Wordless Wednesday

Tap Tap - Is this thing on?

Now that my safe place has been violated, I will need to censor what I write. I can no longer post such detailed information about foster kids but instead will have to focus more on resources and generalities. I'll have to write about events after they occur and not before or as we do them. Everyone will be assigned code names, no longer going by initials. Later today I will go back through old posts and change everyone's names.

Comments directed to me and about me will be left, as you can see in previous posts. Comments making fun of my sister's mental illness and comments saying unkind things about my children will not be tolerated. I will delete them immediately.

This blog is not only a foster parent blog but also a mommy blog and a personal blog. I operate without a filter, brace yourself. Now if you don't mind, I would like to get on with blogging.



Baby Boy had a cold that turned into an ear infection. The antibiotics gave him serious tummy issues and diaper rash. He is better now.

The kids had a good Christmas. Everyone but me got everything they asked for. I didn't get the $1600 camera on my list. I know, Boo Hoo, poor pitiful me. In my family it is tradition for Santa to come Christmas Eve and bring presents and fill stockings. One year I didn't fill my own stocking, thinking someone else might do it, and The Daughter asked why I didn't get something from Santa. She was very concerned, so now I just buy my own Santa presents. Santa (that would be ME) gave The Husband a laptop. To be fair, there was a homemade bow attached to (not really, it was in the floor but had fallen off the fridge and was supposed to be taped to it) the used refrigerator we recently purchased. Oh goodie, a kitchen appliance! Just what every one-dimensional housewife SAHM wants. I bet it will hold lots of cookies! Really though, I like the fridge. I have to be careful now or someone will get their knickers in a bunch. I am grateful. I'm just trying to be funny. Hopefully I won't have to keep saying "I'm trying to be funny" and can just say stuff and people will get it.

Anyway, good Christmas. Except for that seemingly neverending stomach bug that I had. Oh goodness I was nauseous for 3 days, then the next 2 days I was nauseous AND frequented the powder room every 30 minutes or so. Finally yesterday I was able to eat a full meal and keep lavatory use to a minimum. I wasn't able to eat Christmas Eve meal or Christmas Day meal, and I couldn't even stomach my Mom's fabulous potato salad or my pecan pie. But I lost 5 pounds. Unfortunately I'll soon gain it back as I'm currently eating the candy from my stocking. I'm at 125 pounds though so we watched the movie The Women(remember my goal was 120 and reward was The Women movie at the theater - obviously didn't make it before it left the theaters so watched it on DVD at home). Also a family tradition is to watch a movie at the theater after our family gathering on Christmas Day. We watched The Tale of Despereaux which was cute but too fairy tale for me (couldn't the princess just save herself? By you know, leaving the castle or cooking her own soup?).

We got a call a couple of weeks ago about a teenager and her baby, but they ended up being placed with the baby's paternal relatives. It's been 10 months since we've had a placement.

Wordless Wednesday

Mommy Guilt Confessional

I'm not sure why it's typically the Moms who shoulder massive amounts of guilt while the Dads seem to shrug it off effortlessly, but lately I've been carrying around what feels like enough guilt for several sets of parents. I'm going to dump it here, and while it probably won't help me feel better, it may make some other person feel less bad about their own guilt.

I let BabyBoy hold his own bottle and feed himself. N never held her own bottle, she just wouldn't, she refused. I already worry about the inequalities between them. N grew in my tummy, BabyBoy did not. N had me all to herself 24/7 for 3 years until we began fostering. BabyBoy only gets me to himself while N is at school. I read books to N all the time when she was a baby. I read less to her now, way less. I forget all together to read to BabyBoy. I didn't let N watch TV until she was over a year old. BabyBoy watches TV when N is watching it and he is only 10 months. Both kids seem to get jealous when I'm giving the other attention, and then I feel guilty for wanting a large family.

