

Another thing I love about parenting all these children is participating in the teachable moments. There were people working in a zoo exhibit and when I said "Look, there's a couple of Homo Sapiens!" The Cheerleader didn't get it so we had an impromptu science lesson. I challenged both The Daughter and The Cheerleader to tell me one fact about each animal. If they didn't know one, I would teach them. The Rhino's horn is made of the same stuff as your hair - keratin. Did you know the Hipoo can run up to 30 miles per hour? It's true. Que the song I like em big, I like em chunky. I like em round, I like em plumpy.

When at the zoo and aquarium, it's also fun to identify animals in movies. What kind of fish is Nemo? Clown fish. Let's see if we can find and name all of the characters from the movie Finding Nemo. Can you find Timon and Pumba from The Lion King? We couldn't pass the lemurs without singing "I like to move it, move it, MOVE IT" from Madagascar. The Red Panda is no longer known as "awe cute" but as the all-knowing warrior "Shifu" in Kung Fu Panda. We went to see a man about a Wallaby over in the Kangaroo Kountry exhibit.

"Then she looked at the wallaby, sprightly and small, Exactly like her only not quite so tall. She widened her eyes, And cried with surprise, A kangaroos life's not so bad after all. Marsupial Sue, No longer so blue: You're happy with who you are."

And sang Rescue Pack, Coming to the Rescue while on our journey to find Spider Monkeys and the Maned Wolf. The only reference that neither kid got was to Smegal from Lord of The Rings which they haven't seen, but perhaps the cotton top tamarin just wasn't a close enough resemblance.

This is why I do this. This is why I foster. For the children.

Summer Reading Program

Got a book worm? Check with your local public library to see what kind of Summer Reading Program they have. Ours has weekly entertainment, prize drawings, and if the children meet their reading goal, they get to participate in an end-of-program carnival complete with bouncy house and snow cones. Don't forget weekly story hour and free educational classes at your local library as well.

And if you have a Barnes & Noble near you, unfortunately we don't, your kid can get a free book after reading 8 books. Also check your local book stores for potential storytimes.

Chuck E Cheese also has a summer reading reward program. Read books and get free tokens!

Wordless Wednesday: Summer Edition

Goals for the Summer

I'm still shocked that the school year is over and it's already partway through summer break. Gosh where has time gone? These are my summer goals for myself and the kids. The things in bold have already been completed.

The Cheerleader (age 17):
get a summer job
learn to plan, shop for, and cook at least 5 meals
learn to make a budget
learn to balance a checkbook
read at least one book per month on 3rd book already
have fun

The Daughter (age 5):
turn 6 years old
take lego robotics class at local community college
learn to play chess
learn to tie her shoes
learn to count money
read at least 25 books
practice baiting her own hook while fishing
practice swimming
have fun

BabyBoy (age 1 year):
attempt potty raining
attempt to wean off bottle
try new foods (watermelons, blueberries, ice cream, hushpuppies, shrimp, squash)
learn at least 3 new words (two so far, "thank you" and "ball")
have fun

Me (age 30something):
turn a year older
get job
read all unread books on shelf at home
exercise daily
keep pool from turning green
practice speaking en espanol
have fun

Places to go, things to do, stuff to see:
swim almost daily
go camping
go to beach
library summer reading program
library storytime
chuck e cheese
zoo
botanical gardens
kids museum
regular art museum
science center
aquarium

More drama with a side of snarky

Finally got to talk to my husband on Sunday and he is willing to adopt BabyBoy. Notified CPS of this and they replied that they still need to assess the situation. It chaps my ass that they couldn't wait a few months until he got back home, couldn't even put forth the effort to clarify his other statement of uncertainty, before deciding to make such drastic changes. Now there is no going back. I mentioned the D word and they ate it up ... instability in the marriage blah blah blah. Hell, I was willing to do what the worker told me I would have to do in order to keep my foster/adopt child. Now CPS is saying this assessment is going to take time and I need to be patient. Time ... you know that thing they said they couldn't wait for, they had to act now, couldn't let BabyBoy "linger" in care, had to finalize his adoption in 3 weeks, hurry up like now. Yeah, now they want me to wait. This is going to take time they say. Turns out it may take so long that The Husband will be back from overseas before they make a decision on our assessment. If it's going to take so damn long, why couldn't they have just waited for him in the first place?

Meanwhile, even the worker for The Cheerleader has started copying all her emails for me to her supervisor. Before this, we emailed back and forth, no problem. Now, every email is saved and sent to the supervisor. Every word dissected. Every action or inaction critiqued. Can I drive her 2 hours one way for doctors appointments that I didn't even get to make, two weeks in a row? You bet. So what if it interferes with job hunting. So what if I have to get my parents, yet again, to watch the other kids. Can I have a homevisit next week even though we just had one on Friday? Of course, come on out, and just like last time, make sure you ask a gazillion questions about the other kids in the home. Can we be down at CPS for another type of meeting for The Cheerleader? Sure! We will both miss appointments, but who cares if she misses cheer practice and I miss an important thing regarding BabyBoy. Three other doctors appointments for her too? Oh goody, I'm there! And court but you don't know what it is for? Be there with bells on! Because if I were to complain, even just a little bit, they would say that I can't handle parenting the kids by myself. They would say that I could handle it when The Husband was here, but now that he is not, I can't handle it. Which is bullshit. I handled it just fine and he has been in and out since last year. Also, this is the first time I've had a kid with this level of medical issues. Which of course aren't enough to get a higher board payment. Nope, my $14.00 a day covers all the gas and time and scheduling conflicts and childcare plus it leaves so much left over that I'm making millions off this kidnapped kid whose relatives returned her to CPS and the rest refuse to take her.

