This is me "loosing it"

I sometimes forget that I have stalkers, and not followers or loyal readers, but trolls and haters. I censor heavily because of the people that The Husband invited into my safe space, unbeknownst and unwanted to me, but occasionally I say things that are small snippets of only a specific moment in our lives and I don't realize how alarmist dramatic it sounds until my hits triple and I realize I must have said something wrong. 'Cause it's always my fault, right.

Some clarifications ...

I won't talk about some stuff because of OPSEC. That sentence alone pretty much tells it all though, doesn't it. Once again my life revolves around acronyms, shitty insurance (didn't think anything could ever be worse than TriHell, but it can) and a complete lack of being in control of my life, which I loathe.

I am mentally stable. Yes, I know it's sooooo hard for you to believe that. In complete disclosure, I get the blues in the wintertime but don't take medication. I had serious postpartum depression but was too stubborn to seek help at first, then when I asked, I was brushed off and hurt badly (both physically & emotionally) by loved ones and so I decided to suck it up and deal with it myself. I should have followed my gut and I regret not being a better person for my daughter in those early days.

There are things that unless you know me very well, you don't know. I promise you that The Husband isn't who/what you think he is. I understand why certain people may think certain things about me, but you don't know our history, or rather his history. This is MY place, if you support him go to his place, but please leave me the fuck alone. K Thx

I make .59 cents per HOUR "babysitting" foster kids. I have decided that anyone who takes my blog title seriously or thinks I am making money off this gig, can just shove it. The going rate for a babysitter in this area is about $3 per hour. The foster parent association pays the CPS family service workers $10 an hour to babysit during our meetings. I get $14 per day. Daycare workers and school teachers get paid more than that and they only have kids for part of the day and not at all on weekends. I have a college degree in Child Development, another in Social Science, I have training and certifications out the wazoo, and I think .59 cents per hour is too little. There, I said it.

I have several months worth of board payments in my purse right now. I can't cash them or deposit them because they are in The Husband's name and he hasn't been around to sign them. Regardless of how many times I've complained, CPS claims their system defaults to the male head of household and won't put my name on the checks.

I didn't take, steal, or kidnap your kid, period.

The New Girl's grandma is now MIA. I have no idea what this means for this case. What happens now? What do I tell her? Why do people choose drugs over kids?

Foster Daughter #4, the one I wrote about hopefully being on the upswing after a bout of using again, well she was supposed to come visit today but never showed up and didn't call.

This sickness that I've had for weeks and can't seem to shake? Pneumonia. And today I picked up a little stomach bug at the kindergarten. BabyBoy has pink eye. The New Girl has a runny nose. So long as we avoid the swine flu, it's all good.

And that's pretty much the extent of it. I'm in no way, shape, form, or fashion dropping my basket, but thanks for your concern.

Email from a former foster teen

Today I received an email from one of our previous foster teens. Unfortunately she isn't doing so well, but hopefully is on the upswing. I'm talking about Foster Kid #4, the one who was supposed to be so bad (two disrupted placements, in care since age 14, allegations of lying and stealing, past drug and alcohol abuse, noncompliant with prescribed medication, etc), but turned out to be so easy to parent. She only lived with us for two months and then after she turned 18 we helped her petition the court in order to be emancipated from the foster care system. She was an A & B student, could have been straight A's if she would have cared enough to study. She worked and managed her money well. She graduated high school and went on to college. I knew she could accomplish great things, thought she was on her way. But her email said she has been clean for four months which indicates that previously there was a period of not being clean. She is back living near her family but realizes they are toxic and she is considering moving away. I want to offer that she move back here and complete college, but something tells me (yes, my inner voice is talking again, shhh) that it wouldn't be the best thing. Instead I wrote back that I would be happy to help her move and to help her get back into college.

I had just emailed her asking for permission to use her journey through foster care into early adulthood as a success story for the United Way funding the Foster Parent Association receives. We recently had to redo our budget since the UW can't give as much money as they had expected. Each time we complete the paperwork, we're required to attach a fostering success whether reunification or adoption or independent living. All the other officers of the association have written about their successes, plus we needed one from the older age group, so #4 had previously appeared to be a success and I was to write about her.

Last I spoke to her, she was considering majoring in nursing but that was because her husband's family was pressuring her and not because she wanted that field. They were also pressuring her to give them a grandchild, but she wasn't ready. She was in college and working the same job, living in the same apartment, married, and still doing fine. Then her best friend died and she suspected her husband was cheating on her, and things got hard for her so she regressed back to bad behaviors. Her husband got laid off work and instead of getting another job (he is an accountant) he went back to school and she had to quit school in order to work more to support them (Ahrggg!!!) and it all got to be too much so when she thought he was cheating, she left. Being around her bio family just made it all worse. And I had no idea all this was happening because I didn't keep in touch even though we just lived one town apart (mommy guilt). Now we are one state apart and I'm willing to go get her because she needs someone to care.

I still have to write that success story. Her success is that she graduated high school, earned college credits, continues to be gainfully employed and live independently through it all, and keeps in touch however sporadically with a former foster mom (that's me!). Most importantly though is that she was able to realize the downward spiral, stop it, and actively try to change things for the better. She doesn't want to repeat her family's generational patterns. She knows there is a better way to live. I have high hopes for her.

