Nurturing through Mealtime

In GPS class we were told that one of the main reasons people disrupt is because of mealtime struggles. It's not the only reason of course, more like the straw that broke the camels back, but it is indicative of the love the parent is trying to bestow on the child and the child rejects. Back then I couldn't understand why anyone would disrupt over something so simple as mealtime, but now after having parented seven children, I get it. It's not easy on the child to be in foster care or a new home, to be taken care of by a new parental figure, to trust someone to meet their needs, to be vulnerable enough to accept love, and to return love. It's also not easy for the parental figure to give, give, give, and to feel as if they never receive anything in return. Unfortunately that is part of this whole fostering and adopting gig. Occasionally though there are rewards, maybe small, but they are very worthwhile.

Like when a child initially refuses to eat dinner with the family but then comes out of her room, gives you a hug and apologizes, then sits down to eat dinner. Finally she shares that this particular meal is the only thing her mom ever cooked for her and it is hard for her to eat it when cooked by someone other than her mom. Small things matter. Or when a teen finally decides to learn some new recipes after months of stonewalling because her Nanny is the only one allowed to teach her to cook. Or when a younger child stops eating everything in sight because she has finally started to trust that there will always be food available in this house. Possibly the most heartwearming for me was being invited to a former foster daughter's apartment to eat a meal she learned to prepare while living here. Those are the moments that make it worth it. Those are the moments you have to hold onto in order to get through the more trying times.

For example when a child refuses to eat dinner with the family but then makes a sandwich in the dark after everyone goes to bed. Or when a child obsessively hoards food and you find it stuffed, molded, under the mattress on the bed. Especially when a child tells her worker that she isn't being fed dinner tonight because it is a "free for all / fix your own" night but neglects to mention to said worker that she went out with friends to eat at Taco Bell and didn't come home until after the rest of the family had already consumed their standard 5pm meal. There were leftovers in the fridge, by the way, that I offered to heat up for her and sit at the table with her while she ate. Turns out they tend to reject the love via food but have a complete come apart if it isn't there. They NEED it. They NEED the nurturing, the love, the comfort, the consistency of home cooked meals on the table at a set time but they may never ever tell you. So, don't give up ... keep on keeping on.