Already the rumor mill has circulated this story. I doubt there is a foster parent in this county who hasn't heard about BabyBoy's case.

My guess is that they are stalling while they find a new reason to take him away. Or a new way to word things so that there aren't any loopholes. A way of taking him so the only way I can stop it, is to file an injunction. Bring it bitches. I'm ready.

BTW, I should do a post on things I've learned. First, you can hire a lawyer and have him/her with you in these meetings ... the paper I signed says I can't sue, that's it. But CPS takes away license of any foster parent who even mentions consulting with a lawyer. Second, the adoption workers do in fact get extra money for their department for finalizing a bunch of adoptions. Meaning it actually is financially beneficial for CPS to adopt out these kids. This is why there are foster care workers who handle the cases and then the adoption worker who deals only with the adoption AFTER tpr and such is done ... so that there isn't a conflict of interest. Regardless, there was money in it for the department to hurry up and adopt BabyBoy and now they risk loosing or postponing that money. Third, the foster parent bill of rights is viewed as a joke by CPS. If you dare think you have any rights as a foster parent, they will laugh at you. If you dare think you can stand up for yourself, they will retaliate. Fourth, they will tell you small inaccuracies (like you can't adopt for a year after getting a divorce) in hopes that you aren't smart enough to look up the laws and rules yourself. Fifth, if you have a child whose case is controversial, you will no longer be allowed to leave the state with said child. Even if the vacation to the beach and aquarium was approved months ago. Sixth, lawyers are fucking expensive.

Update on BabyBoy

Last month at BabyBoy's homevist, the regular worker said she was getting to do the adoption. Meaning she was going to be The Adoption Worker. She asked me about contingency plans, took down phone numbers, etc. Then she called The Husband. He was at work, technically at the doctor's office doing outprocessing stuff for his overseas trip, but still working. I had asked if he needed to be there for the visit, but was told no, so he wasn't there. Now CPS is complaining that The Husband has never been to one of BabyBoy's court hearings, ISP meetings, or HomeVisits. He also hasn't been to any of the other 7 foster kid's stuff because he has been working (he went to one court hearing for our first foster kid because he was working nights and could make the 9am appointment). It has NEVER been a problem before. We've always asked if he needs to be there, they always say no. Never a problem before.

Anyway, so the worker called The Husband and asked him if he was willing to adopt BabyBoy. He replied that he was uncertain and that we still needed to talk about it. I proceeded to cry and complain that they sky was falling. In my best Negative Nancy impersonation, I went on and on about how The Husband didn't want to adopt BabyBoy. Remember that this worker frequently spends 2 to 4 hours in my home at each visit, text messages me about non case related things, tells me lots and lots of stuff about her personal life such as her sex life and her husbands insecurities and her mother's issues and her kids stuff and all kinds of things that FRIENDS talk about. The worker left assuring me that she would write it up saying that he was just unsure and that we were going to discuss it and get back to her.

Then less than an hour later she called on my cell letting me know that she was no longer on the case. I asked if she had requested to be removed and she said no. Her excuse was that since The Husband was going to be leaving ASAP that she was going to do the adoption, but since he was uncertain it was going to go slow instead of fast and so it would be staffed to an adoption worker. I had a bad feeling about it and that was the day I wrote this post.

A whole month went by with the only correspondence from the worker being an email telling me the adoption workers name and asking for a time to schedule the next homevisit and ISP.

Then I got sick and unsuccessfully tried to cancel the homevisit.

That's when the old worker told me that the new worker would be asking me some questions but that she wanted to be the one to tell me that BabyBoy would be moved soon. I asked if it would be soon as in Friday when the adoption worker was going to come out (she was on her way, but rescheduled due to my sick germs). The old worker (who is actually younger than me but i mean old as in the previous or regular worker) said she would find out when she got back to the office if they would be moving BabyBoy on Friday. I panicked. I cried. I called my Momma.

All of this because I was stupid enough to treat a social worker like a friend. I told her my fears. I told her that I didn't think my husband was going to agree to adopt BabyBoy. Nevermind the fact that he himself didn't confirm anything to the worker. He said he was "uncertain" and that we still needed to discuss it together as husband and wife.

On Tuesday at the homevisit (the ISP was also rescheduled to Friday with the new adoption worker) it appeared the case was going forward based on my negative nancy moment and not based on anything my husband said. In fact, this is exactly what was happening.