Fostering through good times and bad

Yesterday was one of the rougher days with The New Girl but today was one of the best yet. According to Yondalla's Foster Parenting Milestones, I'm currently vacillating between numbers three and four. I was experiencing # 3 yesterday when The New Girl and The Daughter were standing at the edge of the pool throwing rocks into the water. This after a day of breaking other rules and making huge messes, none quite as potentially life threatening as the pool thing, and yet again another night of crying. I need sleep! Yes, I must have jinxed the situation when I bragged mentioned that The New Girl didn't cry and constantly ask for her birth family. She now cries every night at bedtime and at least once during the day, especially if she gets into trouble for oh, I don't know, stealing other people's food and eating it. The food issues with the hyperactivity and attitude make for some very embarrassing moments in public. She asks for her mom quite often, so its obvious that she has been in contact with her even though TPR supposedly occurred quite a while back. It is my understanding (from The New Girl, still haven't received paperwork or had a visit with the worker) that even though she was in custody of her Grandma, and then safety planned with BioMom's boyfriend/husband, they all lived together so The New Girl thinks she lives with her mom unless BioMom is in jail. Explaining it all to her is hard, especially since I don't know what the hell to say. I am afraid of saying too much, afraid the worker will disapprove, but I think the intake/investigative worker should have explained it already. On days like that where I'm in milestone #3 it all feels so overwhelming.

But then we'll have a day where the kids play so well together and the house is filled with little kid giggles and it just feels warm and cheerful. The New Girl doesn't cringe or pull away when I give her a hug - progress! I think about what it would be like to have The New Girl as a permanent addition to our family. The intense work doesn't seem as daunting on days spent in milestone #4. I see one or two or maybe three more kids completing our family. The New Girl's presence will hopefully help The Daughter deal with some very, very painful stuff that is coming up. I only hope that The New Girl doesn't leave at the same time this other painful thing is happening. I don't even want to think about the devastation. But I'm hoping& praying assuming The New Girl will will be hanging out for a while. Instead of the afternoons being filled with me telling BabyBoy that I can't pick him up because I'm cooking, and telling The Daughter that I can't play with her because I'm cooking/cleaning/tending to BabyBoy, now they all three play together while I get through the chores and then I find that there is free time to finally play with them like I always wanted.

I'm already lining up family members to help out because I know that with all this life altering shit going on that I'll need help even if fostering milestone #5, the crash, never happens. I guess Life Sucks Milestone #5, The Crash, is enough for one person to handle. I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic about the future, but am desperately reaching out to all my family, friends, and resources because I'm lonely this ride is about to get bumpy.

About that Boy

The 16 year old boy that I posted about previously? Well, he is 17 and already went through the first foster home and got moved into a second foster home and they are now begging the worker to get him into a group home. Remember how the worker told me I would just have him over the weekend until they got him into a group home that following Monday? Remember how I felt that what she really meant was that I would have him until he aged out of the system? Remember how they claimed he was nice and not harmful and all those diagnosis were incorrect? Well, he has already proven the diagnosis are correct and has already stolen again, was caught on camera even, but denies it. This is just a reminder to myself to listen to my inner voice, my gut feeling, and heed its advice.

Social Service Resources

Search Engine: google.com
Search Words: a person without food or income is left to suffer but the baby is taken in custody

SiteMeter tells me that someone landed here on my blog via the search terms listed above. I thought it would be a great time to list resources for such a person. Apologies for only listing resources for the United States. If you are outside of the united states, search for your country and the resource name you are seeking, or look in your local phone directory providing you have one. If you would like to add anything helpful, please do so in the comments.

It has been my experience that when CPS takes a child into custody, a case is opened on the parents and unless they are repeat offenders, they are also offered services via CPS. This means that a worker will help them with transportation, either through scheduling a family support worker to pick up the parents for visits, job interviews, parenting classes, and such or giving gas vouchers so that they can use their own vehicle if they have one. A worker will also help with getting the family on any services that they qualify for such as foodstamps, WIC, medicaid, government housing such as HUD or section 8, unemployment benefits, welfare, disability, or assistance in finding a job. So typically the parents aren't "left to suffer" without help when their child is taken into custody.

I would hope that said parents wouldn't want their child to have to remain in such a situation where they too were having to "suffer". I would hope that said parents would be actively trying to improve their situation so as to protect their child from suffering from lack of food, shelter, and proper medical care. I'm thinking that surely they must be using the internet at a free location such as the public library because obviously food comes before internet and cable. I'm assuming people understand how to budget and live within their means and clip coupons and live frugally and save some money for a rainy day and then if all heck breaks loose, they know how to seek out and utilize services. Maybe I'm assuming too much.

FOOD
foodbanks
foodstamps
emergency food assistance program
soup kitchens
churches
wic
Salvation Army

HOUSING
hope for homeowners
HUD
homeless shelters
women's shelters

EMPLOYMENT
employment office
unemployment benefits
supplemental security income
goodwill
temporary assistance for needy families
job corps
army
air force
government jobs

CLOTHING
goodwill
Salvation Army
churches
thrift stores

MEDICAL
medicaid
state insurance program for children

CHILD CARE
early start
headstart
state lists
what to look for in a quality child care provider
find a NAEYC accredited child care center

Houston, We Have a Worker

A Social Worker that is. Apparently if you call with a problem, you get staffed a lot quicker. Who knew?

I took The New Girl to the doctor listed on her placement paperwork only to be told that they weren't her assigned pediatrician. She has been going there pretty much since birth, and from the looks of her chart she has gone to the doctor a lot, but she is officially assigned by the state medical insurance to another doc in another town. The whole process of getting her switched over is going to be a PITA, which is why I called the intake/investigative worker and left a message. Only I didn't reveal that the pediatrician was going to go ahead and see her that day since she had an appointment and we had already waited (with three kids!) for two hours before finally getting to see the doctor. Instead I let her think that maybe we wouldn't be able to get The New Girl in to see a doc until this insurance issue was resolved
(Yes, I feel guilty for being deceptive). And that's when she called back and told me she just staffed the case to a worker.

