Fostering through good times and bad

Yesterday was one of the rougher days with The New Girl but today was one of the best yet. According to Yondalla's Foster Parenting Milestones, I'm currently vacillating between numbers three and four. I was experiencing # 3 yesterday when The New Girl and The Daughter were standing at the edge of the pool throwing rocks into the water. This after a day of breaking other rules and making huge messes, none quite as potentially life threatening as the pool thing, and yet again another night of crying. I need sleep! Yes, I must have jinxed the situation when I bragged mentioned that The New Girl didn't cry and constantly ask for her birth family. She now cries every night at bedtime and at least once during the day, especially if she gets into trouble for oh, I don't know, stealing other people's food and eating it. The food issues with the hyperactivity and attitude make for some very embarrassing moments in public. She asks for her mom quite often, so its obvious that she has been in contact with her even though TPR supposedly occurred quite a while back. It is my understanding (from The New Girl, still haven't received paperwork or had a visit with the worker) that even though she was in custody of her Grandma, and then safety planned with BioMom's boyfriend/husband, they all lived together so The New Girl thinks she lives with her mom unless BioMom is in jail. Explaining it all to her is hard, especially since I don't know what the hell to say. I am afraid of saying too much, afraid the worker will disapprove, but I think the intake/investigative worker should have explained it already. On days like that where I'm in milestone #3 it all feels so overwhelming.

But then we'll have a day where the kids play so well together and the house is filled with little kid giggles and it just feels warm and cheerful. The New Girl doesn't cringe or pull away when I give her a hug - progress! I think about what it would be like to have The New Girl as a permanent addition to our family. The intense work doesn't seem as daunting on days spent in milestone #4. I see one or two or maybe three more kids completing our family. The New Girl's presence will hopefully help The Daughter deal with some very, very painful stuff that is coming up. I only hope that The New Girl doesn't leave at the same time this other painful thing is happening. I don't even want to think about the devastation. But I'm hoping& praying assuming The New Girl will will be hanging out for a while. Instead of the afternoons being filled with me telling BabyBoy that I can't pick him up because I'm cooking, and telling The Daughter that I can't play with her because I'm cooking/cleaning/tending to BabyBoy, now they all three play together while I get through the chores and then I find that there is free time to finally play with them like I always wanted.

I'm already lining up family members to help out because I know that with all this life altering shit going on that I'll need help even if fostering milestone #5, the crash, never happens. I guess Life Sucks Milestone #5, The Crash, is enough for one person to handle. I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic about the future, but am desperately reaching out to all my family, friends, and resources because I'm lonely this ride is about to get bumpy.