The worker told me that if The Husband wouldn't adopt BabyBoy that the only way I would be able to is if I divorced him and adopted alone, but that she thought I had to be "stable" for one year after the divorce before being allowed to adopt (i blasted off a panicky email to The Husband telling him that we were going to have to get a divorce if he wouldn't adopt - i have since sent about 10 other emails trying to clarify and such but haven't heard back from him, not sure if he has got them and is mad/sad/thinking/calling a lawyer/etc or if he just hasn't been able to get online). This was reiterated by other CPS workers higher up the food chain until I got someone from the state level to come be my liaison. Then they acted as if they never said that (that being the 1 year stability rule/law which actually doesn't exist but i didn't previously know that).

But, they did say that it appears my marriage is unstable so they should move all children out of my home anyway. The Cheerleader was going to have to go to a group home and she was scared and crying. Having the liaison from the state foster association was what saved that from happening as well. She pointed out that CPS was saying my marriage was unstable all because The Husband, when called at work, said he was uncertain about an adoption and wanted to discuss it with his wife before making his final decision. And now he is in a war zone completely unaware of all that is being alleged by CPS.

They said it was odd that I automatically jumped to being willing to get a divorce so that I could adopt BabyBoy by myself. I said my children come first, always, and in that scared panicky place where I thought CPS was taking him away in just a few days, I was willing to divorce in order to get to keep him. That's true, but honestly I wasn't sure what to do. I was scared and didn't want to divorce but also didn't want to loose BabyBoy. I know he isn't biologically mine. It would hurt to loose either of them. I didn't want to have to choose. It was all hard emotionally.

Then they brought out an email my grandmother sent out on her church prayer list. It violated confidentiality. I violated confidentiality by telling my grandmother that CPS was going to move BabyBoy (you know, my family member being notified that another family member was going to disappear forever). I had no idea she sent something to her church. She knows I'm not religious and she knows a handful of social workers go to her church, but she is ... well, she has her issues. So breaking confidentiality rules was reason enough to shut down my home and take the kids but because of having a state rep there they didn't enforce it. Thank god I had that state rep.

They called the meeting an ISP, but we never discussed strengths and needs of the child or anything that normally goes into ISPs. Well, I take that back, they did chastise me and said that if I take BabyBoy to the doctor that I am required to notify them. I have always notified them every time he farts, and especially every time he gets sick or has well child appointments or gets a boo boo. They chastised me about this and about that. They made me list my personal strengths apart from The Husband. They said we were assessed together as a couple and they aren't sure I'm strong enough and qualified enough to stand on my own. I had to show specific dates of my basically single parenting The Husband being gone since August 2008, with the exception of part of November and all of December of 2008 and those few weekends when he came home to visit in 2009. I had to show that during his absence, I volunteered over a hundred hours at The Daughter's school. I had to get written documentation of my estimated time spent doing Board of Director stuff and Vice President stuff for the foster parent association. I had to give them a copy of my resume with cover letter. I had to give copies of my college degrees, awards, certificates, and letters of recommendation. Then they told me I have to get a job and show them my financial stability. All of this and I didn't hurt anyone. I didn't neglect anyone. I haven't even been able to talk with my husband. He may say yes to the adoption, I don't know, but CPS is still requiring me to jump through hoops in order to stay BabyBoy's foster parent.

All because I was Negative Nancy and confided in a social worker like she was a friend that I feared my husband wasn't going to agree to adopt BabyBoy. Remember, he never said no to the worker.

For about 14 of BabyBoy's 16 months of life, his paperwork has said "Adoption by Current Foster Parents". Now it says "Adoption, No Identified Resource." It makes me sick to my stomach. I think CPS has another family in mind for him. He is a blond haired, blue eyed, baby boy with no medical issues currently ... worth millions on the baby market. Did I mention that the new adoption worker's mom and dad are looking to adopt?

I asked if they would allow me to renew my license since all that paperwork is coming up in a few weeks. They said yes, again because of the state liaison I think, but it feels like they are trying to find a reason or a loophole to shut me down. They praised my parenting, my involvement with the foster association, my running a message board to replace the newsletter, etc. but it all seemed so fake and superficial. I had the gall to stand up to them and it pissed them off. Now I shall pay, somehow, someway.

Still don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Still scared shitless. Still worried.

Works for Me Wednesday: Teenager's Curfew

Ah, teenagers. The dreaded time of parenting for many people is the teen years. They are asserting their independence, testing boundaries, pushing limits, coping attitude and probably doing all kinds of things that they don't want you to know about. Remember skipping school, lieing about homework and then feverishly copying a friends completing it in the morning during homeroom, and having sex in the back seat of a car at the driveinn? Of course not. We are responsible adults now and were responsible teens back then. Right?

So in order to be a responsible adult, I set a curfew for my teens. They usually don't like it because I make them be home before my bedtime. Waiting up to let a kid in the house all while they are making out somewhere and then speeding home just isn't the way I want to spend my nights. I need sleep. Because teens are teens, they tend to violate curfew and therefore as a responsible parent, I have to set consequences. For every minute past curfew, they will deduct an hour off the set curfew time. If curfew is at 10pm and the teenager is 5 minutes late, then the next time they go out, their curfew will be 5pm. It only takes once or twice of this before said teen starts arriving home on time. And I get to go to bed and sleep.