All girly parts were intact so hopefully that indicates that no violations occurred. The burn/scrape/mark was documented but the doc didn't seem to think it was a malicious thing, said it looked to him (at a week plus old) to be minor and probably accidental. She weighs 41 pounds and is 41 inches tall. The New Girl is square.

The worker is experienced and locally well-known. She has the name of a celebrity. When I was going through GPS classes (The Husband did Deciding Together classes during the day while I did GPS/MAPP classes at night) this worker was also going through them. We frequently sat beside one another and apparently I made somewhat of a good impression. She was the one who recommended we get Foster Daughter #1 back when we weren't even done with classes yet. I felt like if she hadn't of recommended us that we wouldn't have received children. This will be the first time we get to work with her though and I'm both eager and apprehensive. Some of the gossip-prone foster parents have mentioned that she is hard to get ahold of and doesn't seem to care about the kids (meaning she typically sends kids home even in dire circumstances). But these same individuals don't like BabyBoy's worker and I adore her, so who knows. Already The New Girl's worker has sent an email answering my questions, inquiring about our schedule for planning homevisits, and complimenting me .. so far so good!

She likes my SitReps or progress reports, whatever you want to call them. Since foster kid numero uno I have sent the respective SW an email (hate talking on the phone) at the end of each month listing all the things the foster kid did that month including pictures, problems, improvements, list of things still needing to be worked on, etc. I knew that some of them got forwarded around the CPS office and several workers have complimented me on them before, but only now (from her comment) do I feel that someone actually appreciates them. Hey, it's nice to be appreciated. I'll take what I can get.

16 kids in 20 days

This is just in our county which is largely rural and not as populated as some other counties with larger cities, but in the month of April there have been 16 kids picked up by CPS. I don't know if it is related, but April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month and everyone from the schools to local media have been getting the information out there on how to spot the signs of abuse & neglect. Maybe it's working to save kids lives, or at least save them from more trauma. Sixteen kids in twenty days. What is wrong with people?

About The New Girl

The New Girl needs an internet name although I suppose saying The New Girl will work until there is a newer girl. I wanted to call her Bella for the Disney princess with blond hair and brown eyes but when I looked it up, turns out her name is Belle. There is another Disney princess with the blond hair brown eyes combo, or at least I think so, called Aurora which I think is the same one as Sleeping Beauty but I'm not for certain. Obviously I don't know my princesses nor do I even like them, so why even go that route? The New Girl doesn't seem to know what she likes so it is hard to give her an internet name based on her likes and dislikes. We could call her Energetic Girl or Girl Who Likes to Play Outside but that's too long.

I kept meaning to come up with an internet name for The Daughter as well, because some day there may be more than one permanent daughter. For The Daughter I thought of Nectarine but she really prefers to eat Watermelons, or DinoLover but then what happens when she is a teen and perhaps not into dinosaurs to the extent she is now, or Goldilocks or ShirleyTemple because of her corkscrew curls but imagine all the Google searches where people would land here instead of where they wanted to be, or Perpetually Sick Girl but isn't that a tad too negative. So for now, The Daughter will remain known as such, and The New Girl will also remain as such.

The New Girl is adjusting better than I had expected. She has yet to cry (out of sadness for bio family) or to say that she misses someone. Only once has she said she wanted Marley* to come get her. For the record I don't know who Marley is really. It appears that he is BioMom's boyfriend although the daycare said he was The New Girl's stepdad. The daycare also said he "didn't look like the kind of person who would do that" meaning sexual abuse and they felt he "just had his hands full" and had "already raised his own kids" and therefore couldn't keep The New Girl. Meaning the daycare is completely clueless. I might know more specifics if this case had been staffed to a worker, but here we sit almost a week later (Wednesday will be a week) with no further info and no worker. I've never had a case take this long to be staffed. Normally they are staffed the Monday following intake, if not sooner.

Here is what I do know.

The New Girl's BioMom has 5 or so children, all with different Baby Daddys. BioMom had years of CPS intervention which ultimately resulted in TPR due to her drug abuse. BioMom is still on drugs. All the children went to relative placements, but this meant they were all split up. Each child went to their respective paternal grandparent except for The New Girl. The New Girl's father is in prison and her paternal grandparents were ruled unfit by CPS, so she went to her maternal grandmother. The New Girl was residing with the maternal grandmother when Maternal Grandmother was pulled over by the police for driving into oncoming traffic. The New Girl was in the car. Maternal Grandmother was on drugs, given a DUI, and charged with drug paraphernalia due to having needles and other such things in the vehicle. The New Girl was in the car. I repeated that sentence so you might see how upsetting it is that the second third adult responsible for protecting The New Girl's life also failed her and put her in serious danger. So that day The New Girl was placed with a Safety Plan. I would like to point out how NONE of these people, from the family members to the safety plan person, had to have finger prints done or background checks or child abuse and neglect clearances or even have their home inspected for even the bare minimum essentials like you know, a bedroom with bed for a child. Here is where the story gets fuzzy.

I was simply told by the intake/investigative worker that brought The New Girl to my home that "the safety plan fell through" because they/he/she "allowed BioMom to sleep in the same bed as The New Girl" and "BioMom is still on drugs". I was not told who the safety plan was. According to the daycare, it was the stepdad. According to The New Girl who is 3 years old, it was her mommy's male friend. I have no idea why CPS would terminate a bioparents rights only to turn around almost immediately use her household as a safety plan for her own child. It just doesn't make sense on any level to me. Now if time had passed and biomom had changed and gotten clean and so on and so forth, I think a reunification would be great. But to expect the BioMom's boyfriend/husband to not allow her into the home while The New Girl was residing there, isn't that ... odd? Did they really think the BioMom's boyfriend/husband was going to be clean while the BioMom was not?