I let BabyBoy fuss if I'm making dinner or whatever and can't get him right away. I never did that with N. I would hold her, pick her up when she fussed, etc even if it meant I couldn't cook dinner until after P got home from work at 8:30pm or whatever. Sometimes I attribute it to their personalities, N wouldn't wait - she was intense, BabyBoy is easy going, but mostly I just internalize it.

N was so excited about getting to be IN the Christmas parade this year. We've always taken her to watch the parade, but this year she had the chance to actually be in the parade with her Girl Scout troop. Then the night arrived and it was below 32 degrees outside and while we dressed N in three layers of clothing plus her coat, gloves, and hat, neither P nor I wanted to have to freeze for 2 hours or get BabyBoy out in the cold for that long, so we didn't go. Not only did we not show up to be in the parade, we didn't go watch the parade. To make matters worse, my parents went specifically to see N in the parade and she wasn't there. I told N if we didn't go she could sleep in our bed with us that night. I was just trying to make up for the disappointment I caused.

That weekend Santa was coming into town on a train and giving out free cookies. The night before we had a foster association Christmas party and the kids had their pictures taken with Santa, but the train event sounded fun. N loves trains. N loves Santa. It was FREE. And then we proceeded to not go. P had to work and I sat with the kids watching Saturday morning all day cartoons.

There is more mommy guilt but the post is already too long. End of confession.

Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas

I deleted this post because apparently it pissed people off. It was supposed to be funny (a tad exaggerated for comedic effect). Also, it seems the people who posted anonymously are from my husbands work. Hello! I apologize. Been blogging under the assumption of anonymity, apparently not anonymous at all. So open mouth, insert foot, and burn some bridges; it's what I do best. The post is now deleted and I'm off to take a sick kid to the doctor (is that allowed, or is it not enough about fostering to post?). And bake cookies, of course.

Repurposed/Recycled Formula Cans

Wondering what to do with all those formula cans? Turn them into something else, of course!


First take off the labels, keeping one but recycling the rest.


Next get some craft paper or wrapping paper and trace around the label. Cut out the new label and glue or modpodge it onto the formula can.


Cut little circles for the lids and glue them on.


Then fill with homemade candy and cookies and give as Christmas gifts.



After the recipient eats the candy/cookies, they can then use the formula can as a bank (cut a slit in the top) or a pencil holder (take the lid off).

I'm taking a sick day

It's too bad moms can't call in sick. Hey kids, this is Mommy. I can't come into work today. I feel like shit. I need some sleep. Night after night of horrible dreams and kids pissing, pooping, and snotting on me has taken it's toll. The constant cold rain outside for two long freaking days isn't helping. Neither is a bunch of other stuff thats going on that I couldn't possibly tell you, but it sucks anyway. Add some serious PMS, a headache, and Mommy just wants to have an uninterrupted conversation with a grownup who actually wants to be talking to me. So you see, Mommy is sick today and won't be coming in to work. You'll just have to call the school yourself to let them know you are missing yet again another day this semester. And I expect that you all can change your own diaper or wipe your own ass, as it may be, and find your own food. What? You're only 10 months and 5 years old, respectively, and can't take care of yourselves? Well, shucks, guess I'll just have to suck it up and come in to work anyway. Another day, another dollar, right? Oh yeah, that's right, I'm just a SAHM and therefore don't contribute to the household finances. Well then, another day, another load of clothes. Or dishes. Or dirty diapers. Or diarrhea. Or runny noses. Or dirty floors. Or bills to pay. Or groceries to buy. Or meals to cook. Or school fundraisers to attend. Or baths to give. Or presents to wrap. Or appointments to make & hopefully keep. Or ... you get the point.

It's not really that bad, I'm just trying to be funny. Trying being the operative word.