For more Works for Me Wednesday posts go here.

More Ralphing and Other Shitty Stuff

First of all, I've been vomiting and ass pissing since Sunday night. I thought everyone got over the virus last week, but then I got sick and have been consistently sick for two days.

So last night around 9pm on one of my runs to the bathroom, I text messaged BabyBoy's worker to let her know that I may need to reschedule the homevisit for today. She didn't reply. On one of my morning runs to the bathroom I called her at work and left a message that I definitely couldn't get up long enough to shower much less do a homevisit. My parents kept the kids during the worst of my illness, and it was all I could do to get them fed and into bed Monday night. Anyway, his worker claimed to not have gotten her messages and so she showed up today anyway. I'm down to only ass piss now so it is manageable.

She wanted to give me the bad news before the adoption worker got here. They are taking BabyBoy because my husband is refusing to adopt him. I asked to be given enough time to divorce and then adopt but they said I have to be single for one year after the divorce before I am allowed to adopt. The adoption worker didn't come out because she didn't want to be exposed to the sickness germs, but she is coming on Friday. I have called every higher-up at CPS to make an appointment but nobody is taking my calls and none have called me back. I can get a lawyer, which they hate and I think I signed something in GPS classes saying I wouldn't do that, but it is my only hope of getting to adopt BabyBoy.

His birth parents voluntarily gave up rights ONLY because it was promised that I would be allowed to adopt him. Now they are TPRd so there is nothing they can do to undo it or to prolong the case.

They will have BabyBoy adopted out in 3 weeks, finalized they said in 3 weeks. It is amazing at how fast they can work when they want something.

The adoption worker views him at a 16 month old white male child who still has a chance to bond with a new family. His old worker sees him as bonded to me and The Daughter because he has been here since birth. We love him and he loves us. I am his mommy, there is no doubt in his mind or mine or my daughters or anybody that we know locally that has followed this case. The only people that don't see him as ours is CPS. If they take him, I'm done. They will have lost a good foster home.

I'm just hoping they don't do it on Friday when she comes out. But I think that's what they are planning.

ISP Meetings

Most ISP meetings I've been involved in have been very informal. As in sitting in the cat hair and crumb infested floor of my living room informal. Once we had one mailed to the house and it said the ISP was done via telephone, but it wasn't. With one of our teenagers, we had a more formal ISP meeting held in an office at CPS. That meeting made me nervous. More nervous than the ones held after a hearing in an empty court room. But at all of them it's just me, the social worker, the kid if she is of an older age, and sometimes the birth parent if they are actively involved. You're supposed to have the therapists, doctors, family members, etc but that has yet to happen with any of our kids.

Sometimes what I say is documented, sometimes it is flat out ignored. You know when I say the child needs to work on this and that, needs this service, that documentation, and has x,y, and z strengths. Sometimes it's as if I'm speaking jibberish. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother to show up at all. If the worker comes to the meeting with the paperwork already filled out, with no intention of addressing other people's recommendations, or worse yet hasn't even read the child's file, then what's the damn point in having the ISP meeting in the first place?

With Bella, we had one ISP ten days before she went home and there was no paperwork involved. We simply signed our names to a blank piece of paper. What's the point in that? Who does it help? What purpose does it serve overall in the case?

I have two ISP's this week. One makes me so nervous that I'm eating M&Ms by the pound. I'm afraid of loosing BabyBoy, not to relatives because that ship has sailed, but to a more CPS acceptable family. Meaning a two-parent, church-going, patriarchy-affirming family. Or at least one with both parents on the same page in regards to adoption. I've raised him from birth with the knowledge that he would be adoptable if no relatives stepped forward. He calls me Mama. He adores The Daughter and she adores her baby brother. I promised the birth parents that it would be me who adopted BabyBoy, and I meant it, otherwise they would have fought TPR even longer. To take him away now would be devastating and life altering to many people involved. But the case now has a new worker, an adoption worker, who comes with ideals of her own, judgments of her own, and it is ultimately she who gets to make decisions. She holds all the power. Gosh please let me find a job and fast. Please let this worker be understanding and compassionate. Please, please let BabyBoy be mine legally.

