Update on BabyBoy

Last month at BabyBoy's homevist, the regular worker said she was getting to do the adoption. Meaning she was going to be The Adoption Worker. She asked me about contingency plans, took down phone numbers, etc. Then she called The Husband. He was at work, technically at the doctor's office doing outprocessing stuff for his overseas trip, but still working. I had asked if he needed to be there for the visit, but was told no, so he wasn't there. Now CPS is complaining that The Husband has never been to one of BabyBoy's court hearings, ISP meetings, or HomeVisits. He also hasn't been to any of the other 7 foster kid's stuff because he has been working (he went to one court hearing for our first foster kid because he was working nights and could make the 9am appointment). It has NEVER been a problem before. We've always asked if he needs to be there, they always say no. Never a problem before.

Anyway, so the worker called The Husband and asked him if he was willing to adopt BabyBoy. He replied that he was uncertain and that we still needed to talk about it. I proceeded to cry and complain that they sky was falling. In my best Negative Nancy impersonation, I went on and on about how The Husband didn't want to adopt BabyBoy. Remember that this worker frequently spends 2 to 4 hours in my home at each visit, text messages me about non case related things, tells me lots and lots of stuff about her personal life such as her sex life and her husbands insecurities and her mother's issues and her kids stuff and all kinds of things that FRIENDS talk about. The worker left assuring me that she would write it up saying that he was just unsure and that we were going to discuss it and get back to her.

Then less than an hour later she called on my cell letting me know that she was no longer on the case. I asked if she had requested to be removed and she said no. Her excuse was that since The Husband was going to be leaving ASAP that she was going to do the adoption, but since he was uncertain it was going to go slow instead of fast and so it would be staffed to an adoption worker. I had a bad feeling about it and that was the day I wrote this post.

A whole month went by with the only correspondence from the worker being an email telling me the adoption workers name and asking for a time to schedule the next homevisit and ISP.

Then I got sick and unsuccessfully tried to cancel the homevisit.

That's when the old worker told me that the new worker would be asking me some questions but that she wanted to be the one to tell me that BabyBoy would be moved soon. I asked if it would be soon as in Friday when the adoption worker was going to come out (she was on her way, but rescheduled due to my sick germs). The old worker (who is actually younger than me but i mean old as in the previous or regular worker) said she would find out when she got back to the office if they would be moving BabyBoy on Friday. I panicked. I cried. I called my Momma.

All of this because I was stupid enough to treat a social worker like a friend. I told her my fears. I told her that I didn't think my husband was going to agree to adopt BabyBoy. Nevermind the fact that he himself didn't confirm anything to the worker. He said he was "uncertain" and that we still needed to discuss it together as husband and wife.

On Tuesday at the homevisit (the ISP was also rescheduled to Friday with the new adoption worker) it appeared the case was going forward based on my negative nancy moment and not based on anything my husband said. In fact, this is exactly what was happening.

The worker told me that if The Husband wouldn't adopt BabyBoy that the only way I would be able to is if I divorced him and adopted alone, but that she thought I had to be "stable" for one year after the divorce before being allowed to adopt (i blasted off a panicky email to The Husband telling him that we were going to have to get a divorce if he wouldn't adopt - i have since sent about 10 other emails trying to clarify and such but haven't heard back from him, not sure if he has got them and is mad/sad/thinking/calling a lawyer/etc or if he just hasn't been able to get online). This was reiterated by other CPS workers higher up the food chain until I got someone from the state level to come be my liaison. Then they acted as if they never said that (that being the 1 year stability rule/law which actually doesn't exist but i didn't previously know that).

But, they did say that it appears my marriage is unstable so they should move all children out of my home anyway. The Cheerleader was going to have to go to a group home and she was scared and crying. Having the liaison from the state foster association was what saved that from happening as well. She pointed out that CPS was saying my marriage was unstable all because The Husband, when called at work, said he was uncertain about an adoption and wanted to discuss it with his wife before making his final decision. And now he is in a war zone completely unaware of all that is being alleged by CPS.

They said it was odd that I automatically jumped to being willing to get a divorce so that I could adopt BabyBoy by myself. I said my children come first, always, and in that scared panicky place where I thought CPS was taking him away in just a few days, I was willing to divorce in order to get to keep him. That's true, but honestly I wasn't sure what to do. I was scared and didn't want to divorce but also didn't want to loose BabyBoy. I know he isn't biologically mine. It would hurt to loose either of them. I didn't want to have to choose. It was all hard emotionally.

Then they brought out an email my grandmother sent out on her church prayer list. It violated confidentiality. I violated confidentiality by telling my grandmother that CPS was going to move BabyBoy (you know, my family member being notified that another family member was going to disappear forever). I had no idea she sent something to her church. She knows I'm not religious and she knows a handful of social workers go to her church, but she is ... well, she has her issues. So breaking confidentiality rules was reason enough to shut down my home and take the kids but because of having a state rep there they didn't enforce it. Thank god I had that state rep.

They called the meeting an ISP, but we never discussed strengths and needs of the child or anything that normally goes into ISPs. Well, I take that back, they did chastise me and said that if I take BabyBoy to the doctor that I am required to notify them. I have always notified them every time he farts, and especially every time he gets sick or has well child appointments or gets a boo boo. They chastised me about this and about that. They made me list my personal strengths apart from The Husband. They said we were assessed together as a couple and they aren't sure I'm strong enough and qualified enough to stand on my own. I had to show specific dates of my basically single parenting The Husband being gone since August 2008, with the exception of part of November and all of December of 2008 and those few weekends when he came home to visit in 2009. I had to show that during his absence, I volunteered over a hundred hours at The Daughter's school. I had to get written documentation of my estimated time spent doing Board of Director stuff and Vice President stuff for the foster parent association. I had to give them a copy of my resume with cover letter. I had to give copies of my college degrees, awards, certificates, and letters of recommendation. Then they told me I have to get a job and show them my financial stability. All of this and I didn't hurt anyone. I didn't neglect anyone. I haven't even been able to talk with my husband. He may say yes to the adoption, I don't know, but CPS is still requiring me to jump through hoops in order to stay BabyBoy's foster parent.

All because I was Negative Nancy and confided in a social worker like she was a friend that I feared my husband wasn't going to agree to adopt BabyBoy. Remember, he never said no to the worker.

For about 14 of BabyBoy's 16 months of life, his paperwork has said "Adoption by Current Foster Parents". Now it says "Adoption, No Identified Resource." It makes me sick to my stomach. I think CPS has another family in mind for him. He is a blond haired, blue eyed, baby boy with no medical issues currently ... worth millions on the baby market. Did I mention that the new adoption worker's mom and dad are looking to adopt?

I asked if they would allow me to renew my license since all that paperwork is coming up in a few weeks. They said yes, again because of the state liaison I think, but it feels like they are trying to find a reason or a loophole to shut me down. They praised my parenting, my involvement with the foster association, my running a message board to replace the newsletter, etc. but it all seemed so fake and superficial. I had the gall to stand up to them and it pissed them off. Now I shall pay, somehow, someway.

Still don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Still scared shitless. Still worried.