About Baby Boy's TPR

I may end up taking this post down later but anyway I'm addressing a comment left on the Termination post.

LK,

First they are real parents, not fake, but I think I understand what you meant in your comment.

I felt they were being pressured and told them so. I also told them that I think Baby Boy would rather hear the story about how his birth parents kept fighting for him rather than the story of how they voluntarily gave up their rights. I kept saying "Go in there and ask again for a court appointed lawyer."

The birth parents started bringing up all the stuff from years ago in another county with their other kids citing it as why they will never get Baby Boy back. I pointed out how that was in the past and they should be doing what this county required of them which was: 1) parenting classes (they went to only two) 2)anger management classes for dad (he refused to go to them because he went 5 years ago in another county on the case with their other 4 kids 3)mental health (which they couldn't afford so didn't go) 4) color code drug testing program for dad (dad failed or came back diluted and then stopped going before he could miss enough times that they fined him or whatever - he now claims to be clean but was not tested in court - besides his drug of choice is marijuana which is minor compared to the hard core stuff)

and they were required to show proof of 1)having adequate housing (they were living with birth dad's mom then he was caught stealing and taking her medication so she was moved into a nursing home because she has terminal cancer, then birth dad fell asleep smoking and burned the place down, then they slept on couches of friends, then moved in with someone who was going to let them take over the lease and I don't know what happened with that situation but they are back to staying with yet again another friend on the couch) 2)having gainful employment (birth mom was not working when she gave birth and has gone through 3 fast food jobs in 11 months and is now working as a waitress - birth dad was not working at baby boy's birth and has had only one short term fast food job since) 3)having means of transportation (they buy a used vehicle each time they get their taxes done and within a few months it breaks down and they can't afford to get it repaired so they walk, hitchhike, or bum rides from friends)

At Baby Boy's birth, birth mom was arrested for multiple charges related to checks. Not her checks, stolen and forged checks. She still has that case open and said she was paying her fines off monthly, but didn't bring proof to court (they didn't bring any proof of anything to court).

At the 72 hour court hearing CPS asked for and received No Reasonable Efforts which means they did not have to pay for any of the classes and such for the birth parents. The other case that was at that time still open on their other kids had been going on for 9 years. So for nine years CPS had been paying for the birth parents to take all the classes, providing money and transportation, lawyers for court, help with visitation, etc (and the parents weren't going regularly and/or didn't complete the courses). The birth parents for that nine years had not decided to get clean and do the right thing so CPS decided that 9 years was enough and they would no longer pay for anything for the birth parents. That is what the No Reasonable Efforts was for. They would still work with the birth parents, but the birth parents had to pay for their own classes and transportation and such. And gosh forbid, they had to actually take initiative. It also meant that they didn't have to allow visits (I did not agree with this decision as I think even if there is no way the child is going back home to birth parents, s/he still needs to visit with birth family in order to get to know them or keep some semblance of a tie to them). I should state that the birth parents were advised to file for a court appointed lawyer at the 72 hour hearing. They did file for the next court date and were denied because they already had a court appointed lawyer in the other county with their other 4 kids (that case is now closed and the kid's adoptions are finalized).

The first 3 kids were picked up because of domestic violence, child abuse, etc. The 4th kid was taken at the hospital because she tested positive for drugs. She continues to have serious medical issues as a result of the in utero drug cocktail that birth mom sustained herself on. Birth dad shot the radiator out of a CPS vehicle. He made threats against the lives of the foster family. He hid in the bushes at the foster families house and would jump out and wave to the kids getting on the school bus. He would try to check them out of school. They would often not show up for scheduled visits. They did not have a home nor a job nor a vehicle.

The 4th kid was only 2 months old when birth mom got pregnant with the 5th which is Baby Boy. Remember that birth mom was on drugs with #4 and most likely wasn't completely clean only two months afterwards. She admits to smoking cigarettes the entire pregnancy with Baby Boy, but says that she stopped doing drugs for him. Baby Boy tested negative but he weighed 4lbs 13oz full term. At just a couple of weeks of age he had to go into the hospital for 6 days.