Texting the Teen

Less than 24 hours after she moved in:

How is court going?
Who is this?
Yo new Mama LOL it's MyRealName.
Oh haha its goin good i guess lol idk

The next day:
We r still at home but u can hang out with BestFriend if u want. B careful and keep in touch so I know where u are.
Okay thanks

going to eat with BestFriends parents and grandparents
Ok, b home by 10 and b safe

can i stay the night with BestFriend
no

Saturday, June 6th
we just got done shopping. didnt get anything tho :( [read: poor pitiful me, i'm in foster care so feel sorry for me and give me loads of money so i can shop every day and buy anything i want because i've already blown both gift cards you gave me two days ago for my birthday plus the $60 someone else gave me and by the way why can't i drive that car that just sits in the driveway and nobody drives] now we are on our way to AnotherBoy's game

Sunday, June 7th
*made her stay home all day because she had yet to eat a meal with us and she needed to unpack her things*

Monday, June 8th:
What's ur location??
Swimmin at BestFriends

Hours later @ 9:30pm, curfew at 10pm:
Can i be home thirty minutes later tonight :)
no, 10pm is curfew
Alrighty

Tuesday, June 9th (on official date with BoyFriend)
It was a box turtle laying eggs in the driveway
oh lol

Wednesday, June 10th
Could i just stay the night with BestFriend tonight and she can just take me to them [them = senior pics the following day]
No

*pulled a stunt with the woman she used to live with and got grounded for 24 hours hence no texts between us on the 11th.*

June 12th
Me I care about you.
Her :) i care about you too

Two hours later:
Her: can i stay the night with BestFriend tonight, please?
Me: Tell me why u want to stay overnight
Her: Just to hangout lol. her curfew is 930 tonight so i promise its not to stay out later. and her mom has some cloths that she wants us to go through plus shoes and purses
Her: If i do get to stay we will prolly come back home and tumble some more
Me: Where r u now?
Her: BestFriends right now we are about to go to the movies
Me: Who all is going?
Her: Me and BestFriend and my BoyFriend
Me: No, u cant stay the night. If u wanted to go out with BoyFriend, then u should have asked that. If Best Friend picks u up then she should b the one who u r with and brings u home.
Her: I will be with her i would have ridden back with her to cause Boyfriend has to be home early as well i promise BestFriend has to be home at 930 and no guys can come over past that time either. so we were just gonna watch a movie and then come straight back here and tumble in the basement for like 30 minutes

She was late coming home, brought here by BoyFriend not BestFriend, excuse was his vehicle was making funny noise maybe tearing up. They stood outside for 20 minutes talking. Rule is that in order to be counted as being home on time, you have to be inside the door. She knows this. Also she wasn't even with friend, went out to eat and to WalMart and supposedly to the movies yet couldn't remember what movie they watched. And the real kicker, the BoyFriend was staying overnight with his friend that lives only two houses down from the BestFriend, so that's the real reason she wanted to stay the night. I'm guessing she was planning on staying the night with the BoyFriend and not so much the BestFriend. She stayed home the next day but still had the gall to ask, at 8pm, to go out with some other boy I have yet to meet. Of course I said no but also let her know that she was being disrespectful. She wants to go live with her BestFriend and her parents, they love and want her. I said that I love and want her, she cried. Gotta try harder to push me away little girl, this ain't my first rodeo.

What's Up Chuck

We didn't get sick, not even once (scratch that, I now recall that The Daughter got sick once while Bella was here), while Bella was here. She left yesterday and already two out of the four of us are ralphing on a regular basis. Every 30 minutes to be precise.

Snakes and Snails and Puppy Dog's Tails

Bella was having supervised, hour long visits with her paternal grandma. These started only after court a couple of weeks ago. She has never lived with this grandma but she has stayed overnight with her. She did not have any unsupervised visits or overnight stays in paternal grandma's home before being moved into her home permanently.

I was allowed to take Bella to her paternal grandma's residence. It was substandard, but that is related to poverty and ignorance, not neglect or abuse. This woman obviously loves Bella and has lived in the same location, providing stability and tons and TONS of non healthy food if not a proper education or clothes to her other two grandchildren, so at least there is that.

As soon as we arrived (the worker was there as well) the paternal grandma let me know that she had "turned me in" for forcing Bella to have a snake crawl up her arm. I wanted to say slither, not crawl, but thought it best not to aggravate the situation. Especially because I knew that Bella had told her about digging for earth worms and playing with them. Despite my repeated attempts to correct her, she kept calling the earthworms snakes. She was in no way, shape, form or fashion forced to play with worms or snakes. She actually came inside with a worm in her palm saying "Look Mama!" and I made the kids go outside and release the poor defenseless earthworms. Later I found one baked onto the side of the momvan. RIP Herman the Worman.

I've encountered birth relatives that were anti-CPS but this was my first IRL experience with a birth relative that was anti-foster parent. The paternal grandma said she was just beside herself with worry about what horrible situation Bella was going through in a foster home. "Foster Home" was said with disgust. Picture her spitting as she said it. Only that would require too much effort so she sat on her fat ass on her lone couch trying to catch her breath from walking the two steps from the front door to the only furniture in the living room. Yes, that was snarky as hell and completely immature and uncalled for. Maybe I'll grow up some day.