The intake/investigative worker told me that The New Girl was complaining of her BumBum hurting but that she hadn't looked at it and assumed it was from being constipated. The daycare told me that the stepdad took The New Girl into the bathroom and came out saying The New Girl's BumBum which he said she calls her front parts was red from not wiping properly. Remember the daycare didn't suspect sexual abuse because he didn't look like the kind of person they think would do such a thing. Because you know, all sex offenders go around with flashing warning signs on their forehead. What pisses me off is that an INVESTIGATIVE worker didn't INVESTIGATE! And I called the pediatrician that they require me to take The New Girl to and the soonest they could get us in is today, meaning a week has passed and redness may be gone. I'm sure internal abrasions and things would still be present, but a doctor would need to do a vaginal exam to see that ... and OMG I have never had to deal with a 3 year old getting a vaginal exam. Do they make 3 year old sized speculums? Would a normal ole pediatrician know what to look for anyway, or will we have to visit an OBGYN? I have to take all three kids with me today to the appointment as well, so my stomach is turning.

The New Girl also has a burn on her back. From a hot skillet or an iron or something about 3 or so inches long and very hot.

And there was black stuff in her ear. At first I thought she had fleas in her ear, but it turned out to be dried blood.

Thankfully she doesn't appear to have lice, but her hair is a rats nest of a mess and I'm not allowed to get it cut without BioFamily's approval which has to go through a worker and we still don't have a worker, so ....

The New Girl has a healthy appetite, as most foster kids do, and seems to never get enough to eat. She said she puts herself to bed every night. When I asked how she knew it was time to go to sleep she said "When it gets dark outside." I asked where she sleeps and she said "With Marley and Momma or with MommaHolly*". MommaHolly is the internet version of the name of the Maternal Grandmother. The New Girl is very independent. She dresses and undresses herself, buckles her own seatbelt, brushes her own teeth, draws her own bathwater and bathes herself, gets herself up and ready in the morning, and puts herself to bed at night. She is having to learn how to have a parent take care of her. She resisted having a bedtime story read to her at first, but now she tolerates it. She allows me to comb her hair but screams that I'm hurting her. She said she had never had her hair combed or brushed before. It shows.

The New Girl loves her new pajamas. We gave her three pair of footed PJs and then bought her a nightgown from the WalMart voucher ($75 if you wanted to know). She asked if she could take the PJs home when she goes back and I said "Yes, of course, they are yours now." She smiled the biggest smile when I told her all those clothes and shoes in her closet were hers now and she could take all them back home with her. I don't think she has much that is truly hers. She talks about having toys over at Savannah* & Augusta's* house (I think they are cousins) but she doesn't seem to discern what is hers versus what is theirs.

She sits still when she has to, like at an appointment or waiting in line, but if we are home she flits from thing to thing and prefers to go outside and play. When it rained this weekend, she spent a large amount of the day standing at the doorway, face pressed into the glass door looking outside. Sunday was the first time she came up to me seeking physical affection. Normally when I hug her she pulls away and looks at me weird. She has started calling me mom, both because the other kids call me that plus she can't say my name. She speaks as if she has been spoken to in babyspeak, which BTW, people shouldn't even do to babies but that's a whole 'nother soapbox.

The other time we had a placement of younger kids, it was much harder. Their behavior was difficult, dealing with the worker was unpleasant, and the impact on The Daughter was more negative. This placement is hard but in a different way. It is more emotional. I want to protect her with the ferociousness of a Mama Bear. I don't want to see her have to go back to those incompetent poor excuse for parental figures, but I know that it is all she has ever known and she wants to be with her family. This is the first case I've had where the case plan includes reunification with BioGrandma or bio anybody really. Technically BabyBoy's case plan was to find a relative placement, but it was obvious early on that either nobody was going to step forward or none of them were fit. The other cases had as a goal either Adoption or Independent Living. By far the easiest placements, in my opinion, are teenage girls and newborns of either gender.

*all names changed

Tornado number ... Oh, I've lost count already

I thought it was just a thunder storm although the lighting did concern me. When we went through the really bad tornado back in '95 the lighting was like a strobe light so when it does that, I typically assume there is a tornado. Except for last night. I was too busy getting the kids in bed, doing laundry, sweeping the floor, filling out school paperwork, and planning the next day. Then I sat down and turned on the TV to watch Brothers & Sisters and the weather was on. They were saying "rotation in Name of My Community and in the Name of My Parent's Community" to which I immediately called my parents to alert them, figuring they were already in bed. They were up and had already been called by a family friend about a death down the road from where they live. The tornado hit only a specific street in their community and killed someone living in a trailer. Why tornadoes will leave a whole field of cattle completely untouched but zero in on someone living in a mobile home is beyond me, but sadly a woman died and her husband is in the hospital. Here in the community where we live, just across the street actually, a tornado ripped through two barns. I counted only 7 horses this morning where there was 8, but maybe they sold one or something. It is completely random, the finger of destruction from a tornado, completely random.

Under My Umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh

Gosh that song is stuck in my head!