Again, birth mom was arrested at the hospital and couldn't care for Baby Boy. Birth dad tested positive for drugs therefore couldn't care for Baby Boy. I'm not saying that I agree with him being taken from the hospital. I have a cousin who is so similar to this, but her child wasn't taken because she had family bail her out.

Anyway, Baby Boy was only supposed to be with us overnight or at most a couple of days until they could get him moved into the other county with his siblings. That foster family said they couldn't take him. They have 4 of his siblings, three of which have medical issues and are in and out of the hospital frequently, plus their own bio children so they decided that their house is full, their income is maxed out, and physically & emotionally they couldn't deal with another child who most likely will have medical issues. So then CPS started looking for a relative placement. The rule was that it had to be an actual relative, not someone who you considered family but wasn't really kin. They brought two people to court that turned out to be friends, not relatives. Then they gave a list of relatives all of whom CPS contacted. All but one said no. The one that said yes didn't fill out paperwork, didn't come to court, and didn't answer the phone or return calls. CPS started going out to their house because I encouraged them to hurry and find Baby Boy a family member before I got too attached. The relative said she was interested but she still hadn't talked to her boyfriend and they had just gotten on their feet and were living with his mom and he was a truck driver and she liked to ride with him so they weren't home much, but she said she would talk to her boyfriend and then return the paperwork which was hand delivered to her in addition to being mailed to her. Eleven months went by and she never replied. She was notified of every court date but never came. I asked the birth parents for information on their parents, their siblings, someone who might could take Baby Boy but they said they were both the black sheep of the family and so nobody would take their kids. I felt sorry for them a little, but even at the last TPR hearing I still encouraged them to ask birth mom's parents or her brother but she said she didn't want to ask them. CPS said they couldn't investigate a relative placement unless the birth parents give them the information for the individual. So sad.

So what Baby Boy's GAL said to the Birth Parents was "Realistically you aren't going to get him back. Are you fighting for yourselves or are you fighting for him? You have to ask yourself what is in the best interest of Baby Boy." And then birth dad asked me what I stood to gain from all of this. He thought we would get money, but we don't since Baby Boy is a while male and isn't being adopted with his siblings. So I told birth dad about my fertility problems, how I've always wanted to be a mom, how parenting is more important to me than birthing children, how I intended to foster their child, not take him, but how I have grown attached to him and love him and that joy is exactly what not only me but my whole family would gain from adopting Baby Boy. My parents, my grandmother, my sister, and mostly my bio daughter are all very attached to Baby Boy. He will be very loved and well taken care of. I don't know what all the GAL said to them behind closed doors before they called me into the room. I do know that after he left the three of us sat and cried and hugged and talked. While Baby Boy is still in foster care, I can't go against what they say which is that the birth parents can't have visitation, but once he is adopted we can keep in touch with the birth parents. I suggested we meet once per month at a fast food indoor playplace and spend a few hours together. They agreed. I said the only reason I would stop having these visits would be if they got all strung out on drugs and were endangering Baby Boy (they will never be left alone with him, but I don't want to subject him to drugs). I worry that by the time the adopt is finalized, that the birth parents will have a new cell phone number and a new couch to sleep on and I won't be able to find them. I will drive all around their city if I have to, but they have already been through multiple residences and phone numbers so I'm just being realistic. And I feel that they were just being realistic in relinquishing their parental rights. Realistically they can't provide for Baby Boy. Heck they are barely surviving themselves. They haven't even followed up a court appointed attorney by calling the court house and asking if they got one or if they filled the paperwork out correctly or if they can meet with someone. They don't call CPS and ask how Baby Boy is doing nor do they ask for a visit at holidays. They could have represented themselves that day in court and pleaded for another continuation and then attempted to fight it all, drawing out over years, still not having visitation with Baby Boy, and still never doing enough to get him back. That's the main point ... still never doing enough to get him back & still not being stable enough to take care of a child. So realistically this way he is at least getting permanency in a timely fashion. And, they will finally get to see him. I'm sure it was the hardest thing they have ever done.