She was livid that I had Bella's ratty ass hair trimmed. I got permission from the SW. I kept the email as proof. When I brought up the fact that Bella said nobody had ever combed her hair before, Paternal Grandma replied that Bella was still a baby and didn't need her hair brushed, besides she said, Bella didn't like it. I understand being upset that you missed out on your kids first hair cut, but she is about to turn 4, they had plenty of time to save up the money for a brush & comb. The bio mom was the one most pissed off, the paternal grandma said, yet her rights were terminated years ago. YEARS AGO. She ain't got no say in the matter. 'Sides, she gone 'way in the pen down south fo' 'bout a decade or mo'. How she expects to be able to take her kid that she don't even have rights to anymore for her first hair cut is beyond me. She thank she takin the chile to get her ears pierced to. She crazy. Bio Mama ain't the only one in da family dat ain't playin' wif a full deck, if ya know what I mean an all.

I'll stop being mean and patronizing in a minute. Maybe. Okay, probably not.

So I offered Paternal Grandma a car seat for Bella. She said Bella was too big for a car seat, she can ride in "Bubba's lap". I had her in a 5 point harness car seat ands he fit just fine. Hell, my 5 about to be 6 year old is still in a 5pt safety seat. But I also bought a booster seat (out of pocket of course because the only board payment I received was a partial payment less than $200) because I thought Paternal Grandma might use that more often and I want Bella to be safe.

Pat G'ma also stated that it was my responsibility to see to it that Bella got all her dental needs taken care of before she came there. She actually said "I ain't takin' her to no dentist." I had her less than 2 months and if she didn't have so many cavities, we would have been able to get them all taken care of, but the dentist would only do one filling at a time and that coupled with the cleaning and her other medical appointments took up the 7 1/2 weeks she was here.

She also won't continue taking her to gymnastics (or preschool) even though I have prepaid. I let her know about the FREE events Bella was enrolled in at the library, but she wasn't interested in going to that either. I gave her a list of the local pool, rec center playground, foodbanks, headstart, and other income based services, and she threw it all in the trash right in front of me. Kind of like giving me the finger only it hurt worse because all of Bella's pictures from being with us were in the stack of papers too. Paternal Grandma was irritated that I had taken Bella camping, riding on a boat, on a four wheeler, swimming, etc without her consent. Instead of being excited for Bella at having had such fun experiences, she was mad at me for being a lowly evil foster parent who provided the opportunities for Bella to learn and grow and have fun.

And then Bella took out her hairbow and said "Hang on, I'm going to give this to Mama." For the record, I have never asked her to call me mama, she just did it from the beginning. Maybe because the other kids were calling me mama, but I told her my first name all the time. All hell broke loose though when she called me Mama in front of the Paternal Grandma. All. Hell.

So we left and I cried. On the way there Bella asked "You're my Mama now, right?" and it made me feel like she was being abandond yet again by another mother figure. I told her from the beginning that she would be going back home to her grandma, I just thought it would be the Maternal Grandma. Once I found out she would be going to the Paternal Grandma, we started talking about and preparing for that. But still, it broke my heart to hear her be so confused and to possibly think that her new Mama was no longer going to be in her life. And I'm not. And that makes me sad.

The Daughter is sad too. I expected that though. She wants to know if I can handle all the kids in the world because she wants them to come live here so she'll have someone to play with. She will even share her toys. I think we're gonna need a bigger house.

We called The Cousin and he came over to play for a while, maybe an hour, before his Nana called him home. That made The Daughter cry all over again. She didn't want to sleep in her room tonight. The whole house feels empty. It is certainly quieter without Bella. Nobody is tattling. Nobody is fighting. Nobody is tearing things apart. Nobody is laughing.

Miscommunication Madness

Me: Do you have a Skype account?
Him: No
Me: Do you have a MySpace account then?
Him: No
Me: Are you sure?
Him: Yes.
Me: I did a Skype search for you and it found you.
Him: I don't have a Skype account.
Me: I know it is you because it has your specific information listed.
Him: I'm sure I don't have a Skype account.
Me: Have you signed into Skype at all?
Him: Well, I registered for a user name.
Me: Okay, then you have an account.
Him: No, I don't have a Skype account.

*breathe in, breathe out*

Me: You do have a Skype account!
Him: When I registered a user name it said it costs money to call, so I didn't create an account.
Me: Look, you have a Skype ACCOUNT. It doesn't cost money to talk Skype to Skype. It only cost money if you use your Skype account to call a landline or cell phone. It works kind of like an Instant Messenger service.
Him: I don't have a lot of experience with IMs.
Me: Just log into Skype the next time you get online so the kids can see you. Shit.

Weeks pass

Me: Hello?
Him: Hey, it's me.
Me: You were supposed to be on Skype at 9am.
Him: I am on Skype. Blew my family off Was at movies earlier.
Me: But you called my cell phone.
Him: And ...
Me: The point in using Skype was to video to video so we could SEE one another.
Him: The computers here don't have cameras.

Oh. My. Gosh.

How to fit 4 years of parenting into 2 months

You can't. It is as simple as that. It can't be done.

With Bella leaving us soon, I feel pressured to hurry up and teach her everything and take her everywhere. I thought we were going to have more time. I sing children's songs, read books, do hand rhymes, count objects, say the alphabet, reiterate proper hygiene, help with healthy food choices, encourage manners and morals and following the rules, but there is very little sinking in to her head and the time is running out, so the pressure builds.