I've been having nightmares that have prohibited me from getting proper sleep. For weeks. Last night N came into our room crying and wouldn't answer any of my questions. What's wrong? Are you hurt? And then I smelled something goshawful. Did you throw up? Did Kismet (the cat) throw up on you? Did you poop your pants? Still she just cried VERY LOUDLY and wouldn't answer any questions (but did manage to wake the baby). I went to pick her up and that's when I felt the wetness. Her bed was dry so she must have peed on her way down the hall or something. I put her into our bed (after P changed her clothes) and snuggled with her and she finally stopped crying. A little later she woke up and needed to go poop. Diarrhea. Another change of panties and back to our bed. Then this morning she said "Where am I?" and "How did I get here?" she had no recollection of the nights events. Her nose is running and her throat is sore (debating on whether or not to take her to the doctor) and we are tired, well except for BabyBoy who seems to have plenty of energy. Hopefully tonight everyone will go to bed on time, sleep through the night, have peaceful dreams filled with sunny beaches, and wake up in the morning not being sick.

Is it summer yet?

Wordless Wednesday

updated to add more pics

Worker hiding RAD diagnosis in order to get kids adopted

Today was our foster parent foodbank which will be discontinued in 2010 because the government says we're "double dipping". We get a board payment which is government money and the foodbank is paid for in part with government money. We pay a per pound price for the food we get but all the food is DONATED from grocery stores, etc and is typically at or slightly passed expiration date. So my question is people who are on welfare, which is gov't money can get foodstamps which is gov't money and medicaid which is gov't money ... is that also double dipping? Or triple dipping? What about all the military families that get paid so little they have to use foodstamps ... double dipping? Churches are still allowed to use the foodbank though. Guess which President thinks foster parents "double dip"? Thank goodness his ass is outta there.

Anyway, there was a foster parent there today who has two RAD kids. They are also ADHD and some other stuff. The foster parents are older, retired, and not interested in adopting so CPS is looking for an adoptive family for the kids. The kids have been in foster care for years, with this particular family for 2 years. CPS lures potential adoptive families in with cute pictures and the kid's high IQs (123 and 130 and they are both under age 9), then starts visits, explains the kid's behaviors by revealing the ADHD diagnosis, and then finally reveals the RAD and other issues. They have had 3 families back out of adopting the kids once they found out they had RAD. So the worker has decided NOT TO TELL THE NEXT INQUIRING FAMILY until "all the i's are dotted and the t's crossed". This irritates me to no end. Why not tell the families up front about the diagnosis BEFORE they start visits? By not telling the adoptive family ALL the information about the kids, they are setting everyone up for failure. The adoptive parents need time to get resources together for therapists, respite, etc and the kids surely don't need yet again another disruption. The kids need to get in a permanent home ASAP in order to attempt to build some semblance of attachment.

The foster family has told their worker that they refuse to take anything other than babies from now on out. She said "if we don't get a baby, we quit". Yet they won't be adopting any babies due to their age, so the baby will end up having to be moved after becoming attached to them ... creating potential attachment issues. Why can't people see this? CPS seems to believe that kids won't remember being moved at age 2 or 3, that they'll form new attachments, that disruptions don't effect (or is it affect)the younger kids. I know the job is hard, but come on.

And for my last rant before we head out to N's violin concert ... I had $40 and now I don't, and I didn't spend it. When I went to pay for foodbank today, my money was gone.

The True and Outstanding Adventures of the Hunt Sisters

I was sitting at home yesterday (where else?) working on the fourth draft of my suicide note when I got the call. I resented the interruption and nearly didn't answer the phone. I was having a hard time getting the tone right and, as we've discussed, tone is everything in correspondence.

This weekend I read The True and Outstanding Adventures of the Hunt Sisters by Elisabeth Robinson. After I started reading it, I realized that I had already read it, but couldn't remember how it ended. A couple of times I would read something that sparked a memory of what was to come in the next few pages. It's a good book (has nothing to do with foster/adopt) and was nice to read again. Below is one of my favorite lines from the book:

"Finally, the stewardess brings me my godamned Bloody Mary. She actually said, Drink it slow because this is your last one. I've had three, big deal. Have I been unruly? I asked nicely. Her cat-ass lips puckered as she lurched away."