Claiming foster kids on your taxes

This is always a topic that comes up during our January - April foster parent association meetings. Every year there are birth parents who claim their birth kids on their taxes even though the foster family had them the entire year (or for the past 3 years). According to the IRS rules, a foster family can claim a foster child as their own dependent if s/he lived with them (and the foster family provided support for the child) for more than half the year (183 days). This includes any time a child might temporarily be absent from the home while receiving inpatient treatment or education so long as they will be coming back to the foster family after completing treatment/education/therapy/etc. Every year it seems some foster parents have to submit copies of paperwork including a court order placing the child in their care at least 6 months and 1 day ago. From the IRS website:

Qualifying Child
There are five tests that must be met for a child to be your qualifying child. The five tests are: Relationship, Age, Residency, Support, and Special test for qualifying child of more than one person.

Relationship Test - To meet this test, a child must be:
Your son, daughter, stepchild, foster child, or a descendant (for example, your grandchild) of any of them, or
Your brother, sister, half brother, half sister, stepbrother, stepsister, or a descendant (for example, your niece or nephew) of any of them.

Adopted child. An adopted child is always treated as your own child. The term “adopted child” includes a child who was lawfully placed with you for legal adoption.

Foster child. A foster child is an individual who is placed with you by an authorized placement agency or by judgment, decree, or other order of any court of competent jurisdiction.

And they go on to talk about the other requirements, including the Tie Breaker Rule which tells who gets to claim the child if more than one individual attempts to claim him/her on their taxes. And this is where I would recommend you hire a professional to do your taxes. Or you could just not make a big fuss about it and let the birth parent pretend they actually took care of the child have the money.

*Edited to add a link to tax info via the National Foster Parent Association's website.

The NFPA's 2009 information on claiming foster kids on your taxes. See pages 10 & 11 specifically.

Termination

Over 5 hours in the sick child waiting room at the pediatrician's office on Sunday holding a fussy, squirming baby and trying to comfort a sick 5 year old with a temp of 102+. The Daughter had been sick since Friday when we picked her up from school but we thought it might just be a cold and was taking the i suck as a parent approach Wait and See Approach. We were surrounded by kids, lots of them, that had their own plethora of germs to spread. And of course now Baby Boy is also sick as am I, so I'm gonna attempt to make this a quick post so that I can get in bed and get some rest (was that a run-on sentence i'm too tired to tell). The Daughter has been sleeping very little, hallucinating more than I care for, and basically not allowing me to sleep even half as much as she. But anyway ...

Today was Baby Boy's 2nd TPR hearing. I was nervous and wanted to post about it earlier but felt it best to wait and just post results. So long story short, the parents voluntarily gave up parental rights under the condition that we would be the ones adopting him. I of course promised to adopt Baby Boy. After the adoption is complete we will have visits once per month at a neutral location so that Baby Boy can get to know his birth parents (he has not previously had visits with them and he has been with us since he was two days old). They incorrectly filled out their paperwork requesting a court appointed attorney therefore they didn't get one (and didn't call to ask if they got a lawyer). They are again homeless, transportationless, still haven't done the classes and stuff that was required, and while Birth Mom is currently working as a waitress, Birth Dad doesn't work. He was at a fast food restaurant and he said the winter months brought business to a slow so he got laid off. Because people don't eat tacos in the winter. The GAL advised them that realistically they weren't going to get him back, so after we all talked they decided to relinquish their rights (which had to be hard since their other 4 kid's adoptions were finalized this month, and now they are loosing the 5th as well). There were lots of tears and hugs. And a bunch of other stuff I'll talk about some other day.

Now we wait on people to push some paper and play with red tape and coordinate schedules and watch time tick by and then ... we get to adopt Baby Boy! My heart is happy.

Baby Steps

Baby Boy took his first unassisted steps today! And I missed it. He is 11 months and 6 days old. The Husband had something in his hand that Baby Boy wanted and he took a step or two to get it. Later I tried to get Baby Boy to walk to me but he wouldn't. I did finally get to see him walk to The Husband again, two steps!

Want to have the beach all to yourself?

If you want to have the beach all to yourself, go when it's 20 degrees out. We figured we would be the only people stupid enough to go to the beach in below freezing temps, but no, there was a guy IN the water surfing. Now that's loco!