I guess a more accurate title would be:

A day in the life of a stay at home foster mom
OR
A long ass complaint that will bore you to tears

Shall we reminisce about the past few days? Wednesday The Daughter went back to school after being out for two days due to a throat infection with fever. I volunteered at her school and all was right in the world. Well except for the fact that I'm coughing like an old lady who has smoked a pack or ten every day for the past 80 years, and when I sneeze, which is often, big snot nuggets come shooting out like rockets, my eyes are so watery that I can't see and appear to be crying, which I almost feel like doing because my body hurts so bad I'm beginning to wonder if I don't have the flu or something. Seriously there is a fire in my chest and my legs just ran a marathon without me realizing it. Anyway, Wednesday afternoon we got a new addition. She is 3 years old and quite energetic. I had to clean out the closet that I was using in order to give her space for her things, although she came with only the clothes on her back plus 3 toys, a toothbrush, and an outfit that CPS gave her. I went through storage tubs and pulled out a closet full of clothes and shoes for The New Girl that The Daughter had outgrown. Somehow I was able to find time to feed & bathe the kids and help with The Daughter's massive amount of catch-up homework and get them in bed somewhat on time.

Unfortunately I couldn't go to bed on time because all those clothes & shoes from the old closet were piled onto my bed along with the craft & holiday stuff that was also stashed in my old closet. The Husband's things are taking up the master bedroom's closet but since he isn't around, isn't going to be around, and hasn't called us not once all week indicating he doesn't give a rats ass, I figured why not have a bonfire or at least a yard sale, right? Around 11:30 or so I got my shit compacted in that tiny ass space left in the master bedroom closet and was able to hit the sack. Until midnight when The New Girl fell out of the bed with a thud and The Daughter woke up crying saying her ear hurt. So I was up for the rest of the night with a crying kid and nothing I did seemed to alleviate the pain for her, not ear drops, not warm compresses, not medication, not elevating her head for proper sinus drainage into her stomach making her queasy instead, nothing. At dawn she finally fell asleep from exhaustion.

Six thirty in the freaking morning the home phone started ringing, and then the cell phone rang. I answered it to find the foster parent association president telling me that the day's budget meeting which was set for 10am had been canceled. That was fine by me since I now had to take The Daughter back to the pediatrician. She also said the upcoming board meeting was still on but that I might have to run it since she may not be back in time, also fine by me. She made sure to let me know that I wasn't to call a vote on our lawn service bids since she is expecting more in the mail and won't be here to bring them to the board meeting. Fine, whatever. Then she apologized for calling so early and said maybe I could go back to sleep now but of course BabyBoy was crying, The Daughter was awake and complaining of pain, and The New Girl was now demanding "real food" for breakfast (not cereal or poptarts which is what I offered first). Great way to start the day.

Our house phone rules are 8am to 8pm, anything after that or before that and you better prepare for a smack down unless it is a true emergency. The president had a legit reason and all, but it still annoyed me. Foster Daughter #1 used to have a friend who called at 7:59pm and would say "But it's not 8pm yet!" Made me want to wring her neck.

So I made egg sandwiches and called the pediatrician to find out if the antibiotic The Daughter was already on would cover an ear infection, if that was in fact what was wrong with her, and if not, did I need to bring her in to the office or would they just call in the new Rx. After being on hold for what seemed like eons, they were kind enough to let me leave a message for the doc's nurse. I was told they could only call me at home, not on my cell, so we were chained to the house until the pediatrician's nurse had a free minute to call back. This meant I couldn't leave to take The New Girl to daycare. I needed her to go to daycare so that I could take The Daughter (and drag along BabyBoy) to the doc's office if needed and to the grocery store and several other places. But we stayed home and waited, and waited, and waited until two hours before the office was to close when I finally got angry enough to call them back, and they were all "Oh, we called in the script at lunch." Gee, thanks for the heads up lady, didn't have anything to do today since I'm just a SAHM and all. With less than an hour of sleep, and having spent seven hours doing household chores & corralling kids while waiting on the call back, I then had to take the kids with me on errands. Navigating Wally Hell is NOT FUN with three kids in tow, not fun!

Pharmacy Tech: Name and date of birth?
Me: The Daughter's name August 2003
Pharmacy Tech: *looks confused* Are you sure?
Me: yes
Pharmacy Tech: But you don't look that young.
Me: *stares in disbelief*

Only after I got home did I think of a clever retort
Me: Funny, you don't look that stupid

The kids were misbehaving so badly that we had to leave early without getting everything on the list. At one point BabyBoy was making such a tantrum noise that one hoochy mama said at me, not to me, "I know she didn't just slap that baby." Her ass cheeks were hanging out of her shorts but she was judging me. The store employees with little ear pieces began following me around. If anyone would have thought to ask, or even to observe before passing judgment, they would have noticed that BabyBoy wanted the grocery list and when I wouldn't give it to him, he would scream bloody murder. He is very dramatic, prone to tantrums when he doesn't get his way, and is also pretty impulsive and persistent. Every few seconds he would reach again for the list and each time I would pull it away and each time he would scream and thrash about in the shopping cart, fighting the seat belt, drawing attention and apparently making people think I was beating him. After paying for what little we did manage to get, I hurried out to the momvan and accidentally chipped some paint with the shopping cart. Great, now it'll rust.

We got home and The New Girl and The Daughter tore off the blue part of the trampoline and pulled out the padding and then tore it to shreds like confetti. The New Girl has talked The Daughter into doing several things that she knows is not right. She has been here for less than 48 hours and already done a hundred dollars worth of damage. But we do this for the money, right. Ha ha, laughing all the way to the bank.

Expected The Husband to come home this weekend, so sent him a text asking him to pick up cotton balls for The Daughter's ear drops since I forgot them in the earlier fiasco and he texted back "News Flash: working Friday and Saturday" which meant he wasn't coming home. Not coming home next weekend either. That means all those repairs from the storms fall on me. Fun fun.