My goals were:
To have Bella caught up with her peers academically by the time she left our home.
To have Bella wipe properly without using an entire roll of toilet paper PLUS an entire box of wipes.
To teach Bella to wash her hands after toileting and before meals.
To have Bella recognize three meals and three snacks as normalcy and to trust that she would be given these meals consistently.
To have Bella stop climbing into strangers laps.
To have Bella recognize truth from lie.
To have Bella learn to reply with yes, no, yes ma'am, no ma'am instead of grunting or mumbling snotty replies.
To have Bella's teeth cleaned and repaired and to teach her good dental hygiene.
To teach Bella respect for herself, for her toys, for other people.
To take Bella to all the places that one expects during childhood like the zoo, aquarium, camping, museum, library storytime, to the beach, to an amusement park, hiking, to the playground, etc.
To enroll Bella in all kinds of activities from swimming lessons to gymnastics so that she can burn off some of her energy but also so that she can figure out what she likes to do.
To provide structure, guidance, love, and a model of a healthy child/parent relationship.

There just isn't enough time. I've been working on it since day one, but it takes longer than two months to mend four years of a persons life. She has grown, she has learned, and she has experienced, but I have not been able to accomplish all of the goals I wanted for her. Regardless, every little bit helps & every little bit matters.

Auditioning for The Cheerleader's Family

Two bits, Four bits, Six bits a dollar ... all fostering for the money, stand up and holler. Yay! Go MegaBucks! Rake in that dough! Go Team Foster Care! WooHoo!

The Cheerleader's family doesn't want her. They returned her to CPS for cripes sake, but yet they feel entitled to dictate everything about her life. They wish to meet me and approve of my home. They disrupted the day before The Cheerleader's 17th birthday yet they all fake-niced today at court and gave her birthday money. Then, they had the gall to call and inquire about what I intended to do to celebrate The Cheerleader's birthday (cake, gift cards, presents, etc). That's right folks, foster care - its the place where you put your kids so they'll have a great birthday. Want a bouncy house? Put your kid in foster care!

I am not known for my restraint and it is taking all I've got to bite my tongue lately. Everyone from The Husband who is choosing to play basketball, volleyball, video games, and tan by the pool instead of email or call home, to the idiot driving a red vehicle who scratched down the side of my van, to my sister who once again dumped cat litter in my driveway, and especially to weird ass foster care cases, this is your warning: I am about to blow.

From what I gather, because all I have is a paper saying The Cheerleader is in my care and don't have anything further explaining the situation, it appears that The Cheerleader's dad is in prison. Her mom is working at a bar and attending drug court (umm, maybe working in bar isn't the best way to stay sober. I'm just sayin'). She is also going to parenting classes in order to maintain visitation with another one of her kids, a son who is younger than The Cheerleader. He lives with his bio father. Different baby daddies, of course. So The Cheerleader has lived with different people in different places and I have no idea what the actual timeline is.

Bio Mom's rights are terminated in regards to The Cheerleader. Not sure about Bio Dad's rights.

At one point in the past she lived with a grandparent and that ended at Christmas one year where the grandparent brought The Cheerleader down to CPS. Great memories for her that holiday, just as this one. The other set of grandparents just say no to her living with them. When she was dropped at CPS that time, she went to a foster home. I don't know how long she stayed there but she claims that parent couldn't handle her simply because she knew nothing about teenagers. A lot of people can't deal with teens, but I figure there is more to the story than what The Cheerleader is sharing.

The people she was living with immediately before moving to my house was a relative, cousins or aunt & uncle or something. The male is a police officer and the female is an office manager at an optometrist. Both make decent pay and have excellent insurance so the excuse about putting her back in care because they couldn't afford her medical costs is fishy at best. She had been living with them for one year. Why they had to disrupt RIGHT NOW and not say, next week, is beyond me. I know that The Cheerleader admitted to getting physically aggressive with their bio kid and that coupled with her smartaleck disrespectful attitude probably contributed to the urgency. Either way, I can't seem to understand why they feel some random foster parent can handle her better if they can't handle her themselves ... and he is a police officer!

Her medical condition requires going to the childrens hospital a couple of times per year and getting some medication via IV. She also goes to an endocrinologist and some other kind of local doc that I can't recall. I thought it odd that she doesn't see a neurologist since her tumor makes her have seizures. She said she hasn't had any in a while, and so she doesn't take medication. Her condition is minimal, she isn't disfigured in any way whatsoever, and doesn't seem to suffer from the kind of pain typically included with Fibrous Dysplasia.

She thinks she used to be ugly so now she bleaches her hair blond and wears blue colored contacts and she thinks she is pretty now. She says dressing nice makes her feel like she is worth something. She looks for attention from boys. She's been pregnant before but swears she isn't having sex now. Besides, she can't take the pill due to her medical condition and she is allergic to latex she says. Basically I'm saying she has some self esteem issues. Counseling will start whenever her case gets staffed and that worker finds the time to set it all up.

Ironically, visits with the relatives that disrupted will start next week. I guess if she is cured they want her back? Yes, that was snarky of me. I did get an award for that ya know.