We went to swim in the heated hotel pool but alas they closed it early that night so The Daughter "swam" in the bathtub. We ate at what may possibly be the most expensive seafood restaurant evar! Seriously if The Daughter wasn't so hungry (like already having meltdowns) and the first seafood place we drove to wasn't what we expected, we would have said Hell No and bounced. Instead we dropped $30 a person for some shitty buffet food. Later we realized if we would have just went 2 more exits down the road we could have had fresh seafood for less money.

We were finally able to swim in the pool and soak in the hot tub, and we ate good barbecue sandwiches and too many chocolate on chocolate Dunkin Donuts. Most importantly we got to spend time together as a family, which was nice.

The drive there was mostly okay except for it was 9 degrees and the Google Maps directions kinda sucked. The drive back was mostly okay except for it snowed buckets, had to deal with Inauguration traffic, and the kids were fidgety. Map Quest directions saw us home properly.


And then we got home and the front door and side door were unlocked. I checked and double checked everything before we left. The electric heat was turned on, which doesn't work when it's so cold out so we don't use it during the winter. The house smelled like grape soda or grape scented air freshener. There was toilet paper in the master bathroom toilet which I'm almost sure I would have flushed before we left. And there was an unknown cat sleeping on the futon on the enclosed back deck, of which the door was closed and locked. Perhaps I was just being silly, but it felt weird at the time. The police made some rounds down our driveway and my mom came over to help me check everything out. Once we had established there was no boggie man hiding under the bed, we went to sleep. Well, the kids went to sleep (around midnight) and I stayed up all night.

Today I was hoping to wash the salt off the van but it never got above freezing. The pool is frozen, the cats water is frozen, and it's been two weeks since I ordered gas and it still hasn't been delivered.

But The Daughter got to see her daddy and she is still happy from that. Each time we had difficulties finding a location, we would exaggeratedly go on and on about how we were on an adventure. We did our anniversary thing and The Husband & The Daughter played with legos. Good memories.

Only Half Human

The Daughter has to write and/or draw in her journal every day at school and this was one of them from last month. It looks like half human & half long neck dinosaur or something, but it's one of my favorite drawings of hers.

Baby Hey Seuss

You know I just love it when they do stuff like this in a public school. /sarcasm

Plant Needs

Today's high is 32 degrees. Tomorrows high is 19. Is it Spring yet?

The Daughter did this coloring sheet at school recently. Dibels testing is this week and next. Kindergarten students shouldn't be drilled in the way the testing is currently set up. I don't think I could perform well with the stop watch clicking and buzzing at me like that.

Wordless Wednesday

Electing a new Vice President

The reason for the Board of Directors meeting last night was to elect a new VP for the foster parent association. The previous person is no longer a foster parent and the position needed to be filled. I ran for secretary back last year and was doing all the work leading up to the elections (learned the United Way budget paperwork, attended all meetings, gathered all paperwork, volunteered for every damn thing), then at the last minute this other lady said she would run against me (same lady from the RAD kids post). I didn't campaign but she did, so she won. Tonight when the foster parent association president nominated me for vice president, she mentioned how I had ran for secretary and how I clean & organize the resource center and help with foodbank, etc. The secretary went on and on about how she didn't run for secretary, it was just "put on her". She said she didn't want it, wanted it to be given to me, even went so far as to say she did NOT announce during the meeting that she wanted to run for secretary. But the minutes of the meeting say otherwise. It annoyed me. I wish she would admit she wanted the job. She got it, so just own it already. Anyway, I was unanimously voted in as VP. Go me.

Happy Anniversary

Today marks another year married to The Husband. It seems like just yesterday we were consummating our marriage in the court house bathroom. There have certainly been ups and downs, good times and bad, but we’ve always managed to stick it out and for that I am grateful.


I hope this doesn’t embarrass him, but I thought I would talk a little about the sweet things he has done over the years.


I guess I should start with my ring (yes, it needs to be cleaned and polished BADLY). When we got married we exchanged simple wedding bands, but on Valentine’s Day of that same year he surprised me with the ring I had said I wanted. We weren’t living together yet, I was still working out my notice and trying to rent my house and he was still living in the barracks, so I drove the four hours to be with him for the holiday. We stayed in a hotel on post. I had bought him a bunch of those miniature plastic football helmets out of a gumball-type machine. I only stopped feeding it money once I got a Cleveland Browns helmet since that is his favorite team. He was opening them while I was unpacking or something and then he asked me to try to open one of the containers. He claimed he couldn’t get it to open. I should have known then that he was up to something for if he couldn’t open it, I surely couldn’t. Inside was a ring that he had custom made for me, it wasn’t ready on the day we got married, but it was perfect nonetheless.