I almost titled this post "cat-ass lips" just to see who might land here via Google. Alternate titles were "the fourth draft of my suicide note" and "tone is everything". Figure the suicide thing would be a little too alarming as a title. Besides, I have to reserve that for when I finally get around to writting my next draft.

Playing Hooky

It snowed on Monday. Just a light dusting and it mostly didn't stick to the roads. Usually if it snows here or even gets really cold, school is canceled, but not on Monday. N woke up complaining of a stomach ache and I thought it might be related to the snow so I told her she had to go to school anyway. She started to cry and didn't get out of bed so I thought maybe she really was sick, so I let her stay home. I started thinking she might just be upset with the stuff going on related to her dad (another work related trip). When I get upset my stomach is the first thing to rebel. Thirty minutes after school started, N got up and wanted to play in the snow. I said no way. If you are too sick for school, you are too sick for snow. That afternoon as the snow began to melt, I let her go out and build a small snowperson. Probably teaching her she can manipulate me since I'm such a push over.

This morning she woke up saying she was too tired to go to school. Her bedtime is at 8 but she stalls and misses out on sleep. When I told her she was to get up and get herself dressed or she would have to go in her pajamas with her hair all a mess (today was pictures with santa) she started saying her stomach hurt. I thought, Oh I'm not falling for this again. Get up! Fifteen minutes later she was still in bed saying her stomach really did hurt. At that point we had about 20 minutes to get her dressed, hair combed, breakfast, teeth brushed, and drive her to school. I was supposed to go help decorate for the foster association christmas party, so I needed her to get with it. I half wanted to go back to sleep myself and half wanted to yank her out of the bed and make her go disheveled. But her stomach! So I let her stay home. I went to call the foster association president to let her know I couldn't come help this morning, and while I was on the phone with her N got up out of bed and began playing. Umm, NO. Go to bed or go to school. So she went to bed and read books.

I'm making her drink mirilax now because I think she has been holding her poop again and that might be why her stomach hurts. Or maybe she is just playing hooky. Either way, I've already had a talk with her about how mommy can go to jail if she misses too many days of school and also told her how if she lies and says she is sick when she is not, that when she really is sick I might not believe her. At first I didn't want to reward her with my attention, but now I'm beginning to think that is exactly what she is wanting - to be taken care of. So I'm off to cuddle with her, make chicken soup, and color. Next time though, she isn't staying home unless she has a fever or vomit.

Good News and Bad News, mostly bad

Good news is that my husband still has his job. A contract came through and will last for 6 months. Bad news is that it's 730 miles from here. They were supposed to have three rotations of people, plus a forwarding crew, and P got rotation #'s 1 & 2 which basically means from December 2008 to June 2009. It sucks but I had processed it and was planning ways to keep the kids in touch with him, etc. Then he tells me he has now been switched to both forwarding team plus rotations one and two. He will miss BabyBoy's TPR court hearing, adoption proceedings, his 1st birthday, N's field trips and school events, N's graduation from kindergarten, and many holidays. He's only been home from a month. Before that he was gone 3 months 900 miles away and missed every single one of N's soccer games.

I'm not trying to throw a pity party. I know other people have it worse. Single parents do everything all by themselves, all the time. Military families spend more time apart. At least he is getting to work!

So the president of the foster parent association said that her husband and brother could pass P's resume around where they work and see if they could get him a job there. It's local, decent pay, good benefits, and has stability (stability = important).

*deleted a bunch of stuff here*

Tomorrow is the foster parent association Christmas party and Saturday is a slew of events and appointments, and P will probably work the whole time in order to get ready for their trip. So like last time he won't have time to spend with his family before he leaves to spend 6 months without his family. And I don't know if I'm willing to keep doing this.