Finally got a minute to get online and check email and the foster association president apparently got together with everyone EXCEPT me and changed the date for the board meeting. The Daughter has two activities that day and I won't be able to attend the board meeting. If I were to give in to tendencies of paranoia, I might think they were trying to prevent me from attending the meeting, what with not including me in the planning even though I'm both a board member and the VP of the association and the fact that my father was placing the lowest bid for the lawn service for the resource center. My guess is that they had someone else in mind and can't vote for that person with me present at the meeting. The president has now decided that she wants to keep the person who was doing the lawn service (she also sent an email saying this) and I find issues with that, both morally and legally. You can't advertise that you are openly accepting bids on a job and then say oh well, I've decided to ignore the bids and choose whoever the hell I want without regard to cost or what other members of the association want or think. Yes, I am PMSing, why do you ask?

Today I picked The Daughter up from school and she almost immediately started crying and saying "BabyBoy is smiling at me! I don't want him to smile at me!" Waaaaahhhhh Then BabyBoy can't keep up with the older kids so he gets frustrated and starts crying. Waaaaaahhhhh And after The New Girl hit The Daughter with the swing and The Daughter told on her, I said "We don't hit in our family. Okay?" The New Girl after saying "Yes Ma'am" began sobbing uncontrollably. Waaaahhhhh And then I had a complete come apart. Waaaahhhhh. The End.

Kickin' it Prairie Style

Think Little House on the Prairie, minus the dad. And add the movie twister. And change the location to the south. Yep, we've been without electricity. The horror! The worst part other than eating nothing but tuna and crackers or peanut butter and crackers and taking cold showers or having to stink or not being able to wash dishes or laundry or watch TV to find out what the weather is doing or having sick children (yes, AGAIN) and taking temperatures and administering medication via candle light or realizing that you may have an unhealthy addiction to electricity and the internet, the absolute worst thing is having to hold a flashlight with your teeth while fumbling in the dark to change the runniest poop explosion diaper ever. GROSS

The hail storm came with a tornado which was photographed in the air just down the street a ways, but didn't touch down here. It did do a good bit of damage in the north eastern part of this county. The hail storm damaged our roof on the back deck, but we figured we could just replace it without filing an insurance claim. Afterall the people whose boathouses and adjoining land & mansions were damaged far worse. Thankfully nobody was hurt. Then without warning we got another round of bad weather, first attributed to a gravity wind or gravity wave or somethingorother and now said to also have included a small tornado. The sirens didn't go off and those who had power said the weather radar on TV showed only green for rain. This was Sunday night into early morning Monday. Again the most damage was down on and around the lake, but some up here on the mountain were also hit. Our pool fence was broken and the roof lost many of its shingles so we're getting a new roof (with an increase in insurance rates, I'm sure). Most of the schools shut down Monday and some are still shut down today, but not where The Daughter goes ... nope, they had school as usual. Because she was sick we headed out to the doctor instead of the school, but there were trees down over our driveway so I had to deal with that first. Today begins The Quest for a Good roofie Roofer Who Does Quality Work in a Timely Manner and Will Guarantee the Work for at Least Five Years. You know, like someone you would see on Little House on the Prairie.

Spring Storms

Spring in the South = Tornadoes (and hail and subsequent damage)





Minimal damage here locally, thankfully, but other locations weren't as lucky.

Easter Bunny Gift Ideas

While I love me some candy, especially chocolate, it seems that the holidays are overrun with candy and stuffed animals. I have an entire box of stuffed rabbits in the top of the closet because my mom the Easter Bunny was determined to give us one every single year. There was always a rabbit surrounded by gobs and gobs of candy, and sometimes a coloring book and crayons were thrown in to entertain us so we didn't drive our parents crazy while hyped up on sugar. So just in case The Easter Bunny is looking for ideas on what to fill children's baskets with this year, here are some suggestions:

For Baby




For Kids Who Like Art



For Kids That Prefer Toys




For Budding Scientists



For Teens

It's Only Respite

Remember how I mentioned being asked to do respite for a teen girl with some issues(scroll down to the bottom of the post for mention of respite)? Well, the worker called today and said "I was told by X person to call you regarding RespiteGirl. I don't really know what you would need to know about her, it's only respite." Because you know, in a weeks time NOTHING harmful could happen. Having a person stay with you for a week doesn't mean you need to know anything about said person. *rolls eyes* I hope, for both our sakes, that that particular worker and I never have to work together for an extended period of time.

As if that didn't tick me off enough, the dates are from April 9th through April 12th. Yes, you read that right ... Easter weekend. Which just so happens to also be the weekend that I am going with Paprika's mom and The Daughter's teacher to see a show at the theater. It will also be the first weekend in three weeks that The Husband will be coming home, which means we have a list a mile long of tasks to accomplish while he is here including home repairs, paperwork, lawyer visits, etc with only two days to complete them. This on top of our normal Easter activities such as dyeing eggs, dinner with extended family, easter bunny gifts, hiding and hunting eggs, and dressing up for pictures.

I don't understand why someone couldn't have given me the dates earlier. Is it that they know it will be hard to find respite over a holiday weekend so they wait until after you feel committed before revealing the dates? The last time we did respite it was over Mother's Day weekend. Those two girls with accompanying voracious appetites, while energetic and a tad annoying, didn't have issues yet they were a handful. This girl is more than a handful. Her worker said she isn't currently in a therapeutic foster home, but they are trying to find her one. The current foster family cannot handle her but I'm supposed to handle her over a holiday weekend because "it's only respite". So what if I have to cancel all my plans (that were made months ago - tickets paid for in advance & reservations made for fancy restaurant), post pone celebrating our family stuff until next weekend (doesn't matter if MY family is inconvenienced), and become completely exhausted from it all, it's just respite afterall, shouldn't I be glad that I don't have to deal with it all the time*.