He used to open doors for me, which was sweet, but I would say that I was a feminist and could open my own doors. Now I’m lucky if he doesn’t knock me down trying to get in the door first.


He carried me over the threshold of our townhouse rental, finally moving in together after being married for three months.


He was supportive in his own way after we lost our first baby. We grieved differently, but I am thankful that we came to understand one another’s sense of loss. Even though he was worried about not having permission to leave, he drove me several hours to the beach just so I could watch the sun rise and hear the relaxing waves crash to shore. He knew it was exactly what I needed after the miscarriage. I don’t know if I ever thanked him for that or let him know just how much it meant to me that he took a risk in order to help me heal.


We went to visit his mom and brother in our first year of marriage and spent two days walking around D.C. He didn’t laugh, to much anyway, when my toenails turned black and fell off from all the walking. Instead he viewed it as a fun story to tell all our friends. I was slightly concerned that he would see it as a sign of weakness. Damn toenails weren’t strong enough! Instead he was good humored and easy going about it. Now two years later when I had the c-section with The Daughter and wasn’t up being chipper and lifting 40 pounds only an hour after the surgery, that was viewed as a sign of weakness. On the up side, it forced me to get up and walk in the hospital, and as soon as we came home I cleaned house and resumed normal activity. We seem to push one another … we are a little competitive.



But talk about sweetness, The Husband took complete care of The Daughter for the three days we were in the hospital. My blood count was extremely low and I spent much of the time sleeping so he took care of her by himself. I didn’t change her diaper for the first time until we were back at home. He did an awesome job and it made me love him deeply, no matter what happens in the future.


We were in a store once and I remarked how I liked a particular mirror as it would go well in the guest bathroom. He later cashed in a mature savings bond (that he had had since college) and surprised me with the mirror. It looks great in the guest bath!



Because we live so far out in the sticks, florist won’t deliver flower arrangements here (food places don’t deliver here either, bummer) so The Husband drew some flowers using the paint program on the computer and emailed it to me saying “Thought you said flowers couldn’t be delivered to the house”. Some might find it cheesy, but I found it thoughtful and creative.



He has always tackled whatever home improvement project that I come up with. He has painted the exterior of the house, built shelving for above the toilet, built a vanity for my makeup, built a wall of bookshelves in the living room, replaced the flooring in several rooms in the house, built a fence around the pool, and tinkered with several other projects.



Growing up his family didn’t really celebrate holidays (no tree at Christmas, no cake on birthdays, no box of chocolates at valentines, no egg dying and hunting at easter, no turkey at thanksgiving) so he views my family’s traditions as excessive, but he mostly plays along anyway. Although he often times rebels and does things his way. That means gifts may not come on the actual holiday but later on when he feels it’s not an expectation. One year in particular on Valentine’s Day he refused to get me anything, as he had done before on other holidays, so I was upset but oh well what can you do. Then later on that week I awoke to pink post-it notes pasted all over the house; a whole pad of them with messages to me from The Husband. There were 100 or so post it notes. Some are pictured here, some are too personal or xrated for my blog, and others are mundane like “thank you for sweeping” and “thank you for mopping” and there are at least three or four that say “thank you for NOT over analyzing these statements”. I keep these notes in my sock drawer and occasionally pull them out to read over. Very sweet gesture.



The Husband is hands down the smartest person I know. He makes a perfect or near perfect score on every test he takes, from military related tests to college tests to IQ tests. Yet most people don’t know that because he is so humble. He’ll listen to others brag about their score all while not revealing that his is higher. If asked he will evade answering, modestly downplay his performance, and then change the subject.


Yet he doesn’t like to read for pleasure. It has to have pictures for him to be interested.