Wordless Wednesday

Behind the name Mothering4Money

I pretty much knew when my hits more than doubled in one day that someone had linked to me. I figured they were either wildly popular or the post was controversial. It seems some people have been visiting from Legally Kidnapped. Hello. Welcome to my blog. Feel free to spew nasty hateful comments. Oh wait, you already have.

So once again I'm going to explain why I chose the blog name Mothering4Money.
1) I couldn't think of anything funny/clever
2) People ASSume foster parents do it for the money and this is so pervasive a stereotype that I couldn't help but to make fun
3) Anyone who actually fosters knows it's not lucrative
4) I simply could not think of a good name for a blog
5) I was TRYING to be funny

We've had 5 foster kids so far. The first foster kid we took every single penny of the board payments for the 6 months she lived with us and put it into a savings account so that we could buy her a vehicle upon her high school graduation. The deal was she would work and save her money and we would match whatever amount she saved. She had expenses that we paid for out of our own pocket. For example: shoes, hair cut and style, yearbook, senior pictures, class pictures, school pictures, cap and gown, school clothes, school supplies, art lessons, art supplies, doctor's co pays, medication co-pays, tampons, toothpaste, soap, shampoo & conditioner, makeup, food, etc. The 2nd and 3rd foster kids were only here for 6 days and the money for them didn't come until 2 months after they left. But we had to purchase for them clothes, books, toys, toothbrush, toothpaste, luggage, food, etc. The 4th kid came days before Christmas so we had to buy all her christmas gifts out of our pocket since it was too late for christmas charities. She lived with us for 2 months and her board payment came right after she left our home. We helped her furnish her apartment and walked her through the court process of being emancipated. We also had her on our vehicle insurance since she had her own car already. All paid out of our pocket. The 5th foster kid, the one we still have and will be adopting, has been with us since he was 2 days old. We've had to purchase everything for him. Any money that is left over goes into his savings account. We view it as a head start on his college fund.

We had 2 girls for weekend respite. They ate massive quantities of food. No joke - an entire pizza, apple and banana each, and 2 litter soda for dinner for just them (times 5 meals and 2 snacks they ate with us). We rented 4 movies and took them to our family gathering at a local restaurant and fed them there as well. Because we had them after school on Friday until after breakfast on Sunday, it was viewed by CPS as only one full day so we got paid $28 total which I can assure you went towards food and entertainment for them. Would you babysit for two nights and part of three separate days for $28 dollars?

Meanwhile, we take care of other people's children 24/7. Some of them are not easy to parent. We loose sleep at night either because we fear they will kill someone in our sleep, fear they will run away, or because they are up crying missing home. We go to court, often once per month per kid, and have to arrange childcare for that in addition to missing work (not me, but when my husband goes he has to miss work). We take them to the doctor, dentist, counselor, school, extracurricular activities, parental and/or sibling visits, etc. We try our damnedest to undo the effects of abuse and neglect the birth parents inflicted on the children. We attend training events to try and learn more; to be better foster parents. We jump through hoops, fill out paperwork, endure monthly homevisits and semiannual reviews, background checks, etc. We do all of this with no expectation of payment or appreciation. We do this because we care. We do it because we like to parent. We do this because we like to help. We do this because CPS had a need and we had the strength to fill that need.

We most certainly do NOT do this for the money.

Everyone Poops

We are real big on books in our family. We give them for gifts, ask for them as presents, loan them out to friends, check them out of the library each week, and just generally read as much as possible. One of N's favorite books is Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi. One of my friends gave it to her (thanks Jessilee) and it was a HUGE help in getting N to go poop in the potty. Oh, she would pee in the toilet, but the poop was a part of her and was not supposed to leave. Ever. Thank gosh for Mirilax and great books about defecating.



The animals didn't come with the book. You can find them here, here, here, here, here, and here.