*I am in awe of families that do deal with it all the time. You rock and I admire you! I know it's not easy and that you need breaks. I am so sorry that I don't feel capable of providing those breaks for you. I will totally support you in other ways, promise!

Movie Night

There's no sense in calling it Date Night when it's just me watching some movies alone, right? So I have decided to start calling it Movie Night unless I can think of something more clever in the future. Anyway, I watched Penelope and Changeling this week. Penelope was cute in a modern day fairy tale kind of way. I liked the message that what mattered most was that she liked herself. Changeling on the other hand was unnerving. I can't imagine what it would be like to have one of my kids go missing and then have the authorities treat the whole thing so poorly. And the movie is based on a true story!

Homevisit # 14

You know you're getting comfortable with a worker when you eat tuna right before she comes over and you don't even apologize when she walks in the door. Instead you just let her suffer the smell and laugh at the thought of her talking about you later.

BabyBoy has been with us now almost 14 months. Technically April 20th will mark the official fourteen month point. He is still a very happy baby. He walks more than he crawls now but climbs more than anything. He climbs onto one item of furniture to reach another piece of furniture and then gets up in the window, or he will climb up the book shelves, or climb onto the toilet in order to reach all the washcloths and eat the soap. The only words he says are MaMa and DaDa. If he wants more of something he will say MaMa. If he wants his diaper changed, he will say MaMa. But if the phone rings, he immediately starts chanting DaDa DaDa DaDa.

I can tell him No or NoNo and he will shake his head from side to side but reach and get whatever anyway all while looking directly into my eyes. You can tell him ByeBye and he will start waving both hands to tell you bye, or if he wants to go too he will reach up for you to pick him up. If there is anything he enjoys more than climbing, it's playing with his privates. Does not matter if those privates are covered in stinky mushy poop, his little hand goes south anyway and has a field day. BabyBoy also likes to dance and will begin bouncing up and down when he hears any kind of music. He has the most infectious laugh and the cutest smile with deep dimples on both cheeks. He spontaneously falls into your arms and goes "Mmmm Mmmm" in order to give you a hug. It makes up for all the times he scratches, pushes, hits, squirms, and fusses. And gosh has he been fussy. With 10 teeth already, he is now getting another set of molars and apparently they have been bothering him. At least he is no longer being clingy.

Back in January we had the second TPR hearing where the birth parents relinquished their rights. At the February homevisit I didn't really expect anything to be done yet, but at the March homevisit I learned that the CPS lawyer had yet to file the petition for adoption. The worker asked the GAL about doing it and while its not his job, he finally took the initiative to get it done because this new CPS lawyer is umm how to put it tactfully, still getting the hang of things. After the petition gets filed which should have been yesterday or at next week's court date, then the birth parents have 15 days to appeal. After that, the case is staffed to an adoption worker and our regular worker will cease to be involved. Technically the petition should have already been filed, but even with the delays this case is moving faster than most.

Children are NOT their labels, but labels ARE relevant

I understand why some people are hesitant to diagnose small children and children in foster care. I understand that they are afraid, and sometimes rightly so, that applying labels and/or diagnosis to these children will stigmatize them for life possibly hindering their placement with a forever family. It is important to diagnose though so that these very children can get the help they need. It is also very relevant to mention behaviors and diagnosis to potential foster/adoptive placements. I'm not trying to imply that foster/adoptive families are saint like or free of their own issues and diagnosis, what I am saying is that I am in favor of an informed consent of sorts. A foster/adoptive family should be able to make the decision to accept or not accept what they can handle. This isn't an option for bio family members of course, you get what you get and you deal with it the best you can.

My rant is about how so many serious issues are minimized and often times not even mentioned so that a worker can finalize a placement and head on home herself. Social Work is a hard ass job and I imagine it is pretty thankless and in general our local workers rock, so this isn't a SW bashing post by any means. I do think that if every worker had to foster for about two years prior to becoming a SW that things would go significantly different than they currently do. Ideally during this two years the worker would have to accept, with only 5 to 15 minutes notice, a host of issues including RAD, ODD, Conduct Disorder, and other mental, physical, emotional, and behavioral issues. To keep them on their toes, they wouldn't be told of any of the diagnosis until after the child had been with them overnight. Because that is the scariest thing ... sleeping with a complete stranger in the house, one who may or may not be violent, angry, or mentally ill.

I'm all riled up because of a call I got today and I'm still running on adrenaline so I'm going to be all wordy. The weather is leaning toward tornadic activity so the schools let out early and I had just picked up The Daughter when CPS called. I love the lady who called me and she told me some of the background on the kid but didn't know it all so she told the supervisor of the case to call me. I did tell the first lady that I was uncomfortable taking a teenage boy, period. The problem was that many people were refusing to take him due to his race. This is the south and unfortunately there are a lot of people who are racist and prejudiced. This is also the bible belt and I suppose I'm the only one who sees the irony in that, but I digress.