But he often lacks what I would call Common Sense. It makes for some funny moments. That and his clumsy lack of coordination. Imagine how many times he has hurt himself over the years … good times. LOL



And he prefers to work with his hands rather than have an intellectual type job. He choose to go in the Army as enlisted even though he had a degree and could have been an officer. He could have gone into any MOS but he chose something that he wanted to learn more about but didn’t have as much prestige. He doesn’t care for heights, but chose to go jump out of perfectly normal airplanes. He could have gone into a less deployable unit, but chose to volunteer for a hard, always on alert, highly deployable unit that saw action the public doesn’t always know about. He always volunteered for more training, shot perfectly every exercise, and was the go-to person in his unit’s MOS for getting things done.



I affectionately call him Mr Mensa Knuckle Dragger. Or when he does something clumsy or stupid, I just say Way To Go Genius.



He loves sports and is very competitive. He learned how to play in the inner city ghetto so you have to be tough to play against him.



He is like a kid in some ways, able to let go and play with abandon. I like this about him although I sometimes playfully tease him about it.



I like when we get time to play Know It All, Clue, Rummy, Yahtzee, or some other game together. We learned the hard way that we can’t play basketball or tennis together, but we do enjoy running in 5k races together. We do better in extracurricular activities while working as a team rather than competing against one another. I think he would do really well on Survivor.



I enjoy his sense of humor, sometimes getting it, sometimes not, often times rolling my eyes at the cheesiness. He taught me the only joke I can remember well enough to retell. I once had someone tell me that it wasn’t PC and might be offensive to some so I don’t repeat it often, but will here now. “If you are an American when you go into the bathroom and you are an American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are in the bathroom? Drum roll please … European. You’re a peeing.” Get it? HaHaHa See why I roll my eyes at him a lot?



He supported me going back to college, and continues to support me in staying home to raise our kids. I guess I can repay him when he is an incontinent deaf old fart with one foot in the grave. That statement refers to some insider stuff like There was this one time in SERE school, or There was this one time on the way to Kansas, or Have you met my friend, Mr Terry? I can’t remember his first name. Was it by any chance Dysen?



I fell in love with him more than eight years ago, continue to love him, and hope we have many more years together sharing love and creating memories. Happy Anniversary!

A Must Read Post

Torina wrote a post titled Worker Bootcamp that everyone working with the foster care & adoptive system should read. Many of the kids in foster care are like this, it isn't some once-in-a-blue-moon fluke, and so little people have a clue. This kind of hands on training should be part of every GPS class!

Like Mother, Like Daughter

The Daughter is 5 years old and this is something she did at school this week. She seems to have inherited my handwriting, bless her heart.



She got her 2nd report card which is filled with excellent marks and sweet notes from her teacher. She is doing really well and I am incredibly proud of her.

The Daughter appears to be coping better now and has enjoyed going to school all week. The Husband and I worked out a visitation schedule of sorts where he will travel home some and we will travel to him some, which gives The Daughter something to look forward to. Instead of making a long-ass paper chain to mark down the days, she is crossing off days on a calendar. Black X's mark days down and Red Circled days are times she gets to see her dad. This weekend they have talked on the phone and I've put aside household chores in order to spend more time playing with her, keeping her busy so she doesn't miss him as much. Next week is a whirlwind of events, appointments, extra curricular activities, meetings, school stuff, a playdate, and we may get snow!

Monthly Homevisit #11 for BabyBoy

Today Baby Boy's worker came out to see him. I didn't know she was coming today until I checked my email this morning. She had asked what day was good for me and I sent her back several dates and then procedded not to check my email so I didn't get it until today that she was coming at 10am. I hadn't showered, but at least the baby was clean and the house was decent.

We talked a little about the upcoming TPR hearing and a couple of Baby Boy's appointments this month, and the worker got to see how clingy he is being. She gave me a travel letter so that we can visit The Husband this month, and gave permission to get BabyBoy's hair cut. Then she also offered to enroll BabyBoy in daycare part time so that I can get a break while The Husband is away. How awesome is that of her to offer the assistance! We are also eligible for something like 5 days of respite per year, but I don't plan on using it. We did use a medical respite worker for a few hours when BabyBoy was in the hospital for 6 or 7 days. I needed to come home and shower and pack some clothes for the rest of the hospital stay. If that were to happen again we would need to utilize the respite services but otherwise I can handle the kids by myself. Of course my family helps with watching the kids if I have an appointment that they can't attend with me. For example I have a Board of Directors meeting coming up and my Dad will be watching the kids for a couple of hours for me. Anyway, so the homevisit went well.

