A while back I was kicking myself for not following my gut. I tend to make decisions with my heart and not with my head. My head's too busy with the paranoia stuff. Every time I don't heed that nagging feeling that something just isn't right, it usually turns out to be ... well, not right. For some reason, maybe the fact that people around me say I'm crazy for thinking a certain way or the enormous self-doubt I seem to have acquired through a lifetime of good southern girl socialization, but I have a hard time actually learning to trust that my gut? It knows a thing or two.
Last year in The Daughter's kindergarten class there was a boy we'll call John Hancock. He came after the first of the year and was really shy. Eventually he warmed up to the boys and sometimes would talk to me, but not so much to the teacher or the girls in the class. His mom came to all the class parties and usually brought along a child or two. I had a feeling that they needed financial help. They would pay for things with coins and wouldn't let JH go on field trips. When I offered to pay for his field trip, the teacher said his parents wouldn't let him go anyway. She said they had the money but just didn't want him to go. I trusted that she knew what she was talking about. I trusted that she knew something that I didn't. Like maybe that his parents felt that JH should experience the museum with them, not with his classmates. Or maybe his parents had a child die from being left on a school bus at a field trip. Or something. The teacher pointed out that the family bought the largest $200 picture package every time the school took pics. She also couldn't understand why I thought the family needed help.
Hang in there, I have a point.
Last year I couldn't articulate why I felt they needed help, hell I can't now either. There were silly things like the fact that JH wore the same shoes every single day even though they were ill fitting, worn slap out, and stank to high heaven. Something about his and his mother's vibe felt eerily like my childhood. There is a timid personality and then there is scared from abuse and I felt theirs, like ours back then, was the later. Now I wish I could go back and just ask the mom if she needed help. Maybe I could have just sent her the information for local shelters, foodbanks, etc. Or I could have been more friendly and tried to set up playdates so that we could have gotten to know them better. Instead, I did nothing. I didn't trust my gut enough.
Recently in court I was thumbing through a magazine when I heard JH's name called. I looked up to see his mom walking to the front of the court room. Her children were taken. I don't know why. After The Cheerleader's case was over and we had our closure ISP meeting, I went to talk with JH's mom. I gave her my info and told her to let me know if there is anything I can do to help. I didn't ask any personal questions except to see where the kids were placed (with family). I can't help but to wonder if this could have been avoided if I had acted last year. Why didn't I say something last year?
Do You Remember??
3 hours ago
1 comments:
I think you're too hard on yourself....sure you could have reached out then but what counts is that you reached out now. Maybe there is a reason things worked out this way....maybe, and obviously I don't know the people, but maybe it's for the best. Maybe not...but I say don't beat your self up.
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