So The Cheerleader is off with her BFF who is even more disrespectful, smart mouthed, and suffers a more severe case of entitlement than The Cheerleader. Only her parents encourage this kind of behavior by giving her expensive cars (yes, plural) and other material objects all while giving in to her every whim. They shant dare discipline her or give her rules and boundaries for it might actually make her have morals, a conscious, and develop into a respectable human being.

Of course The Cheerleader is already testing the boundaries here. She hinted all night about wanting to go out with her friends on her birthday, then today she just brought one of them home from court, and then with the friend sitting here she asked to spend the night. This is after making the fatal mistake of letting me know the friend's parents don't adequately supervise, and that there are slightly older very cute brothers and their friends in the home. And that the downstairs game room is where the hormones fly, if you know what I mean. Umm, no. You can not go overnight now, you can not go overnight later, you can not go overnight ever while living under my roof. Mkay, next!

Placement Numero Siete

Got a new girl today. We'll call her The Cheerleader. She is 16 but will turn 17 tomorrow. Yes, she gets to spend her 17th birthday in court chillin' with the foster care crowd. Great fun!

I was told she came into care because the people she was living with could no longer afford her medical care (Fibrous Dysplasia), but then it was mentioned that they dropped her off at CPS because of her anger issues. We've spent the afternoon getting to know one another and I've been listening to her go on and on about all the places she has lived and with whom and of course listening to how horrible each one was. Meanwhile she was texting the people who just disrupted. She likes attention, is jealous of others, doesn't share the whole story but leaves it skewed just a tad, and is basically a normal teenager. Best of all, she cheers at my old stomping grounds.

72 hour hearing tomorrow and I'm going to miss it as BabyBoy has an appointment at the same time. Fortunately her intake worker will be there and is going to take her out for lunch and some fun afterwards in order to celebrate her birthday. I have not been able to get away from home without the kids, so I don't have her a present. She just came here at 4:30pm and while I now know her favorite color, her type of guy, her true hair color, and the genre of book she prefers to read, I still don't know what to purchase for her. I'm thinking a gift card to Rue21 as she mentioned that being her favorite store. I do have pink streamers and white balloons hanging from the ceiling and a small bag of toiletries on the table, it's all I could do at the last minute. Tomorrow I'll order her a cake and buy a real gift. Then I figure she'll go out with her friends for a few hours and that will help. Can't wait to see if she makes curfew.

Let me know what you decide ...

Got a call today for the placement of a 17 year old girl. Was told that she needs to be moved because she is fighting with other teens in the current home. They make fun of her for being overweight and so they fight. The worker said it may have to do with jealousy as well. Once a few years back she tripped a 5 year old and denied having done it but the five year old said she did it on purpose. There were no other instances of violence, no hitting parents, etc. She is sexually active and has a boyfriend. Senior in high school but barely passes. No job, no car, no drivers license. Personal goal is to own her own daycare. Case plan is ILP until aging out of system. Was previously in therapeutic home due to argumentative behaviors, then group home, removed from group home due to fighting with teens, now in regular foster home.

My questions:

Any mental health issues?
Reply: No

How long in care?
Will have to look it up

Reason for being brought into care?
Will have to look it up

Converse via email with members of foster parent association in regards to monthly newsletter. Receive email from worker, it reads:

"Just wanted to give you a little more information about the 17 y.o. girl that we discussed on the phone. This worker has just gotten this case so she had to look up some things. She has been in care since 1998 due to domestic violence, drugs, and she was sexually abused by mom's boyfriend. No one knows where mom is and dad is in prison. She initially went into a group home due to boundary issues and compulsive behaviors. She has been in therapeutic foster care, where she did kick the foster mom because she was holding her down and wouldn't get off her. This has been two years ago. There have been no other reports of her hitting a parent. She has not been involved in any criminal activity or drugs. She does go to Mental Health to see a psychiatrist once a month for meds for ADHD, PTSD, ODD, and RAD. She has recently been off her meds, which may explain the recent behavior. She ran out of meds and the foster mom forgot to make her appt. with the doctor. Let me know what you decide. THANKS!"

Isn't it odd how much the information can change when you ask specific questions and they have to actually read the case file? If I would have had to reply right away, I would have said yes, but knowing that I don't feel capable of dealing with things like Oppositional Defiance Disorder and Reactive Attachment Disorder, then my reply is no. I'm sorry.

I'm posting this to let people see how the process works. Many times I have to make a decision right away, before hanging up the phone, and most definitely without knowing all the information about a child or the case. This time the move isn't scheduled until next week, so I was able to wait with my reply. I didn't share names or locations in order to have some semblance of confidentiality. This is a good worker. Her job is simply to call and find placements. I hope she finds a good home. Good Luck.

Father's Day Gift Ideas

Sure you could go with a tie, but why not get something he'll really like? Toys, toys, toys, and more toys. Also check out Mental Floss tshirts and other Father's Day Gift Ideas. At least this is what my Baby Daddy is getting, yours may prefer a tie.