Do you remember when I mentioned the other day about a call from CPS that left me unable to sleep? Local people now read my blog, so I didn't want to write about it until after the incident was in the news. But it still hasn't been in the news. It was finally on the 10 0'clock news a week after the fact. There was a small child beaten to death by the parents and the other children were taken into custody. They weren't even sure (at the time) if they had the correct parents (they are in jail now). The kids can't speak English. And the reason I said no to the placement was because with The Husband leaving, The Daughter was already upset and stressed (as was I) and the kids would have added to the situation in a negative way. Our family just couldn't AT THAT TIME take on THAT PARTICULAR SITUATION. Fortunately they were placed in a Spanish speaking home with other children around their ages, so they are doing quite well considering. I feel less guilty about saying "no" when I find out that the kid(s) received a good placement.

Wordless Wednesday

Looking for Rainbows





More of my WW posts here. Also check out CK Go Places, Two Barking Dogs, Jenn Was Here, Secret Mom Thoughts, and Beth Fish Reads.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

It's raining here, again. Our driveway is flooded so bad that I didn't think we would be able to drive through it this morning. I know you're not supposed to drive through water that is that high, but The Daughter needed to get to school. The ditches are overflowing into the streets, the yards are swamps, and the ponds are filling up to the brim. If it rains anymore we'll have to build an ark.

It's also dark, cloudy, overcast, dreary, and getting cold. The weather could not more accurately reflect my feelings today. It can't get summer time fast enough.

We went to bed later than we should have for a school night, I couldn't sleep, and then we woke up at 3:30am to see The Husband off so when my alarm beeped this morning I groggily turned it off instead of hitting snooze. I startled awake at 7:30 and ran to wake up The Daughter. She got dressed while I was getting dressed and without breakfast or brushing her teeth, we ran out the door for school. We left the house at 7:45 and I signed her into school at 7:52. That alone made me feel horrible - oversleeping, no breakfast, no brushing of the teeth, but she was also crying. She cried last night. She cried this morning. She cried the week before christmas break. She wants to stay home with me. She wants to quit school.

Since we told her about The Husband going on another, longer, work trip The Daughter has been clinging to me. I keep reassuring her that I am not going to leave her, but I wonder if this may be why she now doesn't enjoy going to school. She has said the kids aren't what she expected but for the most part they are all nice to her and she to them. She adores her teacher and likes music class and learning new things. Last night the only way I could get her to sleep and stop crying was to remind her of how much her teacher missed her and how glad she will be to see her. I promised to volunteer like always and try to go more often.

Then this morning because we were late I walked her into her classroom. Her teacher wasn't there. Won't be all week. I felt horrible.

Homeschooling is always an option. I feel that she is getting things from going to this school that she wouldn't get at home with me, but she is young enough that she didn't have to start school this year. She could go to Kindergarten next year or homeschool the rest of the year and start 1st grade with her friends. I don't think it's so much the school that she doesn't want to attend. She has also stopped wanting to play with other kids. She didn't want to go to the library storytime over christmas break although she loves the librarian and even said it would be fun but that she wanted to stay home and have fun instead.

If The Daughter were older, she would be able to handle her dad's work trips better. She would understand more, but at age 5 she is grieving. Of course she didn't grow up with him traveling for work, he just started this recently. The first work trip he took right after she started kindergarten. He went from working overtime but still coming home every day to being 900+ miles away and not communicating much. She had a lot, A LOT, of changes going on ... 1st day of kindergarten, 1st time playing soccer, 1st time taking gymnastics, 1st time being away from her dad overnight much less for 2.5 months, etc. This time he will be gone for at least 6 months. That's half of a year. He will miss out on so much. And she will miss a half a year with her dad. It makes me want to puke just thinking about it, so I imagine a 5 year old would feel sad to say the least. Her behaviors regressed last time and already have started this time. I worry about what kind of longterm emotional attachment-related damage this is doing to her. It makes me angry.