Sixteen year old boy has a history of theft and truancy and running away and stuff (all minor things that I can handle). The second lady who called said he was "polite" saying "yes ma'am and no ma'am" and that his only request when they took him to WalMart to purchase clothing was that he wanted an art sketch pad (how many of my deadbeat cousins are uber polite to authority's face but uber defiant once they turn their back? all of them!). He likes to write poetry and watch NBA. Cool, sounds like he would fit fine if he doesn't mind sleeping in a pink bedroom with pink sheets until we can change it all. No history of violence or being inappropriate with kids, great. Went through a group home treatment center thingy and graduated the program, fine but that just means he tolerated the counseling and probably learned new bad behaviors while there. I mentioned at least four or five times how uncomfortable I was as a single-ish mom with two small children taking in a 16 year old male. He'll be in the Independent Living Program (ILP) and will stay in foster care until he ages out because his grandma doesn't want to deal with him anymore. Then I asked about his schooling and psych eval ... that's when it got interesting.

Oh, he just takes Seroquel to help him sleep. Really? Cause my schizophrenic sister takes Seroquel. And what's that other med for? Oh, ADHD? So he is hyper? I see, you think in the past few hours you've spent with him while he was medicated that he doesn't have ADHD or ADD but was misdiagnosed by a professional with experience in such things. Gottcha. Could it be that the meds were working to calm him, maybe? Oh, and Conduct Disorder? Hmmm, you think that was the label they slapped on him because he happened to steal a little iPod and Mp3 player and all that other stuff? Yeah, I'm sure Conduct Disorder means nothing, you're right. He's just a typical teenage boy, completely harmless.

What is conduct disorder? Children with conduct disorder repeatedly violate the personal or property rights of others and the basic expectations of society. A diagnosis of conduct disorder is likely when symptoms continue for 6 months or longer. Conduct disorder is known as a "disruptive behavior disorder" because of its impact on children and their families, neighbors, and schools.
Symptoms of conduct disorder include:

* Aggressive behavior that harms or threatens other people or animals;
* Destructive behavior that damages or destroys property;
* Lying or theft;
* Truancy or other serious violations of rules;

So she wanted me to say yes or no and this is all within 15 minutes of first being called by the first lady, and I was driving! I hate when people drive and talk on the cell phone and there I was doing it, ugh! She needed an answer because they were going to have to appoint someone to stay at CPS overnight with him if I didn't say yes. If I would just keep him overnight, I might see how great he is and want to keep him (like a puppy?). But if I could keep him until Monday they were sure they could find him a permanent group home, its just all the ones they've called so far said no because of his involvement with the criminal justice system.

All the while I couldn't wait to get home and look in my books about conduct disorder. I was almost certain that back in college in all my psychology classes, that was a pretty serious diagnosis. In Forensic Psychology (my most favorite class EVAR) I distinctly remember reading Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Robert D Hare, PhD and one of those early warning signs was an ODD and later Conduct Disorder diagnosis. Being charming and polite but harmful are par for the course. I so wished I didn't have to make such a rash decision. If they had had him all day, why didn't they call me earlier? They knew after court they would need a placement for him, why wait until closing time to begin calling foster parents? Why not give me time to think without stress and make an informed decision? So I asked what happens to him if I say no and they told me someone would have to stay overnight with him in their office at CPS. So I said yes, he can come here and stay until Monday when they promised to get him into a group home, but anyone with experience knows really means he'll be here for the next few years. I called The Husband kind of panicky and rambling and talking far too loud and after accidentally cutting off the phone call, tried calling him back and he wouldn't answer so I must have interrupted his work. But then the first lady calls me back and says "Great news. We have another placement for him." Just like that. She said that she forgot about my husband not being here and when Lady #2 told her, she said that teen boy didn't need to be here then. Apparently there was some issue about potential harmful behavior ... or something. Nice, huh?

I felt forced and coerced and resentful at having to say yes to a placement that made me uncomfortable and then just like that they get another placement for him, one that they hadn't been able to get a mere 25 minutes earlier. Amazing.

Never once was I allowed to come down and meet him myself before giving an answer. How hard would that be really, to allow placements to meet first. Wouldn't that potentially prevent disruptions?

But anyway, my rant was about the label/diagnosis. They don't define the person, not at all. Depression doesn't define someone any more than Diabetes or any other mental or physical condition, but it is part of the person and while the worker may not find it relevant, the foster family might.

And then they asked me to do respite for a teen girl with ODD "and some other diagnosis" because her current foster family doesn't want to take her on their upcoming vacation. The worker said "You know how teens get comfortable with you and start being bossy and defiant. That's how she is, nothing abnormal really." Again with the minimizing! She is in a therapeutic foster home which means her issues are severe enough to not be placed in a non-therapeutic home. Why not just call and say "Do you feel capable of doing respite for a difficult to handle child with XYZ?" Be upfront so that I can make an informed decision. Please.

DISCLAIMER: I am fully aware that other single parents have taken on more children with multiple diagnosis. I think they rock! I am fully aware that these issues are minimal to what some others face. The diagnosis may very well have been made by an inexperienced but label happy doctor. I am fully aware that judgment may befall me for not feeling that I can adequately meet certain children's needs.

Vanity Schmanity

Last night as I was taking a picture, okay pictures plural, of myself The Daughter inquired about what odd thing I was up to now. I explained that I was taking a picture of my hair because I thought it looked pretty today. You know good hair days are rare 'round these here parts 'n all. She replied that it did look pretty, but she added, it would be neat if I had a hair style. I said hopefully, "You mean hair spray?" to which she firmly insisted "No, I mean a hair style. You know when you style your hair a certain way." Apparently that trip to the salon a couple of weeks ago was a complete waste of money.

In a horrible coincidence, I didn't comb style her hair this morning before school because we were running late as usual. Only I forgot today was Kindergarten cap & gown pictures. Honest to goodness it was just a bad coincidence. I swear!

Wordless Wednesday: Mimosa

Help identify last weeks WW or check out older wordless posts.