So I have to keep my shit together in order to help The Daughter keep her shit together. As a SAHM the only adult I see on a daily basis is The Husband and when he isn't here, it gets lonely. Fast. I force myself to take Baby Boy to library storytime just to be around other adults. I volunteer at The Daughter's school because I enjoy it but also because I get to be around adults. I call people on the phone just to have someone to break up the silence of the day. I don't mean to sound pathetic, just trying to revel how depressingly alone a person can become as an at-home parent.

When I asked The Husband what he thought about me homeschooling The Daughter and us going to stay with him, he replied with a shocked look on his face "For HOW long?" That didn't exactly make me feel like he wanted us there. He insists that he doesn't care either way, is neutral. I guess I wanted him to say "Yes, that wold be great. We could all be together as a family! What do we need to do, and who do we need to notify in order to make it happen?" Instead I feel like he no more wants us there with him than the man in the moon, which makes the homeschooling decision that much harder.

*edited to add that The Daughter had a good day at school and, for now at least, seems to be back happy with going to school. The Husband has arrived at his location safely. Typically he would be coming home from work right now and we would sit down to eat dinner together as a family. The Daughter has already started saying she misses him. Maybe he will call her soon. And now I will go have some cheese with my whine.

Last Date Night for 6+ Months

The Husband and I have had multiple Date Nights lately. I guess we're saving up for the long haul. Or something.

We watched Perfect Stranger which had a surprising ending but was mostly just a film about Halle Berry's booty. The Bucket List was disappointing, to me. Smokin' Aces was very violent but actually a pretty good movie. The gag reel had us rolling in the floor laughing. Cheryl's review of Hancock is spot on. And tonight we will watch The Chumscrubber which I've never heard of and am not looking forward to. Maybe we'll make out and miss the whole thing.

Heritage Pine

We recently had to replace the flooring in our bedroom due to a moisture problem. Before there was a light colored Berber carpet and now there is this:



The Husband and The Daughter worked on this all weekend. Well, The Daughter mostly just danced around and played in the closet while The Husband did all the work. I love it and am so glad to get rid of the mold and musty smelling carpet.

Maturational and Situational Loss

I've had several people land here while searching for maturational and situational losses as it pertains to foster care, so I thought I would address this topic. While I took traditional GPS classes, The Husband went through Deciding Together: A Program to Prepare Families for Fostering and Adoption. It's all the information from GPS but compiled into booklets and worksheets. He met with a social worker periodically, along with another husband from our group, to discuss things and watch the videos we viewed at night in GPS. The Husband and the other guy were working night shift at the time. Anyway, the following information is taken from the Deciding Together booklets:

Maturational Losses - Expected, predictable losses all people experience in the course of maturing and developing. These losses help people move forward in their development and thus help people experience new gains. For example, when a child learns to walk, he or she loses the security of being held constantly. When the child learns to talk, he or she loses the comfort of people anticipating his or her needs.

Situational Losses - Unplanned losses arising from unusual circumstances that we do not expect to happen, such as losing one's job because of budget cuts. A child entering care encounters many situational losses, such as losing a home with his/her birth parents, losing a home with his/her brothers and sisters, losing his/her familiar neighborhood, losing his/her familiar room and losing his/her familiar family routines.

Here is book 6, or you can buy all the books from the Child Welfare Institute.

New Year

Things have been so weird lately that I can't believe it's already 2009. December of '08 flew by and 2009 looks so bleak it's hard to comprehend it all. I don't think I've ever faced a new year and dreaded it. Until now. Usually I'm happy to look forward. I make resolutions that I don't keep, but spend a few months trying anyway. I have high hopes and a sunny outlook. This current situation just sucks. I apologize for being cryptic. I miss being able to say what I want to say and receive the feedback that's synonymous with blogging.

On New Year's Eve we shot fireworks, which is tradition in our family. It was cold but the joy on The Daughter's face was totally worth it.

Last night shortly after midnight, CPS called. It was one of those placement calls that you can't sleep after. Social Workers have very hard jobs.

So I guess my only resolution for this year is to attempt to make the most of it. To try and get some lemonaid from seriously shitty lemons.

